SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Three months ago I found out my husband was having multiple, at the very least, emotional affairs for at least 8 months. My story is in my bio. He swears nothing physical ever happened and that it was just stupid flirtation and ego. We have couples counseling and individual counseling set up for next week. After asking my husband for disclosure and not receiving anything viable, I decided to go through his phone, again, a couple of nights ago. While I did not find anything recent from the women that he was talking to prior, I did see that he had lied about other things.

When I found out that he was inviting/meeting women at his weekly activity, he instantly told me he would quit the league and did even though they were in finals. I found it strange that the rest of his team also quit, but he said it was due to not having a player to fill his spot. Last week, while at our child's school fun fair, he ran into a friend of his who was on an opposing team for his weekly activity, he told me there was a rumor going around that his whole team got kicked out of the league. He told me that this was not true. I didn't think much of it, but while going through his phone, I read a message between himself and a woman who worked at the establishment. Essentially, he stated that their team had been kicked out, and banned from the establishment. She responded that a server was also fired and she was giving her notice as she had gotten another job at a golf course. He asked if she golfed, she responded no, he then went on to tell her that they should go golfing together, that he would pay and teach her. Now, I don't know this woman, but I had heard her name months prior when he told me she had asked him to help serve her ex custody papers. I asked him why he would get involved in this situation when he didn't know her or their situation, and he said he felt obligated because she asked.

I also searched the multiple women's names in his text messages to see if there was any communication recently. There was not, that I could see, but I did find one between his friend and himself. The message stated that he had ran into one of the women. Disgustingly, he said that she was "lit and looking for d*ck". His friend, enabling his gross behavior, told him to f*ck her, to which he stated "I told her tonight its on". Mind you, this happened before I found out... but it still makes me feel like something more was going on then just "hanging out" as he says. I did confront the women, who all reiterated that nothing happened and it was just flirtation, or friendly. Although, these women are all also married with children. So why would they blow up their lives to be truthful to me.

I am flabbergasted. I have not confronted him, nor have I told him I went through his phone again. When I originally found out he told me that he wanted full transparency going forward and gave me free reign to go through his phone if I felt the need to. But, I cant help but feel he is still up to his old tricks. Additionally, I fear he may just be better at hiding his inhibitions.

Should I confront him or should I compile all the information and go through it in couples counseling? We don't ever get anywhere when I do confront him, he just says "I'm sorry, I love you so much, I'm an idiot, I swear nothing physical ever happened". I'm tired of hearing it. Its bs if you ask me. The type of women that these are, some having quite the pasts, I am seriously concerned about STIs if anything more did happen, so knowing what I know now, I will be getting tested next week. I don't know what my plans are at this point, if I will stay in the relationship or if I will separate. The only thing I do know is that I do not believe him or trust him. I feel its a cycle and a character flaw on his part.

The last thing you need is couples counseling. He’s the bad guy in this not you. He needs individual counseling yesterday. He has absolutely no filter and no self control. You need counseling to figure out how to deal with this either staying or leaving, but you can’t continue to live with this craziness.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are really good information. There are some posts that aren't pinned that have bull's eye icons that are really good, too. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and another good source of information.

Please see your doctor to be tested for STDs/STIs as there are some nasty diseases out there. If you're struggling with sleep or depression, ask for some meds to help you through this first very rough part.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. Betrayal trauma is brutal. Your WH (wayward husband) needs counseling to become a safe partner. He should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good read is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Dr. Glass's book has a little "test" to see if it's an EA (emotional affair). More than likely, it was a PA (physical affair) with him using "tonight it's on" in a text message.

Unless you hit the jackpot, the CC (or MC for marriage counseling) doesn't treat the infidelity. The therapist can also shift the blame to you. You are responsible for your part of the M, but the decision to cheat is 100% his choice. If you do end up going, just be careful because we've heard from members where the therapist sided with the wayward, and it's very damaging to you.

Sorry, infidelity sucks.

Thank you both for your responses. @leafields I appreciate the resources, I have heard about "Not Just Friends" through another sub, who recommended me to this website. I am glad to have found a sort of a community that may understand what I am going through. I never considered that the MC therapist might take his side and shift blame, I can't imagine how horrible that would be.
@Cooley2here I believe you are right, I believe he does need IC before we do MC. As well, I will be doing IC to sort out my feelings before inviting him in to MC.

I confronted my WH last night about the lies and other text messages I stumbled upon within my search, I told him how I was disgusted and embarrassed, that I would be getting tested for STI's. He says he lied to save face and not muddy the waters any more than they already were. He told me that it was only because of his ego and needing validation, that nothing physical ever happened so I did not need to be tested for STI's. I told him I was doing it regardless, because I do not believe nor trust him.

Honestly, it terrifies me to be a single 40 year old woman with a young daughter. We are a blended family, I have 2 adult children who have moved out into their own places and are attending college (mine from a prior relationship), we have a teen son (his from a prior relationship, but I have raised since he was 4 as his mother only sees him once a week), then we have our daughter together.

My first relationship ended due to physical, emotional and financial abuse, and he spent years after trying to ruin my life after I left him. I am so scared of going through that again, or traumatizing my younger children. Not to mention, my step-son would stay with his father, and I worry about leaving him like his mother did. I met my WH while I was going through a horrible custody battle with my ex and my WH came riding in like a knight in shining armor. He made me strong and helped me overcome the abuse. I was so young and wounded with two young children, no career or money. My life was so perfect from the outside looking in. A thriving family, financially sound, WH owns a successful business, I have a career which I worked very hard at and am very proud of. He was a wonderful husband, caring, funny, fun, brought me flowers every Sunday, was affectionate and loving, always kissing and hugging me... constantly telling me how much he loves and appreciates me. I think this is why it is so hard to see him in this new light. I feel like I was fooled, a wounded bird taken and built back up only to be wounded, again, by its savior.

I have a lot of guilt and shame from all of this, I am extremely embarrassed that he has been openly disrespecting me in front of people/friends. I also am very upset with all of the individuals who supported and enabled the poor behavior. I am hurt and angry that no one told me... It was not just one friend, it was many. One of the women was actually his friends fiancé, who I considered a friend. Albeit not a close friend- but nevertheless. She introduced my WH to this woman, and they all spent nights drinking and partying together. Going to the casino together and who knows what else. Being it was only the 4 of them, seems very double date-y to me. Like she facilitated his A. I am also very angry that all of these women knew about me. They knew he was married with a handful of kids...

Logically, I know none of this is my fault- but that doesn't make the feelings go away. I have intrusive thoughts that make me physically ill, nightmares that keep me up at night and cause extreme anxiety. All the while he is acting like nothing happened and gets upset with me when I ask questions and try to make sense of it all, not that it will ever make any sense.

Be sure to talk to your doctor and therapist about the anxiety and nightmares. Some of us get PTSD or C-PTSD as a result of betrayal trauma.

I am hurt and angry that no one told me... It was not just one friend, it was many.

That's why we encourage informing the OBS (other betrayed spouse) if the AP (affair partner) has one. And we recommend that you cut those so-called friends out.

One thing that helped me was learning to meditate. It really helped me to stop the thought spirals.

it terrifies me to be a single 40 year old woman with a young daughter

In the D/S (Divorce & Separation) forum, there's a Fear vs. Reality thread pinned to the top that you may find helpful. You're relatively young. Do you want to live the way you are for the next 30-50 years?

Another good book is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van Der Kolk. It isn't infidelity related, but is about trauma and how to work it through your body. He has suggested exercises, like yoga or Pilates, to work the trauma out of your body.

It's still early days yet and you may still be in shock. Take extra steps to practice self-care and self-love.

He sounds like he has some sort of addiction. The problem with addicts is they are either thinking about it, planning it, doing it or feeling guilty about it. It owns them. That is why he needs IC. He needs a therapist who specializes in SA, or any related addiction.

You can’t fix him. Getting help is up to him.

Get tested any way. You need to know.

Do you know anything about his childhood? Sometimes people don’t mature past it so their idea of love/sex/desire etc is warped. That almost aways comes from a chaotic childhood.

Good day,

We ended up having a pretty emotionally productive weekend. WH disclosed a timeline, and we had honest communication regarding the EAs. He agreed to IC, and in fact, he is going to request a referral from his doctor to see a psychiatrist as he believes it is behavioral, his need for attention and validation from women. Additionally, I told him he has to fix what he has broken, and I will not be setting him up with IC. I gave him resources (like "Not Just Friends) and told him that he can order it and read it, but I will not be doing the work for him- it is up to him.

I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday for testing, although he swears I do not need this, as it was not physical, I am still going forward with it for peace of mind.

We will see if he actually goes through with putting in the effort or if it is just a smoke screen. In the meantime, I am focusing solely on healing myself.

All the while he is acting like nothing happened and gets upset with me when I ask questions and try to make sense of it all, not that it will ever make any sense.

This is typical cheater behavior and will be the reason you cannot reconcile and heal.

I believe this is the reason so many marriages fail - not due to the infidelity but due to the cheater’s behavior after the infidelity has been discovered.

Please do not let fear of D rope you in to staying in an unhealthy marriage. I was you and afraid of D (mostly due to finances as my H made much more $ than I did).

But at dday2 I knew if I didn’t change I was going to possibly remain married to a liar and cheater. He thought he still had control of everything and I was going to continue to be a doormat.

He very quickly learned he no longer had a say in anything regarding me or kids and that opened his eyes. In a very short time he started answering all my questions and making changes.

We are one of the lucky ones who are happily reconciled. But only because I changed which required he change.

Glad you had some great discussions this weekend and kudos for setting some boundaries. Now it's up to him to prove himself by his actions. His words mean very little as he's shown he's a liar. It will take consistent actions over time to help you feel safe.

These emotional affairs may be happening b/c your H feels needed by these women.

Your description of your H being your "knight in shining armor" to rescue you from a horrible situation at that time in your life speaks to similarities with our cheating spouses.

My H had an EA for 4 years (before cell phones and text messaging). He saw this woman in person for 4 years 4 nights a week. I KNEW she was very interested but he denied it was anything — it was a "friendship". This was long before the term EA was even used.

She had a horrible life and he listened to her sob story and you get the picture - an EA has started.

It may be your Cheating Husband has the same character flaw. He wants to be needed and rescue these loser OW. They adore him, he gets the ego boost blah blah blah.

It took my H a few years during reconciliation to truly understand that this behavior had to stop. He didn’t see "anything wrong with listening" to people until I pointed out how his affairs all started with his "listening". How these women viewed him and that if he felt the need for this type of validation then we cannot remain married b/c I wasn’t accepting this behavior any longer.

There is something to be said for an ego boost. We all like that validation. But some people crave it or need it to live happily. It’s like an addiction — they need to know they are still desirable etc.

I hope this helps you understand why these affairs may have occurred. And if that is the reason, then that is the basis for an issue your husband needs to address.

@The1stWife, what you're saying makes complete sense, about him feeling "needed". One of the women was married and in an abusive relationship. He told me about it one evening, when I asked how he knew, he said that he had heard from a mutual friend (which I now know was a lie). When I confronted her, she stated that my H was easy to vent to and a good listener. I scoffed at the idea of my H being a good listener, as he doesn't listen to my venting very well, nor is he very empathetic. I stopped venting to him or going to him when I was in distress, as he caused more angst than good. I believe that is part of the hurt as well, he barely listens to me, yet he is swooping in to save someone else. Up until this year, he didn't even know what my favorite meal was. The only reason he does now is because I had a meltdown that he was spending so much time with other women, and he couldn't care less about his wife. The other night, he bought a lasagna and stated proudly, "See, I do care, I do listen".

@leafields I intend to discuss my anxiety with my doctor today. It's amazing the ups and downs that come with the betrayal. I will try a guided meditation tonight, perhaps that will help me. A big part of it all is that he would tell me here and there that the women were around. "So and so is at _______'s house". He would tell me about conversations that they had. Now, knowing what I know, I feel like it was a tactic. If I heard from someone they were spotted together, then he could say, "I told you she was there". I am playing tug o' war with myself, one day I am catastrophizing and the next I am minimizing. As for D, it's not completely out of the question. I am still undecided about what I want to do. Honestly, I'm just waiting for him to go back to his old ways. He is supposed to get a referral today for a psychiatrist... so we shall see. It wouldn't shock me if he doesn't follow through. He has still not ordered the books that we discussed he read.

@Cooley2here, I agree with you. I do believe he has addiction problems. In every aspect. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. He has a gambling addiction. He is not an alcoholic, but he is addicted to the feeling he gets when he is drinking in social situations. He has a charismatic personality and is very funny. He is addicted to attention and being in the spotlight. HA in December I had an annual girls Christmas party. He hade a big stink about how I am a tiny woman and he didn't feel comfortable with my going out. When I told him it was not up for debate, he insisted he pick me up. Well, when it came down to the hour before, when he was to pick me up, I sent him a message, which is when I found out he had 2 single guys and two single girls at our house and was partying. He was too inebriated to get me. But wanted me to come home and party with them, I was absolutely LIVID, I told him everyone had better be out of my house by the time I was home. I ended up having to wait for an hour and a half for an Uber.

I feel like I want so badly for things to go back to the way they were before I found out that I fall victim to him. I want our normality back, and I push aside the thoughts and feelings of the betrayals, and it's like we are back to our happy family. This is how I felt over the weekend, after his timeline disclosure, blissfully ignorant. Today is a different story... today, images of the text messages are flooding back into my mind. Him asking the others to make the first move. I do believe that if the EA's were not PA it was only because the women had not acted. One woman did kiss him, and he text her later that evening saying, "I can still taste the mint." That is the only reason that I knew about the kiss. He also told her that if she wanted more that he was not talking to anyone else. When I confronted this woman, she told me that he spoke of me often, about how much he loved me and how amazing I was, and that I was okay with what he does... (this was the same woman that his friend and he spoke so eloquently about).

Today, I feel like it is all a manipulation tactic. That he is trying to "show" me that he is changing, that he makes small changes, then asks for praise. Like on Saturday, it was one of the friends' birthdays, 30 of them went golfing (30! Who even has 30 friends at 40- Jeez!). He was home by 10:00 pm and was so proud of himself, expecting praise from me. I told him "You want praise for being a decent human being?! For being a husband and a father? Yes, you came home at a decent time, but you're still wasted." I'm having a hard time being nice to him these days. He says I have a constant look of disgust on my face when I look at him. I don't disagree. I am disgusted. I am disgusted with him, and I am disgusted with myself.