SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Moving forward from the destructive nature of infidelity, is a sputter and start, lurch and lunge, forward and backward evolution. I believe this to be true whether the choice is to reconcile or divorce.

Our goal, from the beginning, was to reconcile. We both desired to push the painful process of progress more forward than backwards. There were dangerous moments when raising the white flag in defeat was more appealing than the daunting effort to advance as a couple. However, there did come a time when the push to rebuild out outweighed the push to dismantle.

The brutality of infidelity doesn’t, if both the wayward and the betrayed don’t let it, have to clear the decks of all things wonderful.

Asterisk.

I think the only goal I had after my wife’s confession — was to understand the best I could.

I had to reassemble my life.

I had to take apart the mythology of my M and put it back together and see what reality looked like.

Then I chased down as much of the truth as was possible and figure out what is was I being asked to accept or overcome.

Then, I had to see if my wife was capable of both understanding the damage she created and accept responsibility for it all.

Some basic counseling to see if my wife had a path back to being a better partner or if she would turn away from us again when the M faced adversity.

I think my first year of recovery was far more about having the energy to learn while I was dealing with the emotional trauma of it all.

We had a week or so in there after year one, when we both considered the damage was too much to overcome.

Then, after we were both resigned to the idea it was over, that’s when something unique happened — we kept being nice to each other. We kept trying anyway.

There was something substantial about each of us letting go of a specific outcome and then looking for ways to see what happened next.

Our goal then, to rebuild was somewhere in year two, but I just didn’t have enough information to know what I wanted until then either.

I think it's valid to hold reconciliation as a goal, but I personally believe it's more successful when divorce is accepted as a viable outcome. For that reason, I'm not in love with the white flag metaphor. For some folks, divorce isn't defeat, it's validation of their own needs and triumph over fear of moving forward alone.

That being said, I'm glad that your R has been successful, and I appreciate the encouragement of people who are in the depths of the work.

Oldwounds,

I have read a lot of your responses here at SI and have found your thoughts to be solid. I admire you and your wife for the work you both must have done to achieve a happy relationship. It is not an easy task.

Asterisk

BraveSirRobin,

For that reason, I'm not in love with the white flag metaphor. For some folks, divorce isn't defeat, it's validation of their own needs and triumph over fear of moving forward alone.

You are 100% right to call me out on the metaphor I used. It was very poorly thought out. I agree that divorce is a reasonable resolve in the reconciliation process. In fact, I believe I and my wife would have benefited by understanding, pre infidelity and post infidelity, that divorce was an option for either of us to take. But the faith we held at that time did not allow for this option. I no longer hold that belief and am in full support of those who find that that is their best or even only option. Thank you for thoughtfully pointing out the inaccuracy of my words.

Asterisk

I did start calling lawyers and real estate agents a week after d day when I thought it was hopeless to even try anymore, but if I'm being honest, reconciliation was the first thought in my mind, and I'm firmly convinced that was the only option in my wife's mind from the get go as well. At just over 5 months into it, I know it's still pretty early, but I also think, while there were some commonalities, there are also exceptions that make us both quite different from most other couples in this situation. I've always, in the words of my mother, "been different." So has my wife. She's dealt with epilepsy since she was 4 months old, and her mind doesn't operate quite the same way everyone else's does. I'm still grappling with some complicated emotions and moods, as is she, but we've made really good progress in this short amount of time.

Asterisk —

I have read a lot of your responses here at SI and have found your thoughts to be solid. I admire you and your wife for the work you both must have done to achieve a happy relationship. It is not an easy task.

Thanks for the kind words, I don’t know if all my thoughts are solid, but I agree R is not an easy task!

But the faith we held at that time did not allow for this option.

I think our faith is a big reason my wife kept the A secret for so long and stayed long after our family ‘friend’ AP dumped her.

She had turned away from all her beliefs, faith too during the A, and that should have been the red flag that I wish I saw more clearly.

The reason we thought faith and love wouldn’t be enough to save us, was because neither of those stopped infidelity in the first place. All that and we really thought the pain would always be a part of us moving forward, that’s how D finally entered the conversation.

So, I do understand wanting R from the jump, I understand staying because of vows and beliefs.

We also had a MC who was a betrayed spouse — he didn’t tell us that until much later, but he was able to identify the work we needed and helped us early on. Counselor’s can only suggest ideas though, we both had to really want to do the work.

I hope your healing continues here and that it helps to vent some of the lingering pain.