Putting everyone else first
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11 comments posted: Monday, September 22nd, 2025
Mother in law disparaging me to my daughter
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10 comments posted: Thursday, July 17th, 2025
WH recording argument
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17 comments posted: Friday, June 20th, 2025
Video on WH phone
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30 comments posted: Friday, April 25th, 2025
Still no change in 3 years
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17 comments posted: Thursday, April 17th, 2025
There is hope...
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4 comments posted: Sunday, January 19th, 2025
Accepting the status quo
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9 comments posted: Monday, September 9th, 2024
At my wits end
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16 comments posted: Wednesday, August 7th, 2024
Quote of the day
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7 comments posted: Saturday, June 22nd, 2024
Giving up
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12 comments posted: Wednesday, June 5th, 2024
How could he have left us?
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8 comments posted: Thursday, May 23rd, 2024
How can trust ever be rebuilt?
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4 comments posted: Tuesday, May 14th, 2024
Is infidelity just part of the human condition?
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8 comments posted: Wednesday, May 1st, 2024
Mother in law
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21 comments posted: Sunday, April 14th, 2024
Back to square one
Yet more trickle truth it seems 😭
We're now 20 months out from dday, and just entering affair season 2. It's been TT throughout but 5 months ago my husband swore blind yet again that is was not hiding anything else.
My gut has not been able to sync with this, and yet again, under immense pressure, he has cracked and divulged a few more details. These details in no way change the story of the affair whatsoever, though. They are not in any way earth shattering. So I don't feel this is some new dday - but I do very much feel back at square one somehow.
The last 5 months has seen me become quite severely depressed, drink too much, a recurrence of my eating disorder and generally just disintegrate all round. Mostly because I've known in my gut he's still hiding things. And yep its true 👍
I'd like to point out that my husband, apart from the lying, has been all in during reconciliation. He's never once blamed me, he will talk whenever I need without any sign of frustration (zero get over it already), he's demonstrating sincere remorse and I believe would do anything I asked of him in order to reconcile - apart from give me honesty.
I know him lying centres around shame and fear. Not because he wants to harm me. I actually wonder whether he is so broken, that he is incapable of honesty?
Not sure where to go from here. I still don't believe this is everything. He again claims it is. But it feels very much the same as the last bout of TT.
At the point of giving up, everyday I feel I wake up into a nightmare and so I'd rather just stay asleep if I could, but I can't.
When did you know there was no more TT? I'd assume my gut would just settle, but it hasn't.
15 comments posted: Thursday, March 14th, 2024
Taunting the AP
Does anyone else ever try to taunt the AP on social media?
Throughout the A, my husband says she was constantly on my Facebook page. And she would bring up things with him, and get jealous. For example, he'd send her a song he liked and she would get angry saying "oh, that was yours and HER'S song wasn't it?! I saw it on her facebook". Quite creepy really - this is a person who I didn't even know existed.
My husband believes adamantly that she will still be checking my Facebook (even though she blocked me after dday - and then unblocked, and blocked and, unblocked and blocked etc). I mean, I know I check hers, but I have a reason 🙄
So I do often enjoy posting happy photos of us, nights out, family occasions. WH encourages this, as he wants her to know full well we are together, so she is less likely to ever contact him again.
I put a post up a few days ago on my birthday, including a very sweet message my husband sent me, a few gifts, and generally just us having a nice time. During the A, towards the end it was her birthday. He didn't really want to see her, and was just waiting to get her birthday out the way. Apparently her birthday was a huge deal to her 🙄 He says he procrastined and just didn't want to get anything. So before seeing her, he grabbed some flowers and a cardboard birthday hat, and that was it (during our marriage, he's always been incredibly thoughtful with gift giving).
So I asked him to get the same hat for me as a joke, so I could put a pic on Facebook, jokingly saying "I'm glad this isn't all I got". Yes, yes, I know its childish, but I need some fun in my life 😁
A few days later, she's changed her profile settings to public, and suddenly written in her bio "The truth will prevail...". I know I poked the bear so to speak, but I just feel triggered and angry! What is that supposed to mean?! 🤔 I can't help obsessing about its potential meaning! My husband says that he thinks its her feeling burnt by him. It makes me question whether I known everything? But then, unless she has somehow bugged our house, she can't know what he has told me (or hasnt).
Either way, husband says take it as a win. He feels she is clearly obsessing, she clearly still checks, and that means she's suffering in some way too. She is backpacking in another country, supposedly having the time of her life 🙄
Has anyone else dabbled in similar taunting of the AP?
63 comments posted: Thursday, February 22nd, 2024
Compassion
I've always thought of myself as a highly compassionate, empathetic person. I think its important in the R process, but I can't seem to muster much at all - I feel a few flickers, but then it burns out again.
I know on a very basic level, that my WH's A, was a product of his own brokenness. This is a man that spent 13 years being kind to me, never raised his voice, was devoted to his family and treasured his career. Yes, it appears in hindsight that he was also very selfish and had extremely poor boundaries and I put him on a pedestal where he didn't belong - but he would be considered by all measures, a good egg.
During his affair, he was so angry all of the time. He was unreservedly cruel and cold towards me and our children. He became mentally abusive. He put his entire career and therefore our home, on the line. He could have lost absolutely everything he had worked hard for. He was the exact polar opposite of what I (and everyone who knows him) had ever known him to be. He even looked different to me. As soon as he ended the A, something changed in his eyes.
Typically when people begin new relationships, they do not suddenly morph into callous, angry monsters. They do not risk their job. The do not risk being disowned by their parents. So by this logic, I believe an affair MUST be a sign of a persons brokenness?
The question is, how do I see past the monster he presented as, to compassion for the man I loved for all those years?
12 comments posted: Wednesday, February 7th, 2024
WS lying to themselves...
This is more of a disappointed grumble then anything else.
Last night we were discussing the A, and I can't recall exactly how it came up, but my WH mentioned the fact that he believes he never would have had an A with a married woman (AP was single, no kids). He said he believes he would have thought of "the fall out" first, their kids etc. I of course, scoffed.
Now firstly, this hurts because of the absolute obvious. So, he was willing to destroy his own wife and kids, who he never gave a second thought to, but proclaims he would have given strangers a level of consideration he was not able to give his own family. Huh.
Secondly, I feel after 18 months of R, this man STILL has his head up his own ass. He is still unable to truly look at himself and be honest about who he is and what he is capable of - how can a WS really change if they still lie to themselves?
We had a discussion about it and he then agreed that ok, he would have been capable of having an affair with a married woman. Yet, what if I'd said nothing? Surely it shouldn't take me getting him to see the obvious, while he lives in complete denial?
Just disappointed that this is where he's at in 18 months 😔
20 comments posted: Saturday, December 30th, 2023
Empathy from your WS
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6 comments posted: Thursday, November 23rd, 2023
Should he have let me know?
Firstly, please be gentle as I'm feeling really fragile. And I apologise in advance if this post is all over the place. I'll try and keep it short...
WH and I are about 17 months from DDay, he had a EA/PA and actually temporarily left me and our kids for the AP. He came back a short while after.
He has TT, gaslit and manipulated me through R, but has also seemed deeply remorseful and full of shame and guilt (I know that seems contradictory). About 5 or 6 weeks ago I really felt we had reached point where I possibly knew everything there was about the A, and that maybe he was finally telling the truth - or more that he had TT everything there was to know - there has to be an end point right? We even told our kids about the A, and I felt we became closer as a family.
We had a really peaceful few weeks, and I felt a sense of ease that I hadn't felt since before the A. However, my head, heart and gut just won't align it seems 😔
Over the past few days I just keep feeling this intense gut feeling that won't ease. In my gut, I can't accept that he's being honest. Now this could just be because of his chronic lying but, I could also be spot on. I have been every time before.
I feel he's hiding stuff from the past and the A. Some stuff I have no real reason to believe, its just a gut feeling, but a few other things are based on my own logic/phone bills.
We had a row last night and I think I reached my tipping point. I'm reflecting on some of the shitty things he said to me, which were in response to my own shitty statements, don't get me wrong.
I told him I don't understand why he is willing to risk being financially destitute, for the sake of taking a risk and telling me everything (if we separate he will seriously struggle, I've done the math). His response was that he won't be destitute as he will go "scorched earth" on me. What does this mean? It feels like a thinly veiled threat to me. Seriously?
I told him I wish he was not the father of my children (I know, I know, an abominable thing to say - but there is a nugget of truth there. Maybe if id had kids with someone else, they wouldn't have brought this shit storm into their lives). His response was that he wishes I wasn't their mother, either? I mean wtf? He's destroyed my life, my mental health, I've given him chance after chance....how can those words even leave his mouth? I know anger is the reason, but still. After the pain he has caused me?
Anyway, I snapped and said I was done. I told him I want to separate and that I have blocked him on WhatsApp and I only want to hear from him via email (which obviously makes no sense as we live together still? But I was reeling). He slept downstairs and went to work in the morning without a word. Not a peep all day. Fine, that's what I asked for right. It hasn't stopped me from crying and having a stomach full of knots all day whilst trying to work with two kids at home.
Before I knew he should be leaving from work this evening, I unblocked him on WhatsApp (gosh even writing that sounds so childish) and sent him a message asking him if he could please buy a bottle of wine on the way home, as I'm really not feeling OK (yes, not the best coping mechanism right now! Though maybe he'd offer an ember of empathy?). But no response. I checked life360 and he was 30 mins in the opposite direction of where he was due to finish. I can't explain the adrenaline that shot through me, but I felt sick to my stomach. He frequently used to use "late home from work", as an excuse to go and have sex with AP. I know rationally this wasn't what he was doing as AP is abroad and he doesn't work at the same place anymore, but the physiological response felt the same. Throughout R, he has ALWAYS let me know if he was going to be late off. And stayed in contact. He knows it's a huge trigger of mine.
Anyway, when I pointed out he clearly wasn't going to be home anytime soon as I've checked life360, his excuses for not letting me know are 1) didn't have time (yes he did). 2) I'd blocked him and he had no way of letting me know (text, house phone, email, a quick message to our kids?). 3) I had told him to leave me alone so he thought I wouldn't want to know.
It can't be all 3?
Nope. I believe he was being childish and obstinate. I told him to leave me alone, so that's what he's done, right? If I want to be left alone, then he sure as hell isn't going to let me know he's late home. If I worry and perhaps contact him, we'll then that's a bonus right?
I feel his actions are speaking volumes. Instead of stepping up when R isn't going his way, his response is to literally do nothing and then claim, well that's what I "told" him to do. Leave me alone. Shame he didn't do what I told him when i told him not to sleep with other people. Or lie to me to the point of making me unwell.
So...my point was...should he have let me know he was going to be late home? Or should I accept that, well I told him to leave me alone, so what can I expect? (Ha, just writing that made me remember why I blocked him on WhatsApp last night - he usually doesn't leave me alone when I tell him I'm done due to TT, and starts sending me articles about lying as a mental health disorder 🤔).
I can feel myself detaching in a way I never have before 😔
21 comments posted: Friday, October 27th, 2023
When did you believe you had the entire truth?
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18 comments posted: Friday, September 22nd, 2023
How did you over come the hurt?
HOW did you over come the hurt of being betrayed?
I posted recently re my WH's trickle truthing. He's currently having hypnotherapy, which is helping him regress back into his childhood, to figure out when his issues with telling the truth began. He had a moment last week in a session where a memory came back to him from his childhood that he'd not even realised was there; he owned up to his dad to breaking a game controller, his dad lost is shit and called him all sorts, made him feel literally insignificant and stupid. He started crying in his session. The hypnotherapist believes he has a deep seated fear of telling the truth, fearing abandonment.
I'm not sure what I think about any of the above. But things in our household have settled massively. Things are calm.
I'm doing a lot of reflection, and I'm stuck. Aside from the lying, he is giving me everything I'm asking for and what is recommended a WS should do. He's never once tried to blame me, he talks about the A when I need to (which is pretty much all the time), he checks on me throughout the day and brings A related things up. He has zero feelings for the AP, apart from contempt. Changed jobs, STD testing, he regularly shares thoughts of guilt and shame. There's nothing he won't do.
In addition to this, we still get along so well. We can talk for hours, we laugh together, we enjoy all of the same things, we've joined a gym and starting running again together. We have great family days out with the kids. We are still very affectionate. We share the same goals for the future.
But I still feel like there is a hole in my heart that will never heal. Despite all of the above, when I stop and think, I don't believe I can ever get over everything he's done. I think even without the TT, I don't think I'd be able to. Then I think of leaving, and I feel a little weight off my shoulders in someway. I make my peace with my decision to leave - but then, I suddenly find myself already planning our next night out/Christmas gettaway/camping.
I feel like there's something wrong with me 😔
11 comments posted: Sunday, August 20th, 2023
The destruction of TT
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15 comments posted: Wednesday, August 9th, 2023
Reconciliation where the WS left for the AP?
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14 comments posted: Saturday, June 10th, 2023
Marriages that have R in real life?
I don't know of any relationships in real life that have R. I've only known of couples that have separated following an affair. I actually didn't know R was a "thing", I just naively presumed infidelity leads immediately to divorce.
I feel people around me just don't have any comprehension of how painful infidelity is 😔 I can't help but feel people secretly think I should just be moving on given that we are R.
It is a lonely place to be at times.
19 comments posted: Saturday, May 20th, 2023
Is a degree of trickle truth inevitable?
I was just wondering whether people feel some degree of TT is inevitable?
DD one year anniversary is just over a month away and despite promising and vowing not TT, my H has. The last TT was about 7 weeks ago and now I have, yet again, more renewed promises etc etc 🙄
The saddest thing is, the things he has lied about are minor and in no way change the outcome of us trying to R. For example, I asked whether he took annual leave to see her (he denied this but it now transpires he took 2 hours leave very early on - but like I say, it doesn't change anything, I just want the truth!). Yet he has admitted to some other pretty gruesome details. The duration of the A is as he said, I knew it was an EA/PA right from the beginning, and I know there has been absolutely NC.
It's just minor details he slips up on. He has a knee jerk reaction to lie and then digs himself a hole (something he's done since childhood). He says it's because he's terrified one more thing will tip me over the edge and I'll leave. Yet I've promised I won't, and I just need the truth. He's seen the things he's TT about, literally drive me nuts, and still held back, digging a deeper and deeper hole for himself.
Other then the TT, he has mostly been a model WH. I don't want to throw the towel in, but I am so sick of being lied to. I just feel despondent and empty at the moment though, like he has again shattered the little bit of hope we had built up, over the most ridiculous thing to lie about.
But is some TT almost expected? Is it unrealistic to expect someone as broken as a WS to suddenly be able to fix years of ingrained self protective behaviour, this quickly?
Ironically, I have a grain of trust that he probably won't cheat again. I can see how he has destroyed himself and he has changed in so many other ways for the better.
20 comments posted: Friday, May 5th, 2023
When is there too much to forgive?
Hello there from the UK!
I found about 9 months ago that my husband was having an affair. The affair lasted 3 months and was both a PA/EA.
He basically met her, there was a spark, he sought her out on social media - a week later they've kissed and two weeks later he's having sex with her. Fast forward 6 weeks later, he's telling me we are done, he left me and our girls (aged now 10 and 11 - I will never forget my eldest telling me she wishes she was dead when she found out her dad was leaving).
Naturally, he didn't tell me, nor anyone else that he was leaving his wife of 13 years and his daughters for some young girl he's known for 6 weeks. He told everyone, including his family that he had "snapped". He told me he didn't love me, and that maybe he never had loved me. The pain he caused me was inexplicable. I couldn't get up off the floor, I thought I was going to die of a broken heart. We had always had an extremely close, loving relationship, so this was so out of the blue - and for anyone who knew us.
A week later, he came back, telling me he loved me and he'd missed me and he was sorry. Yet for the next month, continued to be cold and distant. I came to the conclusion he was depressed, so I picked up all the slack at home whilst trying to look after two kids and work full time, struggling with the trauma he put me through.
To cut a long story short, my gut started kicking into action. I know things weren't adding up, and he was becoming more and more gaslighting towards me. I'd reached me limit where I just told him to go to his parents. Turns out he was turning his family against me, saying I wouldn't give it a rest and am acting crazy. Then I found evidence that he was having an affair, but instead of coming back and trying to reconcile with me, he went to her. I even received a nasty message from his dad telling me he knows his son wouldn't do such a thing, saying that I had destroyed my marriage with my issues and that I need help as I am hurting my children with my behaviour!!!!!!!!!
A week after I found out and he came to take the kids to school, I saw his eyes almost go back to normal. It's like he'd had an exorcism. He said he was ending things with her - and he did.
Move to now, and he is an absolutely completely different person! He is full of remorse, he had never once blamed me, we talk until the early hours, he is receiving IC and he is journalling. He deleted any social media and I'm offered all the transparency I need.
BUT, I feel this is not just an affair I'm getting over - it is the total and absolute betrayal and violation of another human being. During the A, he literally treated me horrifically.
It's probably easier to list the things that I am stuck on:
- He told me he didn't love me and probably never had.
- He left me and his children for a girl he had known for 6 WEEKS.
- He sought her out on social media and jumped into bed with her, with such ease. Not a thought for me and his children.
- He put me down to others and told lies about me, saying I was the issue for our marriage woes.
- unbeknownst to me, when he came back after that week of leaving, he was removing his wedding ring and actually telling friends and colleagues he was SINGLE and we were just living together.
- He told a mutual friend of ours about some childhood abuse that happened to me, that I had shared with him years ago in confidence. Using it to "justify" me having issues and being the problem.
- He told her he "has never felt this way before" - I know this was all during the fog, and it wasn't real, but it still physically hurts me.
- I don't drive and the year before the A, we moved somewhere fairly remotish, with poor public transport. So this kids and I were more of less stranded and I had to rely on friends (no family nearby) to get around.
- He violated my character to his family and they turned on me when I needed support.
- When I found out about the A, he continued it for a week, even after I offered an olive branch. I called him when he was there, and he was so awful to me, just saying we are done and to leave him alone!
- Then the cherry on top, was that about 2 months after the A, and we were working on things, I found out he had been messaging a girl from work 12 years younger, and then deleting conversation - this was after I said to him anymore secrecy and I'm done!!! He got screenshot of the messages, and they were perfectly innocent. He just has constantly needed ego kibbles and to know people like him. But at my expense.
Is all of this "too much" to forgive? I just don't know. I feel completely and utterly destroyed by the absoluteness of his betrays.
I'm trying, he's trying, but it just hurts so much. I'm getting EMDR on Thursday, in the hopes that helps with some of the trauma.
23 comments posted: Friday, April 7th, 2023
