SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Im so so sorry for this long post, but im dying inside. I need help, and I want optemistic stories from second time survivors. please!

Me and my H are 17 years together. I'm with him since I was 19. We had a great relationship, and than I found out about an emotional affair with his long time female friend that lasted a year. I had my suspensions about them, I asked him a lot of times and said I feel that something is wrong between them, but he always kissed me and reassured me that he's not cheating.
So... in 2016 to 2017 There were ssexual/romantic messages between them. No physical touch though.I found out just 2 weeks after giving birth to our first child. It was devastating, but I completely wanted to stay with him..we were young (26 yo) and little did we know about what should have been done, but we worked through it. I worked hard with therapy so I could fall in love with him again..it took me 3 or 4 years to feel completely in love, and semi trust him 80% . He never done any work, cause we were sure the trauma we had was enough for him to never cheat again.
He was an amazing husband and father (brought together our second child in 2019), I was truly happy. But still had doubts, and I constantly asked him if he's cheating on me, or will he tell me the truth if something will happen.
He promised he will. I always talked about how I want the truth even if it's uncomfortable,and if he feels like he's falling, he should come to me, to work through it together.

In 2020 came to his work a new female worker...I met her and became friends with her...we went out together and also went out as families with the kids. Fast forwaed to 2024, they started a physical affair, started with holding hands and gradually went into kissing, sex messages and eventually oral sex in the car and our houses. It lasted a year..the husband found out, they stopped the sexual interaction but stayed friends, cause later it was clear that she wasn't very mentally stable, and my H felt forced to keep in touch with her so she wont expose the affair to me. He didn't want to continue the "friendship".
Anyways, no one told me about it, cause my H fought and did everything so I won't find out. And I didn't,for 1.5 years I lived my happy life went out with this "friend" like nothing ever happened, by the way I was the one supporting her during her affair cause she told me she cheated on her husband, but I didn't know it was with my husband!! I knew she cheated and I was her support during these 1.5 years.

Eventually her husband came to my work place and told me.

Now,I'm completely dead inside.
I love my H, but I'm mortified to give him a third chance.
I thought we were truly happy, I was, he was, we really had a great relationship. Sex was great, I thought communication could have been better, but it was good, we were traveling having the time of our lives, and I truly felt loved by him.

He took full responsibility, He started IC, saying it's not even about the marriage,it's about understanding how he could have done something like this. He never had any feelings towards her, she was just easy, so he took the opportunity.

But, no one can tell me he'll never cheat again. How can I give him my heart again knowing he'll maybe murder it again if something will happen in his inner twisted self?

I need advice, I need something positive. I love this piece of sh*t. I loved our marriage. What am I going to do?

Only you can decide what you are ok with, and what you are willing to accept going forward. I can't tell you what to do, only what I would do. My wife has a second chance. She doesn't get a third.

I wish I had something positive to offer — but your WS sounds like he has some serious boundary issues — if he’d rather have the fun than protect the M more than once, that’s really uphill work.

Humans love validation, he has to figure out his esteem issues for wanting more beyond his M.

I’ve seen couples recover from multiple A’s, so it is possible, but not until your WS owns his choices instead of searching for mystery motivations via therapy. He knows why he did what he wanted to do.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:27 PM, Wednesday, August 26th]

Hi, I was just going to respond to your post in JFO.

Gently, it doesn't sound like your husband is going to change. Yes, he is trying to do the right thing THIS TIME.

You have gotten a double whammy here, TWO people you trusted stabbed you in the back, very cruel.

I think you love the person you want him to be, not the person he really is.

Suggest a good trauma specialist to help you work through this double trauma.

My WH knew that if he ever cheated again, that would be the end. I have too much self-respect to allow myself to continue with a man who would destroy me twice.

Only you can decide if you truly want this marriage, understand it will take years again to trust him if ever.

[This message edited by annb at 12:52 AM, Thursday, August 27th]

Hi Annb,

So did your H cheated on you twice, and you're divorced now?

If so, did he go to therapy after the first time to understand WHY he wascheating? or did you go for CC?

I survived two affairs and we are happily reconciled. That’s the summary of our lives together.

I won’t bore you with the long drawn out saga. But to sum it up, the first affair was a four year emotional affair that my husband refused to admit to. This was before cell phones and texts and was 100% in person. I knew it was going on and this woman also befriended me and was welcome in our home for years.

It finally ended, my husband admitted nothing, and it was completely swept under the rug. BIG mistake!

The second affair was the typical midlife Crisis affair. He was planning to divorce me to be with the much younger other woman. I’m not sure how we survived it but honestly, I consider it a miracle.

What I think you are looking for is reassurance that you can reconcile with your husband and be happy and in love, etc.

Only you can decide if that will be your outcome. I say this because your husband can go to counseling, be truly remorseful, do all the right things and never cheat again — however that does not mean you will have the same feelings for him or want to remain married to him

One of the reasons we have been happily reconciled is because I changed. For one, I stopped being a dormat and allowing him to constantly call the shots. I also started holding him 100% accountable which I did not do in the past.

I also stood up to him, asserted myself, kicked him to the curb and prepared to divorce him while he was begging for a third chance, I told him I would only consider reconciliation if he signed a post nup — he willingly agreed so I have financially protected myself.

In short, I became a bad ass of a wife during the first two years of reconciliation. I’m certain he’s sorry he ever had to see that side of me, but I could no longer keep things status quo.

I worked long and hard to heal myself. I am living my best life because I no longer put Him and our marriage first. We have a very different marriage now and honestly, my attitude is if he doesn’t like it he knows where the door is.

I have also financially protected myself in a number of other ways. I have my own bank accounts, my own retirement accounts, my own credit cards, a car that is paid for and in my name, as well as making sure I have complete awareness of all of our finances. I did all of this as the result of him almost walking out the door and kicking me to the curb. I had no idea 13 years ago if he was even going to continue to pay the mortgage, so I decided to protect myself and my credit score in case he left me hanging without financial support

A word to the wise — you may decide you want to reconcile now and five years from now decide the marriage no longer works. It happens. Things can change. But please know just because you make a decision in 2026 doesn’t mean you have to live with that decision in 2030.

Please continue to post here to get the support you need.

I’m certain you will get a lot of posts from people who did give their spouse a second chance and it did not work out.

Sadly that happens. Some people are liars and cheaters and will never change.

However the positives I see in your case is that your husband has gone to therapy and is willing to figure out why he did what he did.

But in the end, only you can decide what is best for you. Don’t stay for the kids. Don’t stay because of fear. Only stay because you want to be married to him and he has given you positive vibes that he is someone worth investing in.

PS I still don’t do my H’s laundry or errands. He cooks dinner more than I do It’s been 13 years and he’s okay with that. He’s happy I gave him a third chance.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:16 PM, Thursday, August 27th]

Thank you so much for your response The1stWife!

Yes I do look for reassurance that you can fall back in love with the person who hurt you twice, and be happy together.

I'm a very emotional person, I need love in my life, or else I'm miserable..there are couples who stay together and just live like they have a business to run (family), and just work as a team. It might work for some, but

I think it's sad, I need more than that.
May I ask, what did your H do in order to show you he had changed? Did he go to IC?

[This message edited by MacandChees at 8:30 PM, Thursday, August 27th]

Hi Annb,

So did your H cheated on you twice, and you're divorced now?

If so, did he go to therapy after the first time to understand WHY he wascheating? or did you go for CC?

No, my husband cheated once. Sorry if you misunderstood, after the nuclear bomb he dropped on our marriage, I was crystal clear that if he EVER, I mean EVER, cheated again, I would file for divorce immediately. No second chance after he witnessed me barely functioning bc of his infidelity.

He understood that it was his need for validation that got him caught up in his affair.

We did not divorce, but it was a LONG road of pure hell to move past the damage he did. For me personally, I would never consider going down that road again, but only you can decide if you want to stay.

Hi M&C:

In response to your question about what my husband did, the answer is yes he did go for counseling. However, his counselor was really not doing anything to help and I believe was causing more damage.

Just to give you an example, his counselor was all into that"love language" crap. While some people are on board with that, I am not. So when my husband started down that path, it just really irritated me. It was then I suggested he stop therapy. Because it wasn’t helping.

I think what made me consider giving him Another chance was in a very short time. I could see that he was making changes on his own. The changes were significant, and I decided to give him a chance at reconciliation.

I can honestly say that it took me about a year to 100% commit to reconciling. It was hard for me because I was convinced that divorce was the only solution. My own counselor even advocated for giving him another chance.

I knew I wasn’t bound to Reconciliation if it did not work for me.

One of the things that I required to even consider reconciling was a post nup. I need to financially protect myself in order to feel safe. My husband willingly signed it because in his mind, he believed it would never be needed because he felt as though he could turn this around.

For the next few years, my husband did not go to bars without me. He stopped all work related functions that involved dinners, bars, socializing with coworkers and clients. If he had to attend, he only went to the dinner and was usually home by 9 PM.

He started being accountable for his whereabouts and if he said he would be home at 6 PM, he was home at 6 PM. In the past, he might say he’d be home at 6 PM and walk in the door at midnight without even bothering to call and let me know he was going to be late.

He allowed me to have free access to his phone whenever I want. I don’t think this was overly important to me, but it was nice that he was willing to show He had nothing to hide.

I can tell you that it took years for the trust to return. However, it’s been 13 years and he has not gone back to any of his old ways or given me any reason to suspect he’s been unfaithful or dishonest.

I will be honest tell you that I changed and I no longer tolerate lying, excessive lateness, disrespect, and some of the other behaviors that occurred in the past. I did not allow him to rug sweep the second affair (like I did his first emotional affair).

Things changed because I changed. I stop being a doormat and allowing him to manipulate me to get his own way. I learned that "no" is a complete sentence and I don’t need to explain myself over and over again.

I hope this helps you. Feel free to ask me any additional questions.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:46 AM, Friday, August 28th]

The1stWife,

Oh how I wish I had something to rely on. My husband was always on time, always told me where he went, and when he'll come home. Accept when I was at my first girls trip, he brought her home, and he literally hid her in the other room when I made a video call from the trip! and when he said he's leaving for work in the morning, he went to her place, having oral sex with her, and then they would work from her home (they could work from home sometimes), so I was always feeling safe. Work meeting at restaurants and bars, were always with the entire group, but after that they would make up and having oral sex in the car.

I always had access to his phone, I saw their work related or regular friendly conversations, but all the sexual ones were deleted, so I had no way of knowing. She knew when to write to him cause he'd made sure to tell her when I was away for work etc.

He always showed respect to me. He was a wonderful husband and father and truly loving, I guess you can't fake actions of true love and care, righ? You can feel when it's genuine..right?

but then he literally did this horrible thing parallel to our M.

So my problem is what should I see as a change? How can I know if he is a changed man?

He was completely present with me and the kids, and we really had great communication. This is why it is so hard to leave. I truly loved him. I truly loved our M.

What should I look for now? I'm at complete darkness on what behavior I should focus on now?

How can I know what is real anymore?

[This message edited by MacandChees at 6:39 AM, Friday, August 28th]

Do they still work together?

Drwning45,

No, my H left for another job, but not because of her, they continued their meetings after he left.

Ah ok, my husband's story is very similar to yours, I also struggled at the start to know what to look for but the biggest thing for me (at the time) was that he had left that job and by default cut contact. We always had life 360 so I always knew where he was ie at work, but his affair was only ever conducted while at work so it was hidden in plain sight. Once it was all exposed, even though he was in a new role he voluntarily started to work from home, he basically didn't leave my side for the first 6 months, this obviously isn't a long term strategy but it helped while I was in the depths of hell at the start. As time went on and I became more regulated I was able to identify changes in him, things that I didn't even pick up as being an issue before but now I see that his thought process is completely different, how he operates is different, but I wouldn't have been able to tell you at the start what I needed to look for, I just had to experience it. I know that probably doesn't help you right now but for me it was evidence over time that he wasn't operating and thinking the same way as he was before.