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I found texts dating back to March '24 that were highly sexual and desire-fantasy in content meant to stimulate each other's masturbating. My wife was honest and admitted to having sex with him last year and had kept the communication up, claiming she has not seen him again. She states this is a part of abandonement, desire deficiency and lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship. I dont even disagree to what has been missing and have deep regret i didnt have enough courage to talk with her about it.

But she has kept these things so separate (presumably some trauma there) she doesnt see the connection that I have to love being essential for sexual intimacy and the betrayal is like sacrifice to her love for me. I feel cruel and justified woth basically everything right now emotionally. And ive recently discovered that i may need exactpy what will hurt her the most because of her deep psychological issues. She states she doesnt want to guilt me and i believe her. I dont feel guilty over that but i do feel like I cant be around her for at least a little while to heal fully. And this is basically her deepest vulnerability and fear. I know im not responsible for that but i have a heart. Unfortunately im also in mental health so i overthink/overfeel/overempathize for lirerally a living so this isnt easy at all.

But yall have summed that up. Any perspective can be nice. Id prefer if you all can stay away with what i need to decide about her or her character. That part im already tortured with.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some that have bull's eye icons. (They were recently bumped, so should be on the first page.) The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information.

Please be sure to get tested for STDs/STIs to make sure you didn't get something that may turn nasty later. If you're on meds, you may need to have them adjusted for the short-term because betrayal trauma can be so stressful to your system.

A couple of books we recommend are How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a nice blueprint your WW (wayward wife) can follow. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. I like her chapter on Windows and Walls because it gives a nice visual reference for setting boundaries.

Someone afraid of abandonment shouldn’t do things likely to result in abandonment.

I think you should do what’s best for you.

She dealt with the intense, swirling emotions of being an adulteress; she’ll manage your need for space.

She doesn’t want to guilt you. Sheesh.

You said in the title this was non-physical, they had sex... Is she a self diagnosed abandoment victim or just using that to justify her actions. My read on this is you are trying to justify staying in this and she can see that and it softens her perception of the realities of her unfaithfulness.

My position has always been that if a PA was had it equates to divorce UNLESS there is geniune, unprovoked, extreme reconcilliation attempts by the WS. Context can change some of this for example, if it was a one time thing that was immediately stopped due to shame, guilt etc that is different than repeated attempts at actively cheating on a spouse. Additionally, the EA was calculated, repeated attempts so that has a weight in all this.

From what I can tell she did this multiple times (EA) with allegedly, a PA once. Her response, sorry I have abandoment issues. Simple... not good enough start the paperwork. Perhaps that will shock her into true, extreme reconcliation but I believe these things should be done in parrallel. File paperwork, in parallel let her work on reconciling.. not YOU. You can always pull the plug on D but don't waste time waiting her out to see if it clicks.

Welcome to SI, sorry you had a reason to find us but glad you did. All of her reasons show a lack of accountability. She cannot blame anyone or anything but herself for her poor choices. Until she takes full responsibility for destroying her vows, her M and you, you cannot move forward towards healing and recovery.

I am afraid of heights, I do not, skydive, ride roller coasters, or climb on roofs. Your W is afraid of abandonment so she went out and abandoned her M, her morals, and expects you to accept it. I am sorry she has done this and it is not your fault, put this 100% on her.

I deal with foster kids. Some of them deliberately screw up a placement. It seems that they feel so helpless the ONLY power they have is to say no before the fp does. The other is that love is so scary they will sabotage a placement because they are feeling some bond with the fp.
If her fear is real I hope she gets some intense therapy. In the meantime you can’t fix her. You don’t have the power.
You need some therapy as well.

It looks to me, too, as if she abandoned you because she feared you would abandon her. My heart goes out to her - fearing abandonment if just plain painful and disorienting.

But that's irrelevant to the BS. You have a free choice.

The thing is: what is your W doing to give up her fear of abandonment? The metaphor that seems most accurate to me is that kids try to understand why they feel so lousy emotionally, and usually they get it wrong. So your W can change from cheater to good partner - if she does the necessary work.

But you have no obligation to R. Love is not enough to support R - it takes commitment by BS to heal BS, by WS to heal WS, and by both to (re)create a marriage that serves them both. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life with her, you can walk away.

If, OTOH, you both are willing to do your work, R is eminently possible. S ... what do you want? If you want R, what is your WS doing to show willingness to change themself?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:27 AM, Saturday, April 19th]