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I have done EMDR, because I have some major trauma and triggers to work through, but haven't finished with it. I don't like it, its expensive ($200.00 per session), and I feel silly doing it. I went weekly in the beginning and the cost added up quickly. I sit on a couch with fluffy pillows and have a buzzer in each hand. I'm supposed to simultaneously follow the lights with my eyes while I am asked questions about my childhood and how it makes me feel. I see how my husbands betrayal poured salt in my childhood wounds (I knew that before I went in), but talking about it makes me squirm and feels unproductive.

I can always see where the questions are leading and why. I already know the answers to the questions and the things I say are just common sense knowledge of how experience A effects my reaction/feelings to experience B.

I'd rather be focusing on the current triggers and emotions that I'm having. For example: how to remain un-triggered, calm, and confident when I'm in public with my serial cheating husband who took advantage of every size, color, age, and type of woman who was receptive to him.

Is this how is supposed to be? Am I just being impatient with the process? I don't want to waste money on something that isn't really helping. I have been taking a break from it for a while and am thinking of not going back. We have spent a fortune on counseling for both of us, online courses, and EMDR. Sometimes it feels like we're just throwing money into the wind.

What if its not working because I'll never recover from that depth of betrayal?

(He wants to make it work more than anything and is trying to convince me to stay in the marriage forever)

I did EMDR with our MC about 4 1/2 years ago (about 6 months post D-Day v1.0). While she didn't use the light (only her finger tips), I found it very good for processing the trauma. We worked on the highest volatility items from D-Day (such as the lies, feelings of worthlessness, etc.).

My work focused on feeling that raw emotion, talking through why it hurt. Sometimes it went back to younger issues or remembrances of abandonment, not being "good enough" or worthy. Sometimes it stayed with the current situation.

We didn't work through triggers per se, but working on those emotions took a massive bite out of the triggers.

After about 5 or 6 sessions, I felt much better. I was able to conceal carry again as prior to EMDR, I didn't know what I'd do when (not if) I ran into the AP.

I still have those thoughts about everything, but the response to the memories isn't anywhere as visceral as it once was. I feel sad, but the emotions don't cripple me anymore.

Thank you for your response CaptainRogers. Just want to clarify something: is the goal of talking through the raw emotions so that your brain can understand where the pain is coming from? So if you focus on the reasons why it hurts so much then eventually it will hurt less?

I can relate to the younger self issues of abandonment and not being good enough and I know that those feelings play into the emotions surrounding the betrayal that I am feeling today, but knowing that doesn't seem to help me feel better.

I know its not a magic cure, but Ive heard so many good things about EMDR and I'm feeling disappointed with the actual process.

The purpose with EMDR is to move the experience from the trauma part of the brain to the long-term storage center. The talking and eye movement help the brain to process from the fight/flight/freeze response to the softer emotional storage.

I didn't use the buzzers, just the IC's fingers (like Cap'n). It took a lot for me to go "deep" into those recesses of FOO, but when I did it helped.

Perhaps try a different IC? IMO, it's a VERY vulnerable place to be. And if you can already read what the IC will ask... hmm

Also, I don't think EMDR is the magic bullet. It can be helpful, but it didn't "cure" me - KWIM?

EMDR helps "deactivate" pain that has re-emerged due to current trauma. Normalize old pain = reduce new pain (because it can't piggy back onto old pain).

Yes, your experience sounds normal. It was very effective for me, and the way I realized this was that painful memories (those we worked on) became run-of-the-mill memories. No more stinging pain. We used finger + light. I just recalled old hurtful memories, but we had come up with a replacement message that we installed "over the tape" of these childhood messages. Did you create a new message in your head, a more positive one?

A. Maybe your therapist isn't effective.

B. Maybe you are resisting and blocking the painful feelings that would normally come.

C. Or maybe you need to ask her if you can work on more recent pain. (Others here have done emdr on infidelity pain as opposed to childhood pain, so it can be done.)

You shouldn't have to talk at all if you don't want to. It's all about having an immersive experience and then storing it correctly. I found that I got better results when I didn't try to eat the bear whole as it were. Instead, I'd focus on a single trigger, usually an image in my mind which encompassed all the things that trigger represented. It's normal for the mind to wander a bit and that's part of the process, but for me to really be successful on that trigger, I would keep circling around to it. For example, my fWH's vehicle had become a HUGE trigger. I made him get rid of it, but that wasn't enough. Using that vehicle as a focal point, I would spend my session allowing my feelings to REALLY emerge and allowing thoughts and connections to happen, but using that vehicle as kind of a touchstone and continuing to circle back. For me, it was like pouring all that stuff into a symbol and then the magic of EMDR allows it to be stored correctly. I don't trigger when I see that make and model anymore, nor to the connections I poured into it. Does that make sense to you? It sounds like the talking and psychoanalyzing might be hampering your progress. Maybe try another therapist???

ETA: If you look for online video, you can find some self-administered EMDR. There's no reason why you can't practice at home as long as you're stable and not a danger to yourself. I did plenty of that as well.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:13 AM, Wednesday, February 23rd]

I had issues with EDMR too. I think it was my therapist and the way she went about it. I was in full blown trauma at the time, disassociating almost constantly. The de-escalation techniques she was giving me weren't really working. Our MC gave me better ones (knitting, eating a lollipop, holding ice). She spent a lot of time getting my background, because I have a lot of abandonment in my childhood (both parents). I had worked through it years ago, but his betrayal really ripped all that open again. The problem was I needed to deal with the new stuff first because that was what was making me lose my mind and I think the reflecting back was more a product of my lizard brain trying to prove to me that I wasn't safe with anyone I loved. I didn't feel that before D-day, so I think I needed to deal with the new stuff. Case in point, as I have started to process this trauma the others have calmed way down to where they are almost back to nothing. The only times they are in my mind is if I have a huge trigger about his cheating.

Also, she kept insisting on my telling her how my parents abandonment reflected on how I felt about myself. That upset me because that is a reflection of who they are and not a statement on me at all. I was a child that deserved better from my parents. I worked hard to get there, and I felt like she was invalidating that. She insisted that I answer and when I was just drawing a blank because it doesn't make me think anything negative about myself, she started pointing out that there was something wrong with that and I hadn't processed it. No, I had processed it and I had adjusted well. Before my husband's betrayal I was really good with it. I was proud I survived it and I took care of myself. It made me a better mother to my son.

So, I hear what you are saying. I may look into working EDMR for myself. My parents' abandonment didn't cause the kind of trauma I went through with my husband, I need to process the triggers. I didn't have any from my parents, I never felt safe with them like I did my husband, so it made me sad, and I was hurt, but it wasn't even close to what his cheating has done. I may also try another therapist for EDMR. I will see how it goes by myself first though.

If you don't think it's doing you any good, it probably isn't. Try another therapist or try it on your own.

I do get that the trauma memories are stuck in short term memory, and you have to process them so they can get into long term storage. You can't do that when you are actually triggered though. Your long-term memory is inaccessible when you are triggered, just like when you were traumatized in the first place. Feeling safe is the only way to work through it, I don't know that feeling silly is going to get you there though. I felt the same way and it didn't really help anything.

I'm sorry EMDR isn't working for you. I suggest talking with your therapist about your probably entirely reasonable expectations.

What you describe sounds different from what I've heard about EMDR, so maybe this therapist isn't doing it the traditional way (if there's a tradition for something so new). There may be a communication problem between you and the therapist. The therapist may not be competent enough. You may be one of the people for whom EMDR is not a good technique.

Talking with your therapist will probably give you the info to decide what the problem is.

My experience is that EMDR is very random. I don't really think that much or anticipate answers. I just get on the train. She starts me on a thought or trigger, and we just go wherever that leads with maybe 30 seconds of left / right taps between each check-in. Sometimes, I see images or have thoughts flash in my brain. If you feel like it is more turning into talk therapy where you are anticipating / responding to prompts, that is a very different experience than what I've had.

EMDR typically isn't something you'll "feel" or even recognize that it is doing anything. The purpose of EMDR is to help the brain to access and release memories that are "stuck" for lack of a better term. Think of a ketchup bottle. When the ketchup doesn't come out, you turn the bottle over and bang the bottom until it starts flowing. EMDR is a similar process. By constantly stimulating the left and right halves of the brain, we encourage "stuck" experiences to become unstuck, and allow them to be processed normally. (Note, this is my personal understanding, I am in no way a mental health professional).

Not all IC's are trained in EMDR, and not all that are trained are trained properly. (Funny thing, we used to live across the street from a woman who was a therapist, and who ultimately ended up on the board of EMDRIA, so EMDR was her specialty and she was recognized in the field as an expert on the subject. She's the one who introduced me to EMDR in the first place. You can use the EMDRIA website to find qualified EMDR therapists in your area). It's a little weird that your therapist used buzzers AND a light. It's usually just one thing or the other. If one technique doesn't work, you try another. Buzzers, tapping on knees or wrists, using a light or other object back and forth in front of the patient's eyes are the most common techniques.

Just want to clarify something: is the goal of talking through the raw emotions so that your brain can understand where the pain is coming from? So if you focus on the reasons why it hurts so much then eventually it will hurt less?

Yup, that's part of it. Another part of it is to allow you to make new connections and bring new meaning or reactions to those thoughts. So for example, as a WS, I found myself trapped in shame for a LONG time. I kept blaming myself and my actions for those feelings, however after a while, I started to realize that many things in life brought me inordinate amounts of shame. Any infraction, no matter how small (e.g. I forgot to pick up milk on the way home, I mixed up what time a TV aired) sent me into deep shame. In order to better understand that, we used EMDR to go back and try and remember my first feelings of shame. I won't go into all the details, but suffice to say that I remembered that something had happened to me (I wet my pants in front of classmates) which embarrassed me. My mother and the teacher, instead of protecting me and letting me know these things happen and to bolster my confidence, instead chose to laugh and make fun of me in front of my class. So I never learned how to deal with shame in a healthy way. Understanding this helped me in two ways. One, I realized that what happened wasn't my fault, and that I had nothing to be ashamed of. Second, I realized that the actions of my mother and teacher were wrong, and that I was taught an unhealthy and self-damaging way of dealing with the shame. With that info in hand, I was then able to start purposefully choosing new ways in my life to deal with shame. I could replace unhealthy messages and reactions with new, healthier ones. I could start to value myself where I had no value before. I was able to hear my wife's criticism's of me without melting into shame, and in doing so, I was then able to have empathy for her, and see her pain rather than my own. It was one of the first major dominoes to fall for me.

I'm not sure how to advise you other than to try another method or EMDR or another therapist, and, realize that EMDR isn't going to "do anything for you", it simply provides you with another avenue towards accessing memories and experiences that you might struggle with accessing. But once those are exposed, it is still up to you to decide what to do with that info.

Didn't have experience with EMDR, but I used other tools to heal me and my fWH.
What I want to say, to each, their own....

There is a good book that might help you to find the answers titled:
"The healing therapies bible : discover 70 therapies for healing mind, body, and soul"

by Gillman, Claire (it is available to read/borrow for free archive dot org)

Strength and Healing!

Thank you for all the wise advice and experiences that you shared with me. I'm going to put some more thought into it.