Looking for some gentile advice about a 38 year old issue

First, I posted this story under another user name last year. Didn't feel it was well received, got mad and closed my profile. I was in the midst of a little crisis and somewhat volatile. I'm back and a little more calm about things.

My wife and I began as FWB in 1986. I actually wanted to pursue her romantically but at that time in her life, she wasn't really ready for that. She was freshly divorced and running wild. I took what I could get. We both had other "friends" and I accepted that, hoping for more. We were neighbors in an apartment complex and we could see each other's apartments from our front windows. I had room mates and my apartment was in the middle of a group that had weekend BBQ and parties. I also had two FWB living right above me that would randomly knock on my door to be serviced. Seems pretty ideal for a 23 year old Sailor on shore duty, right? Well, I was trying to find an actual relationship so I cut my other FWB out, got rid of a wild room mate, cooled it on the parties and pursued her.

She would not date me but she would occasionally sleep with me. She continued to date and see her other FWB. She claims now that she didn't understand my level of interest. In 1987 we did date, late in the year we became exclusive and moved in together in 1988. She had a son from her previous marriage and I raised that boy as my own since he was 4, almost 5. He is my son and heir. We are now wealthy and he will make out okay by that.

Here's my issue: I know that I was chosen or settled for, for my financial stability. Back then, I was an E-4 with my bills paid, savings in the bank, etc. A bit of a unicorn. She was bankrupt from her divorce. Her prior husband was a total disaster financially. After getting kicked out of the AF, he would not work, she supported the family by working a job and being a reservist in the Naval Air Reserve. While she was doing that, he was getting them into debt and cheating on her. They divorced in 1983. I feel like a bit of an idiot for accepting that but we have been mostly happy for 4 decades. I have lingering issues though, surrounding one man that I'm sure she slept with that may have spilled into our relationship but she WILL ADMIT NOTHING. That's troublesome to me because we have "complete" disclosure of our sexual histories, both are a bit wild.

She's disclosed risky sexual behavior on a Navy flight line with an enlisted Sailor in her command with whom she spent two weeks on ACTDUTRA in Fallon where she started a 2nd illicit relationship with an Officer in her command, both overlapping. She traded sex for drugs with a much older civilian that she worked with at her regular job, she started a "passionate love affair" with a Marine during that period while also sleeping with me. She did cut me out while with him. He dumped her and we resumed our FWB, and a little later began dating, became exclusive, etc. I know all of that and always have.

During that FWB time, I had a friend, a sub Sailor that I had know from 8th grade. He had a key to my apartment to use as "home base" when not on patrol. He maintained that privilege even after she and I were living together both in the apartment and later in a house that we rented. Probably foolish on my part but... He visited her apartment for hours with the curtains drawn, just as I occasionally did. This is before she and I ever even went on a date. We all know what they were doing in there but, she denies it. "Just talking" has been the story for 40 years. If I know about all the other behavior and more from before her marriage, why would she not admit to this? I had no claim on her at that time. The only thing that I can think of is that they continued into our real relationship and she doesn't want to admit that.

It was not unusual for me to come home from work to find him at my house, doing laundry and/or working on his car. He had free access. However there was an incident that haunts me and that triggered me a couple years ago. I went to sea for carrier quals. Because he had a barracks room at the sub base, somewhat near the carrier base, he dropped me at the ship. It was assumed that we'd be staying on the ship for the night and sailing with the morning tide. I assumed that he was going to his room in the barracks. We loaded our gear on the ship and command gave us liberty for the night, be back on the ship at 0600. I got a ride home and there his car was in front of my house, 27 miles north of the port. When I walked in, they were not even in the same room, it's not like I caught them in the act but they were surprised to see me and nervous. We had a weird dinner together, he left, we slept, didn't talk about it, a shipmate picked me up at 0400, history.

A couple years ago, this all came up in a trigger event. She and I had a week long discussion about ancient events. I could not sleep or eat for that week. I'm a diabetic on 3 meds so not eating is a bit of a problem. I was very out of sorts, had a confrontation with a speeding driver crossing an easement on our property, resulting in me catching 4 charges. All of that resolved favorably ish. Plead guilty to DTP in exchange for dropping the other charges, got a withheld judgement because this was my 1st ever offense. The DTP was dropped after I cleared sentence. It was embarrassing in the extreme but that's what happens when you are driven crazy by marital events I guess.

How do I get this stuff straight in my head? I "know" that they had a sexual relationship at a time when I had no right to be jealous about it but still am. Our relationship was, at that time more serious in my mind than it was in real life. I felt like my friend was screwing or just spending time with "my girl." She wasn't that at the time but none the less I felt something. They both deny it. I haven't seen this guy in 35 years but have spoken to him on the phone a few times. One was that week, two years ago. His denial was exactly the same as her denial right down to the word. Suggesting that she clued him in that my call might be coming. I don't know that but my brain is pretty sure of it. I think that their motivation is to "protect me" and maybe the marriage but the feeling that I'm being sandbagged might be worse.

Otherwise, she and I are having a very happy, very close relationship. This one ancient pinch point weighs on my mind.

0 comment posted: Friday, August 28th, 2026