SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Over and over again, a BS is advised to figure out if the AP has a partner, and if so, to contact that partner and let them know.

Lots of reasons for doing this; some of them good.

But one reason comes up frequently: it’s the best way to end the affair.

Really?

Most BSs on this site are confused and don’t have a clue what to do (me included).

Why is there this sense that the OBS is going to be any different? Chances are, the OBS will just be another clueless, confused BS, who won’t know how to get it stopped and might make everything worse (my hand is raised).

So yes, tell the OBS. But don’t expect a miracle.

You tell them because they need the truth.

I would want somebody to tell me so I could have the truth to make my life decisions.

Moving this to General

  Moving to General

Has anyone promised a miracle?
Isnt this simply one of the many steps a BS might take after d-day simply to get some control or understanding of the situation?

The initial response of most people caught in affairs is to deny, minimize and/or hide it. By telling the OP spouse that spouse knows about the affair and it becomes harder for the AP to keep the affair ongoing. There is another pair of eyes monitoring the AP. Of course both parties might want to continue with the affair, but at least it’s now in the open, enabling the betrayed spouses to control and decide their next steps.

But one reason comes up frequently: it’s the best way to end the affair.

I never thought of it as "the best way," but it does put more pressure on the AP and you can potentially gain sort of an ally with just as much skin in the game as you, if OBS wants to compare notes and help keep an eye on the situation.

I think the main reason should be that it's just the right thing to do for OBS. They're in the same boat as you, and of course you'd want to know, right?

Sunlight is the best disinfectant - disclosure exposes the lying and forces some honesty into the fantasy world the lovers have constructed. Whether it ends the affair is secondary - no. 1 it ends the gaslighting that had been taking place, and introduces some measure of consequence. And it certainly did shut down the affair in my experience. The OM’s wife fried him in hot oil and he ended it himself. My wife saw how she was dropped like a hot potato by her "soulmate."

Two sets of eyes is better than one.

Telling OBS 100% was the right call ethically and it helped end my wife's A.

Here’s my take and it’s a bit different from what you might be used to hearing here.

When I consider notifying the OBS, I’m not trying to "blow the affair up…to shed light on the affair" or, trying to recruit the aid of the OBS to help quell the affair, help keep eyes on the affair partners. I’m not notifying the OBS to try to burst the affair bubble or dry up the affair fog.

I’m not battling to get my WS back. I’m not going to play games, gambits, or manipulate the situation to somehow "get them back".

I shouldn’t be fighting to get them back. If they truly love me, they should come back on their own when they see me ACTUALLY walking away, when they REALIZE that they are about to lose me.

If that isn’t reason enough for them to recommit to the marriage, then I don’t want em back. Any other reason, any other motivation, is shit. It’s just plain shit.

I don’t subscribe to treating the WS like an unwitting possessed, under the influence casualty of human weakness who needs saving from themselves, who needs to be maneuvered back to the fold.

If they’re not fighting their way back, then it’s just, shit.

I’m simply notifying the OBS out of empathy. Because I would want to know.

Here’s my take and it’s a bit different from what you might be used to hearing here.

When I consider notifying the OBS, I’m not trying to "blow the affair up…to shed light on the affair" or, trying to recruit the aid of the OBS to help quell the affair, help keep eyes on the affair partners. I’m not notifying the OBS to try to burst the affair bubble or dry up the affair fog.

I’m not battling to get my WS back. I’m not going to play games, gambits, or manipulate the situation to somehow "get them back".

I shouldn’t be fighting to get them back. If they truly love me, they should come back on their own when they see me ACTUALLY walking away, when they REALIZE that they are about to lose me.

If that isn’t reason enough for them to recommit to the marriage, then I don’t want em back. Any other reason, any other motivation, is shit. It’s just plain shit.

I don’t subscribe to treating the WS like an unwitting possessed, under the influence casualty of human weakness who needs saving from themselves, who needs to be maneuvered back to the fold.

If they’re not fighting their way back, then it’s just, shit.

I’m simply notifying the OBS out of empathy. Because I would want to know.

I pretty much agree with everything you said. Here's the thing tho, you can have an ally who could potentially inform you if your WS is still sneaking around and lying to you. It doesn't necessarily have to be about guiding them back to the fold, but you can make an informed decision then and there to gtfo if that's your stance on it.

I wrote about this yesterday. Here are different words:

I don't want to exert any pressure on the WS. IMO, the WS needs to know they are free to choose R and D. If my W hadn't wanted R, I'd have been more devastated than I was, but I did not want to hold her against her will. She was free to leave then, and she's free to leave now, as I am. I just don't think R works when one partner is being forced to R, and I believe the threat of OBS's policing is coercive.

I'm still angry at OBS for not telling me when he learned of the A (10 days before my d-day) because he withheld info that had a big effect on my life. He was OK with letting the A go on, which is to some extent why his W told him. The 2 WWs did not tell me, because they thought I wasn't as evolved as OBS. Not telling me delayed my healing by 10 days, and that still bothers me.

I'm with Bigger on this. My W had a free choice between R & D, between me and the ap or being alone. Especially because she said she chose me, I wanted to be as sure as I could that she really wanted me, not the external benefits of being with me.

Also, R was going to work only if my W kept herself from cheating. If OBS's monitoring kept her from ow (and it wouldn't have in my case), I would not know if W stayed away from ow because she wanted to stay away or because she feared being caught.

IMO it's very rare for the ap to be the problem. No matter how persuasive the ap may be, the WS always has the option to say 'No!' as soon as they realize what is going on.

OTOH, if I leaned heavily toward D, I'd out the A to annoy the aps. My main goal would still be to get info to the OBS that an OBS needs, but I think I'd enjoy the aps' discomfort.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:47 PM, Saturday, September 20th]

I knew it was the right thing to do to tell OBS, but it was very hard to do. I was afraid it would make my situation with my WW worse. And it did, for a couple days. She was incredibly angry with me, more so than I’d ever seen her. But she is the cheater, and I’m no longer accepting anger from her. Possibly ever again.

OBS locked him down so tight I haven’t seen AP in the almost 4 months since DDay. Judging how absolutely miserable WW is these days, I’d say it worked.

As with sisoon's situation, the OBS knew before I did - but he found out TWO YEARS before I did. And he didn't tell me because AP and WS begged him not to "ruin her [my] life." The affair stopped for about 1.5 months after OBS discovered them, then resumed and went underground until I found out. Then resumed as an EA for another 2.5 months until my DDay2.

Would things have been any different if OBS had told me? For me, absolutely! Even if they had resumed the affair, I would've been saved 2 years of being gaslight, crying every night wondering why my WS acted like he hated me, wondering if I was totally unattractive, etc. (Yes, I'm still bitter about not being informed - how can you tell )

Disclosing to the OBS is about doing what's right and giving OBS agency in their marriage (or OBP in their relationship). It's the only valid reason for telling them (IMHO). Any benefit that accrues to the BS is a bonus.

When there is no OBS it is even more difficult to get a handle on the affair. Especially when the OW is convinced that it is ok to be the OW.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:14 AM, Sunday, September 21st]

The other BS has a right to know. I waited five months because I thought my "threat" of sending his wife copies of the sext messages would keep him away from my wife. Foolish in hindsight. If my wife and him wanted to get together they would have found a way without me knowing

I keep in touch with the other BS and I have learned a lot of not nice things that I relayed to my wife. He was sexting with my wife WHILE his wife was waiting to have surgery to find out if she had breast cancer :/

After the affair ended he started up with another coworker and ended up banging her on her desk AT THE SCHOOL and in his car (the car belongs to him and his wife). He trickle truthed his wife, said they only had sex once (a lie). His wife reached out to his AP, who had a BF BTW, and learned about the number of times they had sex, that he told his AP that he and his wife were divorcing, she had moved out, took the kids.

There are some other details that I will not share here that I did share with my wife so she has a pretty good picture of the quality of guy that she was having an affair with.

He has a gift for knowing what to say and when to say it to get what he wants. I pointed this out to his wife and she agreed

You tell the OBS because it is the moral, honest thing to do!

Not really sure why anyone would say differently. It might stop the affair, but you don't do it for that reason. It might wake up the WS, but you don't do it for that reason.

There are a thousand other possible benefits, but you don't tell them for those reasons.

The thing is, I am not sure why this does not come to the fore front of everyone's mind. There is right, and there is wrong and that is just the way that it is. This world needs less selfishness and more moral clarity.

I have heard some that they fear pushing away the WS... WTF? How much further out could they be than an affair.

[This message edited by BluesPower at 7:30 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

My WS carries an incurable STD. I have the HPV virus and it resulted in aggressive cervical cancer for me in my 20s. The OBS needs to know that the APs were engaging in unprotected sex. The OBS DESERVES agency to choose how they want to proceed and to get STI tested. They may be blaming themselves for the issues in their M. They may be going to drastic, life changing extremes to try to fix what they perceive is wrong in their marriage when it’s really an A (having kids, changing jobs, moving, plastic surgery, IC/MC).

Telling the OBS is the golden rule - letting them know what is going on so they can CHOOSE.
It’s a bonus if it kills the A, IMO.