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I got a text message from my wife's AP's wife. She confirms that they are in an open marriage and that she knew her husband and my wife were chatting online and that she has no problem with it. That's why I'm not calling her OBS. She sent me an email as well just wanting answers to some questions. She wanted to know why I was only writing to her and not also to the other husbands my wife was in contact with. She wanted to know if I was chatting with women online (nope). She also wanted to know exactly what my wife told me. Honestly, she sounded more like someone wanting to cover tracks than someone wanting to help.

The "other husbands"?

She was essentially telling me that her husband isn't the only man my wife was with. I assumed as much, especially since she is trickle-truthing.

I was hoping it was a typing error.

Sorry this seems to be getting worse for you.

Are you sure you’re not texting with the OM and not his wife? The response sounded like it came from the OM who is fishing for information about how much you know and get your scent off his trail by mentioning the other men. Your wife also may have lied to him about you chatting with other women.

Even if you are confident you were texting with OM’s wife, based on the hostile tone of her response, I wouldn’t tell her anything except maybe "If you have an open relationship, you don’t need any information from me. I’m sure he tells you everything, right?"

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:36 PM, Tuesday, April 15th]

Ohhhh I think bluerthanblue is right. It was probably him. Did your wife know you had been trying to contact his wife? Perhaps she tipped him off and he texted you.

I agree if I was in an open marriage I would not be asking these questions. Especially the one where they asked you about whether you had been texting women online. This would be something he would want to know to see if he was mislead by the picture she painted for him.

And "why aren’t you texting the other wives thing" as an effort he may want to put out there for his own behalf so maybe you would be less focused on him. And it may not even be true.

I did a reverse phone lookup and verified that it is his wife's phone the texts came from and she gave me her email address through that phone number. I know his work schedule, because it exactly matches my wife's. He is her direct supervisor and she is on his sales team.

The number is linked to her name and home address. All of our communication happened while he was working. It's unlikely that he has his wife's phone with him at his job.

Left

Can you call her to hear if it's a female voice

If she knew and approved them OMW knows she is accountable to face consequences.

Polygraph Your WW.

I agree with the other people who think it was the AP. I would think if they had an open marriage and she responded she would just confirm it with you, not ask questions.

Why would she care if you were talking to other women online. Has nothing to do with her.

The most telling question was the one wanting to know what your wife had told you. This sounds like an affair partner wanting to know if your wife is lying to him about what she tells you.

Have you responded? If not, I would just say I’d be happy to tell you everything, just not over text. Can we talk on the phone briefly? Nothing about the text seems legit to me.

Honestly, she sounded more like someone wanting to cover tracks than someone wanting to help.

Who would need to cover their tracks? Not the OBS, only the AP

I went through all your past posts – including your last thread where I think I gave you your boilerplate for progress...

I’m not sure what you are looking for...

In your last thread you state you already told his wife by sending her a letter. At that time this wife never mentioned an open marriage and you say her husband convinced her this was not an affair. Issues that wouldn’t be there had this been an open marriage.

There was another man (the babysitting situation) with a suspicious and jealous wife, so it’s hardly an open marriage if his wife is suspicious and jealous.

What OM are we talking about here? Her manager, the babysitter-service buyer, or a new third OM?

We recommend exposure for a couple of reasons. One being the moral factor of letting the OP spouse be aware of what’s going on, the other being that in MOST instances this kills the affair. In your instance it does neither. So... let it go.

Trying to get your wife to be faithful by influencing the other stakeholders (OM wife(s)) would be like trying to get her sober by asking Smirnoff not to sell vodka in your town. It won’t work.

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I’m not into poly or open marriage or swinging or any of that, but there are couples that do it and many successfully. As a rule they do so by having firm ground-rules in place. With open marriages it’s generally that there is no or limited emotional connection, both partners aware of the others "events", often it has to be a no-strings/hassle involved (like – the OP needs to be single or in an open marriage). This might not apply in your situation, but it does make me doubt the open marriage part...

But the OP and their spouse(es?) aren’t the issue. The issue is that your wife is cheating.

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Your wife is in an open affair. The only thing that’s unclear is the extent.

To use the drinking comparison again: If your wife was an alcoholic and had a past where she got blacked-out drunk and caused scenes then what she’s offering now is that she still goes to the bar, still has one beer and still wishing for that euphoria of a second, third and fourth drink. It’s more-or-less only a question of time when she’s going to be causing a scene at the bar.

You on the other hand doubt the stories the others at the bar tell you. You think the police report might be exaggerated, or that maybe she wasn’t the one that broke the beer-glass in the bartenders face. You want all the witnesses to confirm everything, you want to be there when and if it happens again.

Only... when it happens again it might be too late. I suggest you go back to my suggestion in your last thread and start getting out of infidelity, rather than focus on understanding how deep in it your marriage really is.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:43 PM, Wednesday, April 16th]

Who would need to cover their tracks? Not the OBS, only the AP

She sent me an email as well just wanting answers to some questions. She wanted to know why I was only writing to her and not also to the other husbands my wife was in contact with. She wanted to know if I was chatting with women online (nope). She also wanted to know exactly what my wife told me. Honestly, she sounded more like someone wanting to cover tracks than someone wanting to help.

Open marriages are somewhat frowned upon in most places. Especially when they are seen to be actively recruiting other people's spouses. Getting outed can have serious consequences to their careers and social standing. Typically, one of the rules to make them work is that only date those either single or in another open relationship. That could explain the hostility and questions asked.

Look up ways that people can fake texts coming from another persons phone- it’s a thing. He could do this from his phone while he is at work. I would not be surprised to learn your wife knows about it too.

I am not a hysterical conspiracy type person at all. It sounded like someone trying to cover tracks than wanting to help because it was him.

Call her. If she answers ask her if she is the person you have been texting with. I bet she has no idea what you are talking about.

Also, why the heck does she still work for him? That’s got to go too.

Since he is in a position of power above her, I would have already gone to the company owner/boss and exposed them. Damn the consequences. My self respect is more important.

Yeah, good chance it’s actually the AP you were txting and emailing. Wouldn’t be the first time we’ve seen that here. Wouldn’t even be the 100th time. Get voice verification.