See my tagline? I truly believe in it. I believe we have a lot to say in our own happiness.
By happiness I’m not referring to roses and unicorns. Not an endless feast of whiskey and ice-cream. I don’t think the Greek Stoics were referring to that sort of happiness. It’s more that when you reflect on your life you are content.
You can’t make your wife stop the affair, or make her want the marriage. You can’t make the OM leave her alone or prevent her from seeking his company. What you can control is yourself.
Inaction is action. Doing nothing is a decision.
You didn’t go search for a site like this one and post your story because you are content with your situation. You are unhappy. It’s now your call if you remain unhappy.
I’m not so naïve as to think you can reach one single decision that will automatically make you happy. But you can reach a decision that you are more content with. That in turn changes your situation, and with time you can chose options from your new viewpoint/stance that move you even closer to happiness/content.
We can only see from what you share what your stance is. To us – it sounds very passive.
We could be completely off base, but the way it reads to us is like she had an affair and you simply told her that she needs to decide if she wants to have the affair or not. In the meantime, it doesn’t sound like you are taking any action – leaving the whole decision in her hands.
What we are suggesting in not that you lock her up, or place a monitoring collar on her. I personally think the first part of your line-of-thought is the correct one. Where you accept that she needs to decide what she wants.
There is immense power in a statement like:
"I think we could work things out and reconcile from this affair. However, I’m not forcing you to anything. What I will state is that I refuse to share you. You are totally free to be with him or any other person, but not as my wife. I encourage you to look realistically at what a divorce would be. We would both come out OK and we can change our relationship into a good coparenting role if that’s how this develops.
What is important to understand is that I won’t wait for long. Until I am convinced that you are placing effort into our marriage, I am assuming you have chosen him, and I will proceed at my pace towards getting out of infidelity".
On another matter: If you are so convinced that the OM made the phone-call to claim his possession over your wife, then you would be naïve to think he’s out of the picture. If he was willing to go to that desperate length then he’s going to be doing his best to contact her. I would be concerned if she claims he isn’t, and more comforted in knowing he was, and what actions she takes to keep him at a distance.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus