SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My H and I just got back from an AWESOME vacation...and I can honestly say that it was FUN...but there is NO place like HOME !!

I looked in every now and then on this wonderful site...and those words..."shit sandwich" kept popping up on different posts on here. I never did like that phrase...or even the thought of having to EAT that...just YUCK !! I apologize for not remembering the exact threads that these words showed up in...but I noticed a distinction in how those words were used. It seemed to me that the people writing about having to EAT the shit sandwich were people who were NOT in R. They either stayed in the M for other reasons...or they were D.

I also seem to remember people who were in R who stated that they didn't eat ANY shit sandwich. That is how I feel. I truly feel that I got shit ON when my H confessed to his A...but there was NO WAY I was going to EAT any of it!! It was my H who piled that stinky...sticky...putrid NASTY on our M. If anyone was going to HAVE to eat it...it would be HIM!! However...like someone's tagline says on here...shit can be cleaned up . NO ONE HAS TO EAT IT. That is MY perspective anyway .

I often write about how things are all about perspective. So I am wondering...for those who feel they have had to EAT a shit sandwich...what is YOUR perspective on that? WHY do you feel you HAD to eat it in order to R? Are you in R?

For those who feel like I do...what is YOUR perspective? WHY do you feel there was NO shit sandwich you ate when you decided to R? Are you in R?

I'm on va(stay)cation, too, but my visiting son is ill.

I wrote about this metaphor recently. Want2B, you and I have different writing styles( ) and don't always agree, but we agree on this.

I always thought I married up. My W did things I only wish I could do, and I always thought she'd find someone better than me some day, and I'd be abandoned.

In the few years before d-day, I saw that I did things she only wished she could do and that I was a top notch H, especially for her. On and after d-day, I decided/realized that I was a great H for her and that, with all our weaknesses, we were a great match for each other.

For me, the real why for her cheating was her totally undeserved self-hate. She saw herself as a horrible, unredeemable person. The world was treating her as if she were a good person, so she showed us who she really thought she was - she cheated in an especially harmful way. I always saw some of that darkness in her, but I didn't realize its depth. I felt very sad and perhaps some anger at myself for not seeing it, but I knew I had done my best.

IOW, I saw her A as a symptom of something like an illness. I knew I could leave, but I also knew I had vowed, though not in so many words, to stay through illness. Besides, we were both better people with each other than alone, and I still lusted for her.

I took no responsibility for her A. I hoped she would cure herself, but I knew there wasn't much I could do for her - this was work she had to do for herself. On d-day, I knew the A just wasn't about me.

I adopted the 'shit sandwich' metaphor in some early posts, but I really don't see it as useful for understanding R or infidelity.

The metaphor may have some use if one stays only because of kids or finances, but I wouldn't call that R.

I'm not saying it's wrong to apply the metaphor to R. I'm just saying if you think you have to eat shit to R, I think you'll have a very hard time.

Remember: neither D nor R are useful goals after a d-day. The most useful goal is to arrive at the decision via taking responsibility for oneself and making the best mindful choice one can.

In reading this post, note that everything that isn't sharing my experience and thought process is just plain opinion. It's my honest opinion, but that's all.

I think it can simply be a matter of perspective, or an exercise in semantics — but for me — it has always been about knowing I have a choice in regard to how I feel.

In that sense, I totally understand the metaphor.

Trauma, anger, sadness, pain, and a complete evaluation of our self-worth are a lot of horrible things to process in the first days, months and YEARS of betrayal.

But I ain’t ever had a bite of no "shit" sandwich.

Not one.

Not ever.

I am not my wife’s horrible choices.

Whether we R or D, we all have to heal one way or the other, and that goes with all the other horrible things that happen to us in life.

We get back up.

I’m far stronger than I thought I was.

I had the power to choose my path forward.

I chose R. It was as difficult as anything I’ve had to tackle, emotionally, in my 5.5 decades on earth.

But I like conquering adversity. I like knowing there isn’t anything I can’t overcome.

I can wish all day it didn’t happen, and it does me no good. It’s a huge waste of time wishing my life was different. I get to choose every morning I wake up how my life will be TODAY.

I love the power and freedom of choosing each day.

More adversity is likely on the way and maybe it will be better or worse than infidelity, but it does NOT matter, because I know I will get to the other side of whatever it is.

I wrote about this metaphor recently. Want2B, you and I have different writing styles( ) and don't always agree, but we agree on this.

It would be so boring if we all agreed to everything . I very much respect your take on things sisoon...it always gives me pause to think !

I'm not saying it's wrong to apply the metaphor to R. I'm just saying if you think you have to eat shit to R, I think you'll have a very hard time.

I agree. I can't imagine going ALL IN for R if a person feels they have to do something that is as disgusting as eating a "shit sandwich".

I can wish all day it didn’t happen, and it does me no good.

You are so correct Oldwounds. At first though...it was ALL I could think of...that I WISHED there was another explanation. With my H being overseas during his A...it was a surreal statement because I saw nothing...so surely THIS didn't happen!! But...it did . Once I got my bearings though...I set forth on a path of healing and R. Like you...I have always felt there was nothing I couldn't overcome. THIS trauma threw me for a loop...but I got back up and am back on track .

I love reading the positivity that some of you have been able to achieve. I truly hope I can get there someday, but right now, I feel like the sandwich is still on the menu almost everyday. Five months after D-day, I'm trying my hardest to adopt the attitude of "I can't change the past, it happened, I can only focus on the future." My IC has been drilling this into my head for over a month. Some days, I can do this. On other days, like just yesterday, my mind gets flooded, my progress goes down the toilet and the shit sandwich is in front of me on a silver platter. Meanwhile, WH is sitting across the room celebrating Taco Tuesday and eating a nice, big fluffy piece of cake. At least that's how it feels sometimes.

Someone on here warned me that after the initial shock wears off, I might go through a phase of extreme anger. Well, I think I've arrived at that point. I'm suddenly ruminating on the fact that he screwed and dated this awful woman while casting me aside for two entire years. I was lied to, betrayed, made to feel like I was crazy, told I was being suspicious and untrusting. My ultimate downfall was being too trusting. I had a strong feeling that something wasn't right, but I trusted that he wouldn't go so far as to have a sexual affair behind my back and, perhaps worst of all, to sneak her into our home when I was out. It's such a huge betrayal that cuts down to my soul. My home, my safe place, my sanctuary, the place I decorated and organized, the place I strive to keep clean and comfortable for our family has been soiled. We bought this house only 3 years ago. This was supposed to be the place where we eventually spend our retirement and enjoy everything we've worked for all our lives. Now she's been here, screwing my husband, giving him blow jobs and cleaning up her stench in the bathroom that my precious children use to shower and brush their teeth. WH apologizes and says, "I'm sorry. I realize that's the worst thing I could have done. I was being selfish and I should never had let her into our home. I'm so, so sorry." OK, that's nice. You're sorry. But it doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't change the fact that I can no longer feel 100% safe in my home, and that Uber Eat drives up every day, right on schedule to deliver my daily shit sandwich. I have to swallow it while he eats his gourmet meals and the ever-present cake.

Again, I hope I can get to a certain level of positivity, but this is where I am today. I wanted to give my account of the "shit-sandwich." Of course I don't want to eat it, but I feel like it was handed to me and I have no choice. I didn't get a vote when he decided to betray me in the worst way. I didn't get a vote about who entered my house when I was out. My agency was stolen. Yes, I know I now have the choice to take it back and I'm trying. It's just hard to look at his face and not think about all the ways he betrayed me and tossed me into the gutter while he got his d*** sucked in my house.

Very good comments above from my favorite R contributors. I used the metaphor early on in R because of my anger. I really believe she shit on me and the family. I’ve had to do a lot of work in my healing but it’s not shit, it’s improvement. I like the Tanner v2.0 the Tanner wouldn’t eat shit, because the new Tanner doesn’t take any shit 😀

With that said my W has been solid in R for over 2 years. I’m proud of her growth also. I say this often, I’ve known my W over 2/3 of her life, over 3 decades. I know her better than any other person on earth. She is still one of best people I know, she really had major issues that allowed her to fall as far as she did, but that wasn’t her, and the day her eyes returned, I knew she was back and R was a very good possibility.

Thanks for starting this discussion.

It's a metaphor. It's not used totally consistently.

The shit sandwich is an unpleasant situation that has to be processed. In this case, it's the A, and if you want to R, you have to process the A and the damage it has caused. You cannot pretend the A hasn't happened. There is no time machine to go back to before the A happened. You can choose divorce, and perhaps then avoid processing all the unpleasantness of the A.

If you are going to get to R, you have to process the unpleasantness. You might not have to "eat the sandwich" if that bothers you metaphorically. But you definitely need to do something with the unpleasantness other than rugsweeping, white knuckling, or otherwise ignoring it.

FireandWater -

You’re still very, very early in the nightmare phase post discovery.

Don’t pressure yourself one single bit to put the past in the past.

Not yet!

Process it best you can first, then you can worry about perspective.

Someone on here warned me that after the initial shock wears off, I might go through a phase of extreme anger.

It is well earned anger. Feel it, vent it. Climb a mountain and yell at the entire world.

The injustice of it all is overwhelming for quite a while, or it was for me.

My perspective now is entering year seven. It takes a while to be able to put the past in the past, in a healthy way. A bit early for an IC to force perspective when you are still trying to understand what happened to you and why. Your reality was NOT reality. It takes TIME to put the puzzle back together to understand what your life really was.

Be kind to YOU.

Take it slow.

Process every bit of that anger and sadness and look to see if you have a WS who can be a SAFE partner and how they are showing those changes to BE safe.

I brought this term up in another thread. The very description of shit sandwich I get is something that puts people off. But I think the metaphor is simply stating that you have to accept what is really the unacceptable or that you got screwed over. An example is a golfer that hit the perfect shot into the green, but somehow instead of stopping a foot from the hole, it hits the flagpole and careens into the water. Hitting the flagpole from a hundred yards out is really out of the golfers hands. Much like having a spouse have sex with someone else.

The very best golfers get pissed for probably 10 seconds, then accept it happened and go on to hit the next shot. They take their medicine and move on. But they were certainly served a shit sandwich with the first shot.

The people that really go on to have a great relationship after an affair, don’t get over it in 10 seconds, but at some point with hard work and support of their WS, accept it happened (they never have to like it) and they don’t let it stand in the way of the next shot which is a good marriage for hopefully the rest of their lives.

The posters above, who I all respect, choose not to call it a shit sandwich. I get that. Their is probably a much nicer way of describing it, but at some point they still have to come to acceptance that it happened and their spouse screwed them over. By having the affair, and sending their lives into turmoil for probably 3-5 years.

I just never could get to acceptance. Of course I’m the golfer that if I hit the pin and the ball went into the water stews about it for 4 or 5 holes and shoots a crappy score. I’m also divorced with a kind of broken family and the above posters are in happy relationships.

For me the ‘shit sandwich’ was a metaphor for swallowing down the dreadful ‘shame’ of staying with someone who caused that much pain, it was having to reconcile who you believed you were to someone you now chose to be. Swallowing down the way you believed the world would perceive you for staying. In a way a form of self flagellation.

I absolutely refused to swallow this.

I’m not going to accept shame for my husband’s shitty choices and for his crappy selfish and entitled behaviour (I’d been through enough it was time to be kind to myself). I wasn’t going to give a damn about what the world thought of my decision to stay with him.

I live one life, we all do, and we all need to navigate it in a way that brings us the most joy and the least pain to others.

The shit sandwich can stay on the plate!

The "shit sandwich" is an apt metaphor for unacceptable and intolerable things that are completely out of our control that we have to accept--whether we R or D-- in the wake of Dday.

As someone who got divorced, I had come to terms with the fact that the man I loved didn't love me, would never be faithful to me, and didn't want to remain married to me unless I let him do whatever he wanted. I was forced to make a decision--divorce-- that went against my deeply held religious beliefs and my heart's desire. That was my shit sandwich.

There are many other people with children who have to choose between remaining an unhappy marriage with an unremorseful spouse... or destabilizing their kids lives and not getting to see them every day. That's their shit sandwich, whether they R or D.

And as for people who successfully reconcile, in order to reach that point, they have to accept the injustice of their situation, cope with triggers, and learn to live with never having the same unequivocal trust and sense of security that they did before the affair. That's their shit sandwich.

The waywards, of course, have their own shit sandwiches if they want to reconcile with their spouses or become better people after they divorce. The only difference is that they ordered them.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:19 PM, Friday, August 12th]

I dont really like the term shit sandwich. My W put my home, health, finances, and everything I have worked for over the last 15 years in jeopardy. Weather I chose R or D that’s reality, what ever you call it there’s no getting around it.

I wanted to give my account of the "shit-sandwich."

Thank you for doing that FireandWater . Honestly Dear Lady...I was pretty much in the same RAW pain as you are in now...and didn't have a CLUE how I was going to be able to ever get back to where I was before my world as I knew it was destroyed. I am so sad that you are having to go through this (((HUGS))).

I also can honestly say that I AM very happily in R . Every situation is different...and all of us heal at our own pace. For ME...it took 7 years. But it was a gradual healing and that very PAINFUL trauma eased up a bit every day. The anger phase scared me!! I have never been a person to display anger before...but I just let it GO...and MAN...I never knew I could CURSE like that!!! I did a lot of research about it and learned that anger is a secondary emotion...brought on by a primary emotion such as guilt...hurt...etc. Once I found what the primary emotion was...and focused on healing from that...the anger subsided a LOT .

Being betrayed in your own house...that has been a HUGE issue for a lot of people. That just adds another layer onto the trauma . Some have repainted...refurnished...and even sold the house...but it seems that this CAN be something that can be taken back...or as I like to say...OWNED .

You might want to look at that taco and cake your WH is happily eating NOW. If he isn't atoning for what he did...this "taco" and "cake" will rot his stomach out and he will suffer much more in the future. YOU in the meantime...seem to be dealing with things as they come...and healing. It may not seem like much now...but keep moving forward Dear Lady...and one FINE day you will wake up...and find yourself SMILING .

she really had major issues that allowed her to fall as far as she did

This is a very good point Tanner. I used to see my H as a true HERO...the man was AMAZING . Then he had an A...and I realized he wasn't as STRONG as I thought he was. In fact...I was the stronger one !! I knew he had issues...we all do. But when I quit seeing him as the "enemy" after his A...and started seeing him as a man who had his flaws...mercy happened . He took the mercy I gave him and became a BETTER man for it...much better than the person I used to THINK he was! I saw sisoon write something similar on here...and Oldwounds had indicated this too. Maybe it isn't ONLY that we don't feel we have to EAT a shit sandwich...but we also see our WS as something MORE than this betrayal they did? Interesting. Thanks for giving me something to think about Coozann .

The shit sandwich is an unpleasant situation that has to be processed.

Thank you for your perspective This0is0Fine . I have never seen that phrase used anywhere else...so I felt it was just in the case of infidelity...not in every unpleasant situation. I've often read on here where BS's write about how a BS would HAVE to eat the "shit sandwich" if they went for R with their WS. To ME...that meant that in order to NOT eat it...they could go for D. That has not been the case in MY situation for THIS M. I do believe I ate that "shit sandwich" when I did the "pick me dance" after I caught my 1st H cheating on me. I CHOSE to not set boundaries...I settled...and I ended up catching him cheating on me again . I was NEVER going to do THAT again!!

you definitely need to do something with the unpleasantness other than rugsweeping, white knuckling, or otherwise ignoring it.

I agree wholeheartedly with THIS!!! Maybe though...it is the process that is looked at differently? I can only speak for ME...but instead of looking at the process of healing from the betrayal in a negative light like eating a shit sandwich...I looked at it in a more positive light. To ME...my H burned our "house"...our M...to the ground...with me in it. I escaped...we had scars...but we survived . The "house" was destroyed...but we could rebuild a bigger...BETTER one .

waitedwaytoolong...I seem to remember seeing your username recently...so maybe it was your post that got me to thinking about this . I apologize for not giving you and sisoon credit for this thread...but y'all get it NOW !

I just never could get to acceptance.

I never could either. I prayed that Serenity Prayer over and over...asking God to PLEASE allow me to ACCEPT this thing that I could not change. No matter what I TRIED...it just was something I couldn't OWN. I know I am a broken record ...but what HELPED me so much was the day I was watching a documentary on Animal Planet...I think! It was about meerkats if I remember correctly. It's weird...because I don't remember much about that show EXCEPT that the commentator talked about how the animals that couldn't ADAPT to their new environment didn't survive. That was an AHA moment for me!! I didn't HAVE to ACCEPT what my H did...but I could certainly ADAPT to my new environment . I was a member of SURVIVING INFIDELITY...so OF COURSE I chose to SURVIVE !! THIS brought me more PEACE than I had felt in a while because I was REALLY struggling with accepting what happened.

I’m also divorced with a kind of broken family and the above posters are in happy relationships.

I've been in both. R isn't the answer in every situation...as you learned from all your years of trying to R. You did what was right for YOU...and I respect that . I remember how conflicted you were in your posts when you tried R. That was THEN. NOW I see where your posts aren't showing you in as much turmoil as before. I did find PEACE when I went for D in my 1st M...and I pray that you find it too...if you haven't yet .

For me the ‘shit sandwich’ was a metaphor for swallowing down the dreadful ‘shame’ of staying with someone who caused that much pain, it was having to reconcile who you believed you were to someone you now chose to be. Swallowing down the way you believed the world would perceive you for staying. In a way a form of self flagellation.

This was my interpretation of it too Dragonfly123. I have often felt that feeling like this would not do anyone any good. In the end...NO ONE ELSE can choose how WE are going to live our lives...it is totally up to US . I CHOSE to leave as soon as my H confessed. I then CHOSE to stay within an hour of my 1st choice . We ALL have to live with the consequences of our CHOICES...and I have NEVER regretted changing my mind and my choice .

The shit sandwich can stay on the plate!

!!! LOVE IT!!!

I do understand perspectives different from my own.

I spent at least half my life living in complete misery and often able to make the people around me feel just as bad. The shit sandwich was life itself for me, and not just a metaphor — I took it a step further and my entire theme of existence was: "Life sucks, then you die."

Like Waited on the links, I would let one bad shot or one bad moment infect and destroy hours and days.

I get why people lean on or into the metaphor, I really do.

My change in attitude or approach happened several years before my wife’s confession.

I realized one day that I don’t get to control anyone or anything in my world. Blaming people for my life solved nothing. There is only one thing I can ever control and that is, my reaction and response to adversity.

Infidelity may be one of the worst emotional traumas in my life, but it isn’t the only one and it will not be the last one. Allowing the moment to define me or my life would be the metaphor - the shit sandwich.

Instead, I see adversity as a part of the deal, whatever it is.

No burying of feelings, just the opposite, I jump in with both feet on anger, sadness and process them completely to better appreciate the better hours or days when they happen. Some folks get caught up in the misery, I know, I lived that way a LONG time. There is comfort in misery, it is consistent and reliable at the very least, if I let it.

Trauma in many forms, is almost never a choice. The brain is a powerful weapon to heal or to continue to make matters worse. When trauma happens I get to choose how I learn from it and while I am never HAPPY horrible things happen now, I take comfort in knowing I will conquer it.

Surviving infidelity and thriving after isn’t any part of that sandwich — I’m stronger, smarter and value myself more than ever.

Overcoming adversity isn’t a bad thing, focusing on the good in you and your life, isn’t a bad thing.

And again, however people get through this, whatever metaphors they choose to use to get clear of the trauma? I’m all for it.

I’m just trying to do a better job of explaining how I got here to my more peaceful, happier, self.

I spent at least half my life living in complete misery and often able to make the people around me feel just as bad. The shit sandwich was life itself for me, and not just a metaphor — I took it a step further and my entire theme of existence was: "Life sucks, then you die."

WOW . I would have NEVER thought that about you from the POSITIVE posts you make!! What a CHANGE you went through my friend !!

I've always been an optimist. I lost that on Dday...along with my faith in God . This was very devastating to me...knowing I couldn't get back to being a positive person. When I found out that I COULD get all of this back...it propelled me forward in getting other things back . It has really helped me to look at life in a more grateful way. I am very THANKFUL for the life I have...scars and all !!!

Hey W2BHA —

Weirdly, I think my darker days, when I let everything bother me and keep me down, allowed me to really appreciate the changes and choices.

I am happily a kinder, more positive person. And while I questioned why me (?!!) a few times, I never lost my faith.

It was my wife who turned her back on herself, her faith and family. I was glad to see her be able to turn it all back around, but I would have been fine solo if she hadn’t found her way to a much better version of herself.

All of my changes didn’t help much on dday. I think it knocks us all down, regardless of faith or philosophy.

I don’t walk around life whistling zippity-doo-dah all day, I’m just able to rule over my emotions and choose what I want to focus on, which is usually happier stuff. Grateful is a better way to describe me now, despite the horror show life has shown me along the way.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 7:18 PM, Friday, August 12th]

I used to see my H as a true HERO...the man was AMAZING. Then he had an A...and I realized he wasn't as STRONG as I thought he was. In fact...I was the stronger one!! I knew he had issues...we all do. But when I quit seeing him as the "enemy" after his A...and started seeing him as a man who had his flaws...mercy happened

Oh this is good right here. My W has always been a sweet, beautiful, proper lady, does not cuss or use foul language, very kind and giving. One day 20 years ago with all of us in the car, the kids were young she yelled "dumb ass!!" and we were shocked 😮 We still remember the shock of that day, and still tease her about it. What happened was I put her on a pedestal and she became perfect and irreplaceable in my eyes. Very unhealthy dynamic in any relationship.

After Dday I didn’t see her the same and didn’t respect or treat her the same, she then put me on the pedestal, again very unhealthy.

I decided one day that if R was going to work we had to level up the M. I stopped treating her like a cheater / enemy and as an equal spouse working towards the same goal of fixing and healing ourselves.

That was the day mercy and respect returned to our M. On that next Dday antiversary I was choking down a bad ass steak dinner made exactly the way I like it. She’s ready to make new memories and if it means another steak dinner, bring on Dday antiversary!!! 🤷‍♂️

I don’t walk around life whistling zippity-doo-dah all day

That made me smile Oldwounds . There's a Donna Fargo song...back in 1972...called The Happiest Girl in the Whole USA. I used to sing it all the time...until Dday. But I've started singing that song again...and it has a part in it that says Skip-a-dee-doo-dah !!! I even use that twang that she does...although it isn't much of a stretch from how my southern drawl is . There is one verse in there that really hits home with me now...much more than ever before:

Skip-a-dee-doo-dah
Thank you, oh Lord, for making him for me
And thank you for letting life turn out the way
That I always thought it could be
There once was a time when I could not imagine
How it would feel to say
I'm the happiest girl in the whole U.S.A.

My life HAS turned out the way I always HOPED it could be. I would have LOVED for infidelity to NOT be a part of this M...but I can't change that. I am moving FORWARD .

Tanner...that pedestal can be tricky for sure!! My H was doing that too after Dday...and I was adamant that he wasn't going to put me up there!! Like you...we are both equals...partners...and this has been a great place to be !!!

Oops...BluerThanBlue and Brew3x...I didn't notice y'alls posts this morning...sorry!!

The "shit sandwich" is an apt metaphor for unacceptable and intolerable things that are completely out of our control that we have to accept--whether we R or D-- in the wake of Dday.

Thank you for sharing your story BluerThanBlue . I very much felt like you in my 1st M too. I am very HAPPY to see that things turned out much better for you!!

Brew3x...I totally agree!

It's a rather cynical way of saying that you have to accept some ugly truths about your partner and your relationship history.

Then it's up to you to decide whether you make this a big or small part of your story.

If you are going to get to R, you have to process the unpleasantness. You might not have to "eat the sandwich" if that bothers you metaphorically. But you definitely need to do something with the unpleasantness other than rugsweeping, white knuckling, or otherwise ignoring it.

But I think the metaphor is simply stating that you have to accept what is really the unacceptable or that you got screwed over....

The posters above ... choose not to call it a shit sandwich. I get that. Their is probably a much nicer way of describing it, but at some point they still have to come to acceptance that it happened and their spouse screwed them over. By having the affair, and sending their lives into turmoil for probably 3-5 years.

Maybe this is the point that has kept me around SI for so long.

I agree totally that life after being betrayed is painful turmoil, and if one Rs, one is pretty lucky if the pain lasts only 3 years.

I respect good thinking, and I read a lot of good thinking on SI. And yet, with very similar facts, we come up with different conclusions about one of life's most important choices. That doesn't compute - I keep thinkig the same facts should lead to the same conclusion. The best explanation I can come up with is that the facts in individual cases aren't similar enough to support a universal conclusion.

I guess I'd like to develop some rules that we could communicate in JFO that would ease every newly betrayed person's path. The only one I can come up with is: look inside and figure out what you want.

I wondered for long time if I was too cowardly to face D. I wondered if my bonds with plainsong were less healthy than I thought. I wondered, 'What if ....'

In the end, I decided that 'what if' was not a game I could play and win, so I just decided to be satisfied with, 'This is the choice I'm making, and I'm going to accept the necessity of making a choice and implementing it. If I start getting unhappy with the choice, I'll be able to change my choice....'

But I continue to wonder if how one takes the 'shit sandwich' metaphor is a clue about who a person is. If it seems valid for a long time, maybe it's a clue that R isn't for you. If you don't quite accept it, maybe your want R.

It's not that R is or is not a 'shit sandwich'. Rather, it's a hit sandwich for some and not for others.

I guess I've written that before. I guess writing it again means I'm not quite satisfied with it.

(signed) sisoon, musing....