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My husband (BS) and I are still really early in our healing process after my affair (8 months since Dday). While things between us have actually been going really well lately, he’s been struggling with constant, intrusive thoughts about what happened. He says the affair is always on his mind and that he doesn’t think he’ll ever fully believe that he knows everything. I've done all the things every WS should be doing (you can see my previous posts for context and understanding) but that's still not enough to get him "unstuck" in this place of constant wondering.

It’s just heartbreaking to see him feel stuck in that mental space, especially when we’ve been making so much progress. I’ve offered to go over my timeline with him again today, answer any questions he has (even in different ways than I may have before), and simply be present with him when he gets in this mindset. But today he told me he doesn’t think there’s anything I can say or do that will make him believe there’s not more I’m hiding, that he just has to live with that uncertainty. He did tell me he spoke with his IC about this and their advice was that it just takes time. I just wish time moved faster during seasons of sadness.

I’m struggling with the helplessness that comes from knowing I caused this pain and not being able to fix it, no matter how hard I am trying now.

For BS—what helps you when those thoughts become overwhelming?
And for WS—how do you support your partner when it feels like nothing you do can ease their doubt?

As always any advice or perspective would be really appreciated!

There are these funny places you will find yourself in like this one, where he will need more time. It’s normal. What he is saying is what a lot of bs here say, mine did too. It’s at a point where feel like if you are doing everything you possibly can and they still feel this way so it might not ever go away.

You are doing what you need to do, you are addressing it, and offering help. After that all you can do is say "I will continue to show you consistency, I will keep trying to build trust. I am so sorry I have put you in this position."

Some things the bs has to do and decide for themselves. It is helpless feeling. It’s also scary because it reminds you of how close you are to losing them. At some point, I had ultimately decided that if what it takes for him to get out of pain is get away from me then I will accept it. I NEVER said it to him, I think that being their rock and not adding to their uncertainly with a statement like that can be detrimental. But having that attitude helps with the anxiety and patience needed.

I have read enough from you that I feel fairly certain you are doing the needed work, and keeping feelers out like this shows me that you are willing to keep trying anything if it will help. So I think your spirit is in the right place. The fact he is putting new pressure on himself is also proof he sees your effort as well. It simply isn’t that simple to heal trauma and he needs to continue to feel his feelings and being able to express them to you. Seeing you being unflappable to that is actually just a normal part of the process.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:03 PM, Monday, June 9th]

Thank you Hikingout for your support and for always responding to my posts, your input is always very helpful!

My exact respond to him via text today was:

"There is nothing new I’m hiding from you, but if you ever need me to walk through it again or answer a question in a different way, I will. I want you to feel safe, even if your mind’s racing. I also really think it’s the time of year getting to both of us, June-October is going to be hard."

"I can’t force you to feel safe with me or want to talk to me about your feelings. And you’re right, no amount of proof will change the past & take away the damage I caused you. It’s about accepting that I hurt you & not letting the hurt control you anymore. All I can do is be consistent with positive behavior, keep showing up for you now, and being patient when we have tough times. "

So I’m really glad that my responses aligns with some of the things you mentioned. I know I can’t "fix" the damage just be an aid in his healing. I’m just frustrated with myself for being the reason we are in this situation to begin with and I don’t think that feeling will ever go away.

I will say, I no longer feel a sense of shame when these conversations come up, just sadness. In the early weeks of discovery I would respond to him being defensive or angry. Or I would do exactly what you mentioned- telling him he’d be better off alone and that I didn’t deserve the chance at reconciliation. Then I would feel bad about myself for days following the conversations. And the cycle would repeat.

I’m very proud of his progress and my own,which is why I’m so determined to do all I can/ learn all I can to ensure we don’t backtrack. I guess out of curiosity, how long did your spouse experience moments of racing thinking or intrusive thoughts? From what I’ve read for others around the 1.5 year- 3 year mark they have them but rarely and around years 4-6 they are almost non existent. I know everyone is different, but hearing others healing timelines gives me something to look forward to.