SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Considering separation? I hope my story helps in some way. I have kids and am 6 months into separation. I've learned a lot.

I am about to share information that I believe will help some of you. I’ve made some bold decisions over the past 18 months and I’d like to share with you so, beyond theory, it may help you make decisions.

18 months ago I caught my wife (married 15 years) romantically texting another man. She lied about it and continued to lie to me for months as she continued to contact him. When caught in her lies, she would either apologize or she would go on the attack against me, but either way, It was never resolved. She refused to renew our vows, go to counseling, or show empathy.

We have three children, ages 7, 10 and 15.

I struggled with my wife’s behavior. I thought she wanted out of the marriage. I thought I was losing my family. I couldn’t sleep at night. I couldn’t work effectively and was prescribed anti-anxiety medication. I began to self-harm, hitting myself in the face sometimes because it made me “feel”. These were all signs of CPTSD, because over the course of many year and ramping up over the past few months, my wife was taking advantage of the fact that I was an empath. I believe I was a co-dependent. Her behavior rocked my foundation.

My wife showed all the signs of narcissism. Good chance she has a disorder. I read all of the books and watched all the YouTube videos. I became an expert. It’s helpful to understand what you are dealing with but I will tell you, I never found the solution outside of me. I only made progress when I looked inside. Why did I fall in love with someone like this? All of the answers came through meditation, sleep, and doing less, not doing more. Remove the distractions in life. Eat well. Be kind to yourself. Let me repeat, be KIND TO YOURSELF. Show compassion for yourself.

After a year of no progress with my wife and climbing out of the darkness through much counseling, I told my wife we were separating.

For those of you wondering what it would be like to tell your children, I can tell you first hand it is utterly heartbreaking. To see the look in their eyes, of hurt, knowing your words are hurting them, is something you must understand is going to happen. They don’t care if mommy or daddy was naughty, they just want their mommy and daddy.

I moved out and my wife and I each took the kids for a week. At first, I felt great. I healed. The kids actually didn’t mind it and thought it was fun at first. But, the newness goes away and then…

The kids have a lot of questions about why. I followed the rule of not talking bad about your spouse. I told them what I could but never spoke ill of mommy.

Then, the relationship with the children changed. I grew closer to my middle child (son) who always argued with mom anyway, but I grew more distant from my other two kids. My 7 year daughter began to get more snarky with me, stopped being the sweet princess she was and became a little more jaded. She became a little resentful of me. My oldest son kept his distance. I was concerned about all of it. My middle child shouldn’t be happy that we divorced and my other two children were obviously affected.

I don’t care what the books or the counselors say. Children aren’t that resilient. They are deeply affected by separation even if you are separating for what you think are the right reasons.

I began to get really bothered when my attorney started trying to dictate my life. Telling me I had to get my daughter to counseling because it will be important for the courts to have an independent person taking note of behavioral changes and how the parents are behaving with the children. Basically, if I wanted to put myself in the best position legally, I would need to do things with my children I didn’t want to do.

The separation agreement was a very long and detailed document. Everything from who gets the kids on the holidays to who gets grandma’s bookshelf. It was daunting to develop and absorb that this is what we had to agree to. As if we were losing control of our lives.

Any thought about future relationships and any excitement I had about a fresh start with new love, I began to realize, was just a dream. In reality, I have three kids, and all of my thoughts floated back to doing what is best for them. What is best for the children who love their mom?

Throughout all of this, my wife wanted us to be married again. After the initial shock and anger from her, she softened. She agreed to go to counseling. She began to try.

And here I am, convinced that there are two options and either option means I have to give up control.

Option 1: Stay separated and continue to position myself the best way legally, taking my kids to counseling but surely making my wife mad in the process, and seeing the negative impact this has on the children. Getting approval on the separation agreement from a judge.

Option 2: As long as my wife shows some effort, even if it’s a sliver of light, accept it and bring the family back together. Ditch the lawyer, the separation agreement, the suitcases, the apartment, the explanations, the building resentment of the kids.

I’m choosing Option 2. If my wife didn’t care or didn’t try, I would not have been able to choose Option 2. I do believe she still has narcissist traits and we will need to discuss those in counseling.

Here is my strongest recommendation for you, if you have children ---- if your spouse is willing to try, accept it and try to create something with them. Something different but that can last. Please do NOT tell your children you want a separation unless you truly believe it’s over. Unfortunately, I do think the advice that children are resilient is bogus – I know first hand it will impact them negatively. That’s reality.

If I hadn’t changed, become stronger, more independent, and deal with my co-dependancy then I would not be ready to try again. I’m different now. I’ve learned a lot. I would do some things differently. I hope this helps someone. I’m very sorry for what you are going through. You don’t deserve it, but your decisions are bigger than you, so take your time and be kind to yourself.

routerx, I wish you the best of luck, brother.

I was about 10yo when something seemingly drastic changed in my parents' relationship. I strongly suspect my father cheated on my mother--something my father won't discuss with me, to this day, because "it's very private."

Since that change, I wanted my parents to get divorced. It was perfectly clear to me how truly unhappy they were with each other. They separated for a while, got back together, then finally divorced after I graduated HS and enlisted in the Navy. I was happy that at last at least one of them would find happiness. My younger sister (by 2.5yrs) was devastated by their trial separation and divorced and carried that anger with her for decades.

Your kids, just like my sister and I, are reacting according their own personalities, beliefs, disposition and whatnot.

I wonder how my son will react? I don't think he's going to react very well. Maybe that's just fear talking, but there's something in the back of my head that keeps telling me that blowing up his world isn't going to make him too happy.

Has your wife agreed to stop romantic texting with other men?

"all of my thoughts floated back to doing what is best for them."

I had someone on SI tell me," What's best for you is what is best for the kids". It still goes through my head when I'm making a decision.

Thank you for this post. I'll take it to heart as I can.

I wonder if you elaborate some on a minor thing you said: how did she take advantage of you as an empath? What is the connection to her narcissist tendencies?

[This message edited by dogcopter at 1:47 PM, May 19th (Wednesday)]

My mom and dad argued when I was young. It's what couples do. It wasn't the arguments that affected me. It was the unhappiness, tension and discontent that followed that made me unhappy.

I wanted to feel happiness in the room and those that were in it set the tone, parents mainly. When I was in my teens, I saw my mom unhappy. I told her on many occasions to divorce my dad. I loved my dad. He was not abusive emotionally or physically.

I just saw the impact of his "dealings" had on my mom and her unhappiness. Turns out the majority of arguments were over finances. Still I'm sure I don't know everything.

I used to ask my dad and he would say it's not something he can talk about as I was too young. Of course, today I realize he could be referring to a number of things, infidelity included. I don't know nor does it matter necessarily for this topic.

I'm just reflecting on my thoughts as a kid and being unsettled when my parents argued and what I wanted was happiness in the air which could come from them being together or separate.

Of course I'd prefer them being happy together however but I grew to accept as a young adult that life apart and happy was a healthy option as well.

My best friend grew up in an unhappy 2-parent home and the affect on him and his sister is strikingly evident. He's analyzed and discussed this numerous times and as adults we can now see the connection to today.

In summary, take it all in but define a happy home as the parents being happy TOGETHER not separate. If parents have to separate and divorce to be happy it can work and work well as kids unknowingly respond to peace and happiness more than ANYTHING in my opinion.

Furthermore, I believe when many adults speak of coming from divorced parents, they actually may be speaking of the darkness and despair that's felt because of the unharmonious and possible highly contentious relationship between the parents and not necessarily the divorce it self.

Divorce often conjures up thoughts of hate, dislike, division and so forth. I've been in the room of long divorced couples and who are miraculously never within 5 feet of one another despite the room being small. This doesn't work well.

Reverse this scene with genuine smiles and friendliness and it offers kids thoughts and memories of love, happiness and being safe.

Thanks for all of the replies. I was writing from my reality which I know may not be the same for all.

The way I see it, I do believe it's possible for my wife and I to be happy together, so that's why I haven't given up hope. If I didn't believe that then I would not consider getting back together. It could be an example for the kids on how to survive the most difficult challenges.

She has stopped texting the guy and is embarrassed about it.

How did she take advantage of me as an empath?

When I caught her texting I blamed myself for being a poor husband and thought I needed to change to make things better and she.... agreed, it was my fault. That was a horrible thing for her to do.

I was wrecked and hurt by her actions and she was stone cold, not responding or helping me heal.

She took advantage of the fact I was an empath - I was trying to see things from her perspective INSTEAD of seeing things from MY perspective and ALLOWING HER TO TAKE IMPORTANT ACTIONS TO REGAIN MY TRUST.

I see change in her. I don't know where this is going, but I know if there is a sliver of hope for happiness, I want that for us all.

I will say I don't agree with the sentiment of what is best for me is best for the kids. My sister lived that way and her kids ended up a mess. They suffered from decisions that "made her happy". I do believe we sometimes have to sacrifice to do what is best for others and it may not be what we want to do, but what we need to do. Doing what is best for all, not just thyself. That's just a personal opinion. Not trying to convince anyone otherwise.

Thank you for explaining that. This is similar to my situation but I'm sure mine is BPD instead. I have been placing myself in her position and thinking "I would want another chance of I was in her shoes." This is all without evaluating what I would do in my shoes!

You have to do what you have to do. I'm so scared of what will happen to the kids through all of this. I get it and I agree with what you are saying. I'm sorry your kids are struggling to adapt.

One word of caution and I hope I phrase this right: all of this is contingent on her sticking to her word and you don't control that. You each hold a separate self destruct button that you can hit at any time to end the marriage. In a way, for her, this is the send button in her phone to AP. You can't shield the kids forever from the consequences of her hitting that button again. I did for a loooooong time but it eventually took a toll on my mental health and I can't shield the kids from the consequences of her actions anymore. Just be careful.

We all want to sacrifice for our kids, but there is a limit to how much damage you can take and still be a healthy dad that can show up for fatherhood. That's where the sentiment that what's good for you is good for them comes into play... Of course it can be taken to an unhealthy and selfish extreme, maybe like your sister. But in general, that saying is there to remind us we can only take a finite number of hits and we must also take care of ourselves.

[This message edited by dogcopter at 6:04 AM, May 20th (Thursday)]

Just wanted to add that therapy (with a good therapist) is actually really good for kids. If you reconcile and have a perfect happy marriage for the rest of time your kids have still weathered a fairly big life event and having support for processing that is really important.

It also normalizes counseling so when they inevitably have struggles in their lives and go through hard times they know that you go get help and there is no shame in that. Those skills will help them regardless.

And I believe the whats best for you is what is best for your kids is true for healthy adults. If you are chasing some high, abandoning your kids and thinking you are finding yourself and this is what is best for you, then clearly thats not best for your kids. But if you are a healthy and emotionally stable adult capable of making decisions with your wellbeing in mind then the two do align.

I tried to sacrifice myself for my kids for years. It did not end well and I hated the mom I was during that time. And accepting that they get this shit sandwich as much as I do is really horrible. I hate it. I wish I could have protected them but at some point I realized I couldn't and the best I can do is walk along side them and it will be hard but they will be okay.

This post reads more like someone who is trying to convince themselves that they did the right thing by staying married then a strong defense of reconciliation.

Generally speaking, I think people who are married but and have children do owe it to their kids to try to keep their families intact.... so long as they have respect for one another and plenty of humility. I don’t believe the common refrain that children are resilient... but adults are supposedly fragile and therefore their comfort is paramount.

But just as I would never tell a battered spouse that they need to stay together for the kids, I would never advise a spouse who is being mentally and emotionally abused by their spouse’s affair or lack of remorse to stay out of a sense of duty. First and foremost, they would be setting a horrible example to their kids. Second, I don’t think it’s healthy for kids to grow up in such a tense and toxic environment. Lastly, a parent that is constantly worrying about where their cheating spouse is, who they are communicating with, and how they are spending their money outside the marriage is spending time and energy that would better focused on their kids.

If your wife is committed to reforming herself and you are able to achieve long-term peace and harmony, then great! But don’t think that you are doing yourself or your kids a favor by sacrificing yourself on the alter of a woman with a personality disorder who is only capable of feeling sorry for herself and not for any pain she has caused you.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:45 PM, May 21st (Friday)]