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I’ve been reading a lot about limerence but I still don’t really understand.

On DD, WH admitted he developed feelings for AP.
AP sent me the screenshots of their msgs. WH had nothing on his phone- he admitted he deleted every msg as soon as he sent it.

He had sent her text msgs saying "I love you X" (insert her name). One msg said "every second I get to spend with you, I fall more and more in love".

When I asked him about the words he had written, he said he doesn’t know if it was really love or if he was just caught up in everything. He says he was confused. The A was 3 years.

Is this limerence? Or do you think it was true love?

From what I have read limerence does not last that long. But everyone is different.

It's kind of similar to infatuation. It's the adult version of having an intense crush on somebody. There's more to it, but that definition will give you an idea.

I'm not seeing limerence here. Limerence is supposed to be more obsessive and destructive. The limerent person will give up anything, marriage, home, children, job to be with the object of their desire.

The thing that fuels limerence is obstacles between the two people. It could be distance, marriage, social standing, parents, things like that. Your WH may have been limerent earlier in the A, but the urgency to be together likely would have worn off once it was routine to do things together.

I don't know the situation well enough to know if he felt true love and maybe he doesn't know either.

It may have been habit. Exciting and thrilling at first and then habit and inertia takes over. I'm not saying he didn't develop feelings for her, maybe even deep feelings, but he would have known at DDay if he was going to leave you for her.

However. All too soon they wait until things cool down before starting up again with the AP. Either he dumps her forever now, or he plans to keep it going at some point in the future.

The thing that often brings affair partners back together is the overwhelming need to know "how the other is doing."

I hope that doesn't happen because those "off and on", "break up to make up" affairs really gain traction and can become impossible to extricate oneself from.

She knew it was over then, because your H told her to her face that he was choosing you over her. That's why she used the last desperate tool she had left. She was left with no options but to get you to throw your husband out.

What she said to you, and how vicious it was, showed her loss and desperation. "From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee."

I don't know if it was true love or just feelings, maybe deep feelings on his part, maybe it was just an escape; but it's over now. Those feelings will fade and her bitter little attack on you should disgust your WH.

You are the future and I hope you find strength and peace.

Seems like emotional (teenage) immaturity with a lot of need for attention and probably enjoys manipulating others . My WH googled his and her zodiacs incessantly and asked google if he was in love. Lol not trying to make light of this, it is horrible. Kinda of scary that a WH quickly falls "in love." Thinking maybe he has been like that his whole relationship life? Limerance is more aggressive and obsessive. And of course "confused" typical response from an immature disloyal and disrespectful WH.

Those feelings will fade and her bitter little attack on you should disgust your WH

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That’s exactly what has happened. He said the way she handled the whole situation (calling my phone many times and sending messages and photos) absolutely disgusted him. He was horrified at the type of person she obv is to do that to me.

Another thing that happened that I haven’t shared is that she sent her friend to our house to confront WH and make sure I know every detail. She obv didn’t have the nerve to confront me F2F herself.

The worst part about it is that our 2 sons (18 and 13) heard everything. She was shouting at our front door (I didn’t let her in our house)- I wouldn’t be surprised if the neighbours heard everything too.

That brought a whole other level to all of this because we were trying to spare our boys the sordid details.

I just hate this whole situation so much.

I think it's time to get a restraining order against her. I don't think she's done yet.

She divorced her H for yours, correct? I predict a hospital/health scare or a threat of self harm in the near future.

Did the friend who showed up at your house work with them?

It never ceases to amaze me how absolutely destructive affairs are.

No wonder infidelity has been almost universally condemned through the ages as a mortal offense or sin.

Anyway, your husband sounds like he was in something less than limerence. Most probably not "True Love". If it was True Love he would have run off by now and, he wouldn’t know if he was in true love until after many years, trials and tribulations have passed and adequately tested his love’s resolve. To me, true love is similar to the love we have for our children. It’s everlasting and unconditional and…reconcilable.

A better question would be, what kind of love does he have for you. His efforts to fix this mess will put that to the test.

I believe that a WS who successfully saves their marriage and rehabilitates their betrayed spouse via genuine reconciliation, is a superstar. Because that is no small feat. It takes tremendous resolve and loving patience in an almost selfless crusade with no promise of success. If a WS can pull that off, than I could dare to say that their love is proven true.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:15 AM, Monday, February 14th]

She divorced her H for yours, correct? I predict a hospital/health scare or a threat of self harm in the near future.
Did the friend who showed up at your house work with them?

Ariopolis-
She hasn’t officially divorced her husband but she left him when things started up with my H.

The friend used to work with them, yes. She was fired about 18 mths ago for drinking on the job and causing problems in the company. She claimed she didn’t come to our house to cause any problems, she just wanted to make sure I was aware of everything that had been going on and for how long. She didn’t like that I didn’t invite her inside and actually suggested we go grab a coffee so we could talk !?!?!?

So the OW doesn’t like feeling like a used piece of trash? So she shows up at your home to "help you to understand" their "love" affair.

Funny how righteous the AP becomes when dumped.

Is it love? During the affair to some degree I believe it is. The OW gets treated better. The IW becomes the priority. The OW is first in terms of relationships.

Is it a false love? Yes. It’s built on lies. It’s a fantasy.

This is from one screen to another screen. What I can read and think is possible is that your husband was looking for something and there she was. She sounds damaged in some capacity. You do not show up at someone else’s house and make a fool of yourself and then expect to be invited inside. That’s delusional thinking. Your husband was just the average cheater and would have continued on but his AP is an idiot so it was a sure bet she was going to do something.
Be on the lookout because he had fun and he might decide it was worth it to do again. He will make many promises. They all do. He needs to be completely transparent 24 hours a day.

It was a friend of the OW who showed up at their house. Not the OW herself. I think people missed this.

By sending her friend, it becomes more apparent that contacting you was her last hope. All that's left for her is an illness/accident/fake suicide attempt meant to draw your H to her.

I hope you are getting a restraining order. She's out of control. I didn't know she called you many times.

From what I have read limerence does not last that long. But everyone is different.

Limerance can absolutely last that long in the bubble of an affair. There's no reality in the relationship so the rose coloured glasses stay on for much longer than they would in a normal relationship.

In the poly community, they say NRE is about 6 months to 2 years. For cheaters who don't have to deal with normal relationship issues, it can be quite a bit longer depending on how little they actually saw each other.

In the poly community, they say NRE is about 6 months to 2 years.

Sorry, what is NRE?

I hope you are getting a restraining order. She's out of control. I didn't know she called you many times.

Ariopolis-

WH thinks she won’t bother us anymore. We haven’t had any more contact since the day her friend came over (which was 2 days after DDay).
If she tries anything again I will def look into a restraining order.

AP called me four times that day, including once through Facebook after I blocked her number on my phone. I only answered her once. She also sent me screenshots of some of their msgs and some photos which was another 6 messages.

NRE is New Relationship Energy.