SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there. My last post was about 6 years ago. I thought my wife was cheating on me with a coworker. It turns out I was right. It was the same guy I suspected back then. O could never prove it ( I had her phone scanned but no proof.) I moved on with my life.
We are both around 50. We have been married 13 years We have one son who is a preteen. I thought we had a happy marriage. I'm not perfect but I'm in a secure, well-paying job. I never cheated on her. I help with housework and don't drink too much. I never forget birthdays, anniversary's, etc. I am a little overweight though.
We are currently on vacation in the Asian country she originally from visting friends and family. A few weeks ago I saw a text from this male coworker. I hardly ever pay attention to her phone. They said "I miss you" and "Where is my picture?" I haven't checked her phone since my last post years ago.
Today I was able to check it and boy did I find what I feared. They were send nude shots, there is a video of her performing oral sex on him at work, etc. It just gets worse.
I took pictures. I forgot to record the video but I'll do it later. That maybe leverage in the divorce I have planned when we get back. I'm playing it cool this time. She doesn't know that I know. The guy is married with two twin girls (young). I'm doing better that I thought. I've read here a lot over the years. I just have still be calm for about 10 more days until we return to the US. Thanks.

What a shame you have reason to find us again.
I went through your original posts, and I was hoping that you had been mistaken.

I take it you have no interest in reconciling. It can pay dividends to fake it for the next 10 days and make it back to safer waters. I suggest you use the time ahead to research divorce, potential impact of infidelity, plan your next steps and what to expect. Whatever she’s been doing – it won’t get better or worse if you wait, but can give you a better resolution if you do.

What is their work-relationship?

I am truly sorry you find yourself here again.

As a fellow survivor of betrayal, I always advise betrayeds to take exquisite care of themselves physically emotionally spiritually etc

There will be others who will come along to give advice. Things I wished I had done DD (whatever number it actually was but likely higher than 2) was to keep what I knew to myself and think strategically. I also wish I had been able to wrap myself around what betrayers are actually capable of (lies, risking our health and even life etc.; spinning stories about us to themselves and others).

I am an advocate for getting full panel, up to date STD testing from very qualified providers. EXWH’s health care provider refused to test for the very STD that he had actually been exposed to because (in his provider’s words) it would make me (Shehawk) mad. You bet it did!
Play stupid cheating games and get stupid cheating prizes unfortunately.

I also am an advocate of protecting oneself from potential false allegations. The stuff exwh said about me was unhinged but people believed him. And it cost me dearly.

Hi there. Thanks for your reply. I can't sleep right now. He is not her direct boss but he a higher up in the company. I think he is 5 years younger than us. I regret that I didn't find out back then too. I could have saved myself 6 years.
She had alot the classic symptoms before (re-writing the relationship history, etc) I tried to catch her for all of 2019, with no luck, so I just thought it was something else. The last 6 years were pretty good. She even was consistent and affectionate. I think she got lazy and that's how I caught her.

When you next see her, say you’re not feeling well. That’ll short-circuit any "what’s wrong with you" accusations, or attempts to throw you off with sex. Glad you’re done with this, and leaving this adulterous wife. Get that video if possible and provide it to your attorney. Might be a legal use for it.

I’m so sorry for you.

When you get back and get your ducks in a row tell the obs

I hate this for you brother. The biggest sting for me was living with someone who was so comfortable living a double life. I just don't understand how someone can be so seemingly normal under those circumstances. Unfortunately this seems to be the case for your wife. I believe you are making the very best choice for your long-term health and happiness by removing her from your life. You're likely in the shock/relief stage. It will get more difficult before it gets better, so go easy on yourself. Hold close to your values and guiding principles. I would suggest reading Stephen Stonseys book living and loving after betrayal.

Thanks for your replies. I'm honestly just done mentally and I want to move on with my life. I'm more worried about my son. I hate how she is going to tramatize him with this. His birthday is in July so I'll probably wait until after his birthday. I'll start talking to divorce lawyers ASAP. I'm also going to hire a PI to find the other betrayed spouse so I can notify her. Also counseling for my son and I too.

I encourage you to think strategically.
If you are determined to divorce you want to get through that process in the best way possible. In that instance, the threat of exposure might be worth more than actual exposure.
Not saying don’t tell OMW, but consider the timing.
Worst-case scenario for you right now might be that you reach out to OM or his wife, and since he is higher up in the company but not a direct superior of your wife, she get’s fired for some reason (downsizing, relocations...) and that might make her more financially dependent on you. Leading to higher spousal support.

I encourage you to google infidelity and its possible effects on the divorce process in your state. Chances are there is no or limited impact, but if it does you need to understand the level and quality of proof you might require. A PI would make more sense there. I think finding his wife is a simple 10 minute google search.

Don’t wait until after his birthday. I encourage you to act directly but strategically. Like prepare an action plan: 1) Select an attorney and set up an appointment 2) if infidelity impacts D, then have the level of proof required confirmed and get that proof (for example: maybe the video off her phone would be inadmissible since it’s taken off her private device) 3) have an action-plan in place for the initial period after filing (can you move out, can she be moved out, can you have an in-house separation etc).

I agree with Bigger. Start this process now. It’s NOT you ruining your son’s birthday - your wife is 100% responsible for that. That doesn’t mean confront immediately. In fact, I’d advise against that until you’ve spoken to your lawyer. You can only keep up the "not knowing" act so long. Once she realizes you know, my guess is she’ll know you’re done, and she could well go nasty. Play the sick card for now - that could buy you up to a week - enough to meet with your lawyer, and make any financial moves they advise.