SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A little background: My husband and I were together for 7 years. We have two kids. We got pregnant within a year of dating. I found out he's been cheating on me with multiple men last month and I threw him out, but not before going simp-mode and having threesomes and buying strap ons for him. He was raped by 3 men 4 years ago and I thought he was recreating his trauma. But he still cheated and that's why I threw him out. He said he's sorry and remorseful, but hasn't tried to come back and hasn't expressed any type of of real remorse and I feel worse than garbage. He found out I went on Tinder after we were separated and acted betrayed even though he said he didn't want a relationship. I'm extremely concerned for his well-being even still.

Later, after two weeks of no contact, I made the mistake of saying he wasn't the type of person I could be with after talking to him about our kids. I regret engaging, I messed up. Anyway we had a bit of an argument where he explained why he did it.

He said 90% of our relationship was him feeling bad for one reason or another. He said the only reason he got with me was because he felt bad for me and stayed for the kids. As time went on, he felt even more bad that I loved him romantically and he didn't. He was worried I would act crazy if he tried to leave or I would "do something", which I may have. He was with me because I wanted him to be, not because he chose to be. This was likely exacerbated by the fact we had kids so young. I think all that is an excuse, he could have left whenever he wanted. He does not have an interest in reconciliation and does not seem remorseful except in words. The only thing he apologized for is not standing up for what he truly wanted.

How could you string someone along for 7 years? We had bad moments, but to say it was 90% bad is a blatant lie. Honestly, it was closer to 90% good and 10% extremely bad. He also said he's not going to grovel and keep living for me on the premise of feeling bad for everything.

I asked him why he cheated instead of left. He said he was worried I would do something and felt bad for me. And he said the cheating wasn't to get back at me for stealing his life or anything, it wasn't about me at all. It was just a dirty little secret he had, like gambling or shooting up and he wouldn't expect me to understand.

Everyone, all of this is a shock to me. I thought we loved each other and thought I would die with this man. I don't know who this is.

He always said he loved me. He did try to leave several times. but I always begged and pleaded for him to come back and work through it. He chose to come back! He's full of it. A part of me knows he really felt bad and severely guilty for everything I've done for him. Remember the codependence? I showered him in my love. I was the main provider, I put him through nursing school, always was the one who wanted to have sex, etc. Maybe that should have told me he was gay. I know I'm sick. How could I love someone so deeply who clearly didn't love me? I need a whack upside the head, or a bullet to the brain preferably!

I've read Robin Norwood's Women Who Love Too Much and signed up for therapy which starts Dec 17th. I'm also joining a support network called the Straight Spouse Network. It all feels like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound though.

I still really hope he's just in a fog and we did have something. Please tell me how we can reconcile. If that's not possible, please wake me up and remove this parasite from my heart! I can't believe I still love him! He so clearly doesn't love me! Something is very wrong with me.

As far as I can tell he's not in any type of therapy or trying to help himself at all.

[This message edited by AllGoneForGood at 11:03 PM, November 30th (Monday)]

...it wasn't about me at all.

Your WH has a lot of issues to work through. A lot. Whether or not he's willing or able to so is something you may not know for a long time. From what you've already written in this and other posts, it seems rather obvious that he's neither willing, nor able, to even begin to address those issues. Unfortunately, that pretty much precludes reconciliation.

My FWW has (work in progress) strong CoD tendencies. Melody Beattie's books were a tremendous help to her. Over a year of therapy also helped a great deal.

In the "I Can Relate" Forum, there is a thread called: "Codependency & Loving Too Much." While it's not a very active thread, I'm quite certain you'll find a tremendous amount of wisdom from the members who posted.

How could you string someone along for 7 years? We had bad moments, but to say it was 90% bad is a blatant lie. Honestly, it was closer to 90% good and 10% extremely bad. He also said he's not going to grovel and keep living for me on the premise of feeling bad for everything.

I think finding out your spouse is not who you thought they were is one of the most powerful mind-fucks of all time. It made me question my own judgment in ways I'd never even imagined possible.

I don't have an answer for you on how your WH could string you along for seven years. He's the only person who could possibly answer that question and it would seem he has no interest in figuring it our for himself, let alone you.

One of many things I've learned from being a members of this wonderful community is that neither spouse is ever in the same marriage. Your perception of your marriage was different than his, if that isn't obvious, now. Losing those illusions, both the ones created for us and those we created for ourselves, is incredibly painful. I know that for me, it made me question my entire reality.

There's no way to "undo" the past (unless you can figure out time-travel and, if you do, please share!). There's only forward. Tomorrow is more important than yesterday. I think more than anything else, keeping that in mind helped me to move a little bit forward, each day, one day at a time. After a while, you start to realize that you've come far, grown, learned, healed.

Focus on you, your recovery and healing. Focus on understanding codependent tendencies and what untruths you might want to unlearn.

He’s gay. He can’t change that. You can’t change that. That’s who he is. The reason he does not show remorse is because he’s probably very happy that it’s out in the open. You need to accept that this marriage never was and never will be. He does not feel for you what you feel for him because he can’t. He does need to step up and be a good father and a friend to you. That’s the best you can hope for.

You need IC asap.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:24 PM, December 1st (Tuesday)]

Allgone - Welcome to the club you never wanted to join, but know that there are many good people here that have walked similar paths as you.

You have to understand that in the best of circumstances where both partners are 150% in that R is difficult, and takes years to heal from.

You have a WS that is not remorseful, or is not interested in trying to R. So for now you need to focus on YOU and YOUR needs, and your kids, and their needs.

Read in the healing library about the 180. Implement today. Stop having any sexual relations with him NOW. He is putting you at high high risk of STD's.

Things you need to do... see an attorney, learn your rights, his obligations, and what D would look like for you. See your DR and obtain full STD testing, that means blood work, and a pelvic exam. Also discuss the stress you are under, ask for a referral for a therapist for yourself, preferably one that deals with trauma -NOT infidelity. Infidelity is his issue not yours.

Make sure your BP is good, and if you are struggling to sleep and eat please let your dr know. There is no shame in needing/benefiting from meds during this time.

You also might want to consider looking in the I can relate forum for threads for A's w/ same sex partners. It may help you understand that your H is searching for something you will not be able to give him.

Lastly since you are CoD I want you to understand and read this until you accept it at your core... NOTHING you did or did not do lead to this. NOTHING you do or will not do will stop this. This is NOT your problem, and his choices have NOTHING To do with you. He is a sad broken man, and is most likely gay as well. YOU can not fix this. No matter how much you love him.

Love yourself first, love your kids second. Things will start to normalize as you find your new normal without his abuse.