A bunch of jumbled thoughts

I found out my partner of 9 years had an affair two months ago. I don't want to go into too many details, but I found out by simply walking by his computer and seeing an open chat log with the other person. I immediately confronted him and he admitted it had been going on for a month. He cut contact with her at my request and we got into couple's therapy shortly after.

Things have been up and down since then. He has apologized hundreds of times. Despite his gruelingly long work days, he's spent several sleepless nights comforting me for hours as I cry and scream. He's planned dates, bought me so many gifts and surprises, and listens patiently to me when I tell him how I feel, even if I'm not kind in my delivery. He respects my rage and my sadness. He earnestly studies and applies what our therapist has been teaching us to his actions and words. We still have fun, beautiful moments. And yet, the pain remains unbearable at times. I know it's still early into our reconciliation. I know I have trauma that can take years to heal from. It's just so hard and confusing.

I love him so much. I know he loves me. Even during the affair, he was never cold or inattentive. We always greeted each other with excitement, every single day. I felt that he was the person that I was meant to spend my forever with. On many levels, I still feel that way. It is my natural instinct to forgive him, to love him. I still want to run to him when he comes home from work. But when I remember the betrayal, I feel like I become a different person, and it's a person I honestly hate so much. Someone so full of anger and hopelessness, who just wants to destroy everything in their path.

There are so many new triggers. Romance shows used to be one of my favorite ways to pass the time, and now all they do is remind me of the trust and purity I feel I've lost in my relationship. It hurts to not be able to take comfort and enjoyment from them anymore. Going on the social media apps I knew he spoke to her on makes me feel nauseous, and it sucks because all of my friends are on there and I can't happily look at their posts anymore.

On our good days, I wish I could just forget everything and allow myself to fully be happy with him again. It makes me sad that it isn't that easy.

I feel like a creep when I go through his devices (therapist recommended this to encourage rebuilding of transparency) because I never used to do that and I've never even wanted to. I feel like a tyrant for asking him for new boundaries, even though he has responded positively to them every single time and understands why they are necessary for me to feel safe. I don't know how to let go of this weird guilt I have for simply asking for things that will help us heal. I'm working on it with our mutual therapist and I will be starting with a new individual therapist soon as well.

I'm all over the place. I just wanted to get this out somewhere; we haven't told many people in our circle and I often feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel. Thanks to anyone who reads this.

2 comments posted: Thursday, February 19th, 2026