SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been with my now husband for 6 years, since high school. We have always had infidelity issues as in I’ve caught him talking to women in an inappropriate manner. It began when we first started dating and I thought it was just high school behavior. While I’ve never had proof of him ever being with a woman or ever coming near one. I’ve always found him texting or snapchatting one. He has always been good to me, he is not abusive and he always made me feel loved other than when I would check his phone and find out. He tells me he loves me everyday. The talking to women has happened atleast once or twice a year. And we would work through and I’d think it was over and 6-12 months later it would happen again, again with no proof of him ever meeting with a woman just texts and Snapchat’s of him calling women beautiful and he wanted to have intercourse with them but nothing more. Fast forward 6 years, we have 2 toddlers. After my 2nd child, a week postpartum I found him trying to meet with multiple escorts but again with no proof of him ever meeting one. He works 7 days a week which is proven since it’s a family business and it is all on camera when he shows up to work. We worked through it and it was extremely hard and I thought it was over, that was early 2020. Now in November of 2021 I found him trying to meet up with an escort again and flirty messages again with no proof of ever meeting and he claims he never has. He is the best father and provides us with everything we need and more. It’s always a surprise when I find out because there are no signs of him cheating just a paranoid me checking ever so often. I’m now pregnant again and we conceived before it was known that he was talking to women once again. He wants to now go to couples therapy and I now have his location 24/7 offered by him. And he says he loves me and he wants to work through it and be together for the rest of our lives but he claims he gets these sexual urges through out the day and reacts by messaging women and escorts. I don’t know what to do anymore and anybody could clearly tell this is a pattern. Any opinions on the situation would be appreciated.

I’m so sorry for you. The pattern has been clearly set. Since High School he has been doing this b/c he knows there are no consequences. You continue to try to work through the issues and yet he will not stop.

He is cheating. Maybe not physically (though who really knows) but he is emotionally cheating by engaging in disrespectful behavior. He knows it’s wrong yet he does it anyway.

NOW is the time to demand some changes. If he cannot get his addiction to this behavior under control, then you either have to accept it or separate or Divorce.

You need your own counselor. So does he. He may need to be honest if he has an addiction type behavioral pattern or is addicted to porn or something. Once you know what you are dealing with you can maker some informed decisions.

You need a counselor to help you navigate this issue. Make sure you find someone who is experienced with this type of issue. Please know NOTHING you say or do or don’t say or don’t do is the cause of his cheating.

His words mean nothing. He continues to make promises but yet doesn’t keep to his word. The only thing you can trust are his actions. And right now he is striking out b/c you continue to catch him.

Best of luck to you and sorry you are facing this. You deserve better.

He needs IC (individual counseling) to fix his issues. Your M (marriage) didn't fail, he did.

Be sure to read in The Healing Library - there is a list of acronyms. Also, there are some pinned posts at the top of the page that you may find helpful.

Hi, welcome to SI.

I think you hit the nail on the head, he has a pattern of cheating and nothing that he has done to stop it has worked. Lather, rinse, repeat.

He's been cheating your entire relationship, if not physically (which I would question) but at least emotionally.

Your husband needs some intense therapy to figure out why he continues to have these affairs. If he doesn't, this is going to be your life moving forward, always being vigilant, always having to check up on him, always wondering. Despite him working seven days a week, when there's a will, there's a way and those urges will eventually get stronger and he will meet up with someone if he hasn't already. Keep in mind cheaters lie and deny so his words are meaningless.

In the meantime, I would advise you to get tested for STDs just in case and find a good counselor for yourself to help you process the constant trauma he is inflicting on you.

Do you have trusted family or friends who you can lean on?

BTW, good fathers do not cheat and put their children's stability in jeopardy.

Huge hugs.....

Please find a TED talk done by Paula Hall about sex addiction.

he is not abusive

Infidelity is a form of extreme abuse.

He is the best father

Oh, sweetheart. He is not a good father. A good father doesn't risk his children's family,their happiness, and sense of security, by being unfaithful. He doesn't constantly destroy the mother of his children, by cheating on her. He doesn't risk the life of his children's mother, by exposing her to deadly stds.

You only know what you've found. There's been plenty you probably haven't found. The chance that he hasn't cheated physically, is very small. Of course,he says he hasnt, but he's a liar. You know that.

He's a serial cheater,who thinks MC is going to solve things. He is the one with the problem. Not the marriage.

This is who he is. Nothing will change until you've decided you,and your children, deserve more.

There's more for you to find out here about yourself than him.

He's shown clearly what he is (though you don't have years under your belt for the needed perspective).

Understanding why you rationalize his disrespect and poor character is a long path for you to walk.

[This message edited by UpArrow at 7:32 PM, Tuesday, January 18th]

Change is hard, and the bottom line is that getting it accomplished needs to be the most important thing in the cheater's world. He needs to be so sick of himself and living the way he is that he'll do anything to not be that guy anymore. Marriage counseling won't accomplish that. In fact, all too often the MC makes is worse by looking for ways to share the blame. But marriages don't cheat. People do. People who have a flaw in their character, a gap between their stated values and actual deeds. People without appropriate boundaries... and without integrity. Bear in mind that integrity is all about what we do when no one else is looking. What your WH does... is contact hookers.

Is he proud of that behavior? Has he told his mom what he does behind your back? Has he told his grandma how he's destroying his young family? I suspect he sits around thinking that he hasn't actually done anything so it's not that big of a deal, but does he understand how this behavior escalates? Do you?

There's a biochemical reward to the brain for this kind of risk-taking, sexualized behavior. The cheater makes a text or a phone call and gets a little thrill of adrenaline and dopamine, etc. Bigger risks, bigger rewards. Once actual sex is involved, you can add cuddle hormones like oxytocin to the mix, leading to pair-bonding in the affair couple and/or cementing the behavior. All in all, it becomes addictive behavior. It works like cocaine. It's not the substance which makes you high. It's the way it commands your body to release feel-good biochemicals. This type of cheater tends to escalate the behavior in order to get more and more, and it's not until he's hit rock bottom that he's going to want to stop.

Of course, you're crazy invested at this point with two toddlers and a baby on the way. But this guy is on track to give you a social disease as things stand today, if not worse. That little biochemical pick-me-up isn't going to carry him through every hardship this life has to offer. He's going to want a bigger "hit" and that's what causes the behavior to escalate.

My advice to you would be to insist on real, meaningful change. He needs "rock bottom" or at least the appearance of it. He'd need to do IC (individual counseling), preferably with a CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapist). Yup... sex addict therapy. And I wouldn't be his quiet little secret-keeper either. He needs to tell his important people, parents, siblings, friends, grandparents, or whoever he relies on that he needs help and accountability. His addiction operates in the shadows where people can't see. Drag it out into the light. MAKE him stand for what he wants in life. If he wants you and those babies, he needs to be the man he once convinced you he was. And if he doesn't... well, you have the right to move on to someone who values you enough to keep his integrity intact.

Remember that you DESERVE the man he promised you... not the social disease he's going to inevitably bring home on his present course. Don't settle for less.

((big hugs))

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:50 PM, Tuesday, January 18th]

Escorts don't waste their time sexting. They're in it for the money. Just because you don't have photographic evidence that he met up with one,doesn't mean he didn't.

Minaone, others have chimed in here, but I wanted to give you a man's perspective.

I've been faithful to my wife since we began dating when I was 22 years old. That was back in 1993, but I can assure you that young people were quite sexually active back then. It wasn't halcyon days and virginal chaste dating with chaperones. This was the same year Pulp Fiction came out in theaters.

Anyway, I never strayed, never flirted with another woman, never developed anything that could have been described as an emotional affair (unless you count a brief texting flirtation with another woman 3 years after my WW's affair and after my WW had failed a polygraph).

All that to say: I never felt this was a burden for me. I was married to a beautiful woman, I loved her, I was attracted to her, we had great sex. I'm also a good looking man with a good physique, money, and a good career. I'm not rocking a dad bod, so it's not as if I would be unable to talk another woman into the sack if I wanted to.

I didn't feel the need to seek out other women for sex or anything else. Men get sexual thoughts and urges all day, every day. The number is very high, and I can attest it remains very high for a man in his 50s.

And? So? By this logic, I suppose men could say they just have to act out those urges with as many women as possible. Would any human system -- small tribe or larger society -- work at all if this were the case? No, of course not.

Your husband is being a bullshitter.

He's also, frankly, a terrible father. No good man, no good father, would shit all over his family the way your husband has. He's acting like a 13 year old boy who just discovered masturbation. It's the reasoning and behavior of a boy.

It's really actually offensive as a man to hear another man talk this way, even, or especially, a young man. He needs to buck up, grow up, and stop trying to lay his shitty irresponsible choices at the feet of his gonads.

Are any of your children girls? Can your husband honestly say with a straight face he would want your daughter(s) to be treated the way he is treating you, or the way he treats the other women he seeks out for a quick lay?

There's not something engrained in men that makes a man seek out another woman outside of his marriage (in fact, if anything, science suggest monogamy is the NORM in human functioning, not some social construct forced on us).

There's nothing you've done to make your husband this way.

It's all on him as an individual.

Period.

Full stop.

Now, you're also dealing with a sexual addict and a serial cheater. Really bad combination. Serial cheaters are notoriously difficult to reconcile with. You need to know that.

Couples counseling usually only works before infidelity takes place -- or only after a wayward spouse has spent a lot of time working on themselves. Otherwise, a couples counseling scenario is likely to devolve into a push to make you rugsweep or take the blame for your husband's shitty behavior onto your shoulders.

Don't do that.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:28 PM, Tuesday, January 18th]

Why are we labeling this man a sex addict?

Because he says he gets sexual urges and contacts escorts?

He could just be an average serial cheater, who cheats because he can,and has told his wife these lies, because..cheater.

Until he is diagnosed by a CSAT, I don't think we should give this man a diagnosis.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:11 PM, Wednesday, January 19th]

What choices does she have? Sex addiction, narcissism, or a combination of both, unable to love…….. The reason I mentioned SA is because that is what it appeared to be. It’s something. Loving, caring husbands and fathers don’t act like this.

No. But cheaters do act like this.

What choice does she have? Well,finding out the truth would be a start. Then facing that truth.

Just because a man is a serial cheater doesn't mean he is a sex addict.

And many BS seem somewhat relieved to find out their cheater is a sex addict. Then they have a reason to excuse him. Poor muffin can't help himself, he has a disease!

All we know is this man has cheated on her for years. That's it. What we also know for sure,is that all cheaters lie. Taking his one comment,about having sexual urges, and turning it into a SA diagnosis is unhelpful. Until a CSAT has diagnosed him,let's not give him an excuse for his behaviour.

I'm really sorry you've going through this.

We can also deduce that the couple are in their mid-20s, when their brains are in the final stages of maturing.

Minaone,

I recommend 2 threads to you:

1) https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/586809/beyond-regret-and-remorse/
2) https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/

These thread talk about the behavior you'll want to see from your H.

I can't diagnose your H. IMO, he probably feels some sort of hole within him, and he's looking for someone else to fill it. That won't work - he needs to learn to fill it himself. If he does that, he'll be a good partner for someone he loves. If he doesn't learn to fill the hole himself, he'll probably continue to seek external validation, and he'll probably escalate his cheating.

OTOH, maybe his cheating is simply due to an immature brain, and he'll change his behavior simply by growing up; maybe it's due to narcissism; maybe it's due to ???

But the source of his behavior is much less important than what he does about it. No matter what the source, he can change from betrayer to good partner. If he does, great - R is possible, if you want it. If he doesn't make that change, I doubt that you'll be happy M to him.

I expect you're full of fear, grief, anger, and shame. Take my word for this: you can process those feeling out of your body, survive infidelity, and thrive. I just don't know if your best path to thriving is R or D, but have faith in yourself to figure out which path to take and to heal.

*****

I met W2b shortly after I turned 21; we've been together since 1965. I haven't dated anyone else since we committed to each other in early 1967.

I've had sexual urges throughout the day ever since puberty, and I'm very happy about that. After I fell for my W, those thoughts were directed at W2b. I've been a road warrior, so I had many opportunities to cheat, paid and no $ cost, every week I was on the road. I 0nce developed a crush on a classmate during a 14 week class, but the instant I saw my W, I realized the crush was due to loneliness. I never cheated.

The sexual urges are pretty common among human beings. They don't make a person cheat. Your H filters his urges through some sort of thought process, and I'd start there to solve his problem - but he's the only one who can do the necessary work. You can't fix him.

If you do CC, be critical of the CC's approach. If they start with communication problems, stop. His cheating is the problem you want solved, and a good CC will start there rather than fit you into a process.

If the CC blames the A on M problems, stop. As described above (by me and others), your H failed; your M didn't; you didn't.

If the CC works with you on your feelings and asks your H to take responsibility for his actions, you might have a winner. If the CC says your H needs IC to change from cheater to good partner, you do have a winner.

If he is setting up therapy and giving location information, you can give that a shot. I think he should start with individual therapy because he has these issues, not the marriage. Marriage counseling is for strengthening the marriage and opening communication. This is first his issue. He needs to find its source and then maybe bring that to marriage counseling.
Does that sound like a decent approach. You are young and have a young child, so divorce would have a smaller impact, but finding a guy willing to go to counseling and give up freedom. We have a hard time getting wayward spouses to do half of that.

I am so sorry you are here and have this difficulty ahead. I am so sorry that your husband has caused you pain throughout your marriage. I am glad that he has agreed to counseling, but he definitely needs to do this on his own. You have to treat this cheating as physical cheating (which possibly may have happened). He needs to make you feel safe. This can start by you having all access to his phone. He needs to delete social media accounts and you need to have access to his email and his phone and other accounts at any time. I know this sounds rough, but it needs to be done. He needs to show you that you are the most important. My husband still does not have a FB account or any social media accounts since his infidelity 10 years ago. It was one of the rules that was set into place. He has never had one since. His phone is on the counter and stays out in plain site when he is home. It is just one of the ways that helps to make me feel safe. I no longer need this anymore, but I see that it is still given to me. I hope he can turn this around. In the meantime, pray for your marriage and your family. I will do the same. God Bless.

I think that counseling would benefit both of you. Congratulations on the pregnancy! Babies are such a blessing. It's important to have a healthy spouse that is committed to you, and he needs to quit talking to other women. It's not healthy. Hugs to you.