SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was right not to confide in my best friend. I have just seen a comment from her on a public post regarding a celebrity leaving a marriage because of infedelity, her response was "if he done it once he is guaranteed to do it again, a leopard never changes his spots"

Even though her marriage went through shaky ground when she caught her husband speaking to a female and using the Love word, but this was prior to mobile phones so no evidence existed, they got through it with him denying it wasn't how it looked, yet she makes sweeping statements like this, like she has completely forgotten this could have easily been her.

It has made me realize that my doubts about reconciliation NEVER come from my husband, they come from outside, the public opinion that what I am doing is wrong. I have lived my life always blending in, always doing what others expected, never having a voice of my own so to pick this battle as my first rodeo of doing what I want and not what others expect...bloody hell it is a battle!!!

I told very few people. Of the few I did - they were all in with wanting to help, until they found out I was trying to reconcile. Then I was [and still am] shunned. I lost one of my best friends. We lost our best couples friend. I am sad. WH is resentful [yeah - I roll my eyes at that]. I hold my head high and go about the business of being Chaos in spite of that. It hurts. But that is just one more loss that is the collateral damage of someone else's selfish and stupid decision.

The Court of Public Opinion is a bitch. BUT only you can give it power.

People are going to think what they want - even if it not the truth. You have no control over that. All you can control is you and going about the business of living the best life you can possibly live.

There's an old saying attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt- "What other people think of me is none of my business"

As hard as it is - that applies here.

I had the opposite experience. A number of people told me it was possible to reconcile. That my H was worth trying to work through this with.

There was a joke in my friends group about who had a stash - money wise - just in case. At the time of dday1 I didn’t but 6 months later at dday2 I did.

Regarding the friend’s post, what she writes about celebrities may not be true for non-celebrities. But in any event, she may have posted it w/out realizing its impact on you.

That’s why I just don’t pay attention to other’s opinions.

Thank you both for your replies. I took a break from social media and from here. I was just soaking it all in and carrying everyone's fears worries and opinions as my own. This part, not allowing others opinions or perceptions, is definitely a tough one for me, it goes against my grain and then add in that society almost always sees reconciliation as wrong, it is just really frikken difficult.

Drowning45

It has made me realize that my doubts about reconciliation NEVER come from my husband, they come from outside, the public opinion that what I am doing is wrong.

Almost no friends and no family members, including my wife’s, were informed of my wife’s infidelity. I did share with my best friend for I knew he would respect both of us. He was extremely supportive of both myself, my wife and our desire to reconcile.

I fully agree that every doubt I would find creeping in, trying to disrupt our recommitment, came from outside sources. I had to learn to understand that those voices often believed they had my best interests at heart. However, I also had to train myself to consider then weed out the things people said, no matter their intent, that did not advance reconciliation.

Thank you for this post. It is a needed thought for all to consider before advising what they should or shouldn’t do.

Asterisk

When I think about it, celebrity or not, they were not asking for advice, yet people, my friend included truly believe they know what is best for that person's life and marriage, it's kinda arrogant when you think about it. No one else has walked my path, yes others have experienced infedelity but no story is the same simply because we are all so unique in how we react respond and our life experiences. I try to remember all this, which is slightly easier when super regulated but when you read things when you are feeling low boy does it sting.

I found the support for reconciliation was about 50/50 between the people I told. I did lose a friend, but grew closer to others. I think this site alone sways back and forth on this topic too. When I joined there were several posters who made their thoughts very clear that reconciliation was nearly impossible and voiced their opinion that those who do are settling and weak. Sad that even here that judgmental people chime in.

I agree that the court of public opinion can be wrong and nasty. When it got me down, I searched the web for alternative views.

Being yourself gets easier the more you do it. At first, it's difficult to overcome the way one was socialized. The, as a person begins to change, it disorients the people they deal with, because the changing person no longer acts predictably, and that makes changing even more difficult.

If you persevere, though, others will get used to you, and many will like you even more than they did before, although a desire to be liked more didn't motivate the changes.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:19 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

Frankly – I don’t give a fxxk about The Court of Public Opinion.

What I do listen to is the advice and views of valued friends.
I remember after my d-day my group of "friends" changed a lot. Some were my friends because of her, and they generally just slipped away. Not out of anger or spite, but rather because what we had in common was no longer in my life. I’m 100% certain some of them told her (and each other) things like she was better off without me, no wonder she had to find lovers what with Biggers micro-penis or whatever. What I do know is that their disappearance from my life and whatever they said hasn’t ever had any negative effect on me.
Then there were friends that were friends because we had been in school together, on the same sports-team, work colleagues and all that. Most of them told be I was better off without her, she was a total slag, everyone knew she was whoring around and whatever. None of that made me feel any better about my decision. Those friends? I will say hi if I run into them, maybe go to a reunion of some sorts, maybe grab a beer. But that’s it.

Then there were the select few friends that are still my friends. Friends who if in town will drop in for dinner. Friends whom I will plan visits to. These guys tended to ask me what I wanted. They would question my choice and play devils’ advocate. But they would support whatever I decided. Same as I have done in their inevitable struggles in life. Supported one through a divorce, another the loss of a spouse...

If one of them were to tell me something that wasn’t in line with my thinking I would contemplate their idea, because I could trust it was out forth in good faith. But even if I went a completely different way they would still have my back.

The others? The non-friends? You can imagine the gossip in a relatively small city when the fiancé of the newest cop is caught in bed with another man... I guess I was the main topic of gossip for probably a week or so. Or until some politician was caught with a sex-worker, or a priest with under-age boys or some Hollywood star overdosed or whatever. Then I became yesterdays news.

‘Even though her marriage went through shaky ground when she caught her husband speaking to a female and using the Love word, but this was prior to mobile phones so no evidence existed, they got through it with him denying it wasn't how it looked, yet she makes sweeping statements like this, like she has completely forgotten this could have easily been her’

My first thought reading this is maybe her husband did it again. Maybe she still doubts him from the time you mention. Maybe she is there for the children. Maybe she wishes she had left but can’t for some reason. Maybe she has never discussed it with you due to fear, shame, lack of trust etc. Maybe she admires this celebrity for doing something she wishes she had done.

Once a cheat always a cheat - sounds to me like he has done it again.