SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out in 2020 when my daughter was 10 months old that my husband was cheating on me. I found out thought his iPad that was link to his phone that he was cheating on me with prostitutes. Even paying extra to have it unprotected. I also found out he was on massive amounts of cocaine and zanies. So yay fun for me. Well, dumb me ended working it out with him to try to keep our family together and I had another kid with him. We moved to another state to try to start fresh. Well about 6 months later I caught him texting a prostitute again. He again promised me up and down he’d change and again I agreed to stay for the kids. It’s been another 3 years and I still don’t trust him. And constantly feel disrespected with the way he talks to and treats other women. For example, just tonight at my son’s birthday dinner we had a young female waitress and he was so friendly with her. Giving her high fives and all super nice. I guess I’m just finally sick of the way I’ve been treated and ready to share my story. I’ve been silent for 5 years now and it’s driving me insane and I feel like I’m going crazy. I want to leave him so bad but I’m so scared to leave my kids in his care. Someone please help me I feel like I’m drowning.

You have forgiven a lot by staying through two rounds of this. You didn't mention if he went to therapy or did anything to work on addressing the issues that led him to visiting prostitutes in the first place. Unless he shows a deep commitment to self-improvement and opening himself up to his problems, you're not likely to feel safe with him (and even if he does all that work, you still might not feel safe).

What exactly are you afraid of in leaving your children with him? Has he not addressed the drug use? And what makes you think he will want to split custody? I have several friends who divorced and retained full or primary custody (where the other parent only takes weekends or every other weekend). If he's still abusing drugs, a judge could find him an unfit parent and give you full custody. You should speak to a lawyer to understand the reality of the situation where you live. Some of them will give a free initial consultation, so call a few and ask about that.

You do have choices. I hope you know that.

You can start preparing to D him. Give yourself 6 months and get a plan together. Get some $ together. Secretly meet with an attorney to get advice on how D works.

Honestly at dday2 I had a solid Divorce plan in place.

You appear to be very unhappy and you deserve better. Perhaps being D will be a better situation for you.

A smart person will make it happen and recognize that it is better to be alone and happy than married and miserable.

Imagine that dinner w/out the cheater there. How much happier would you have been?

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're dealing with an unfaithful partner. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources. The ICR (I Can Relate) forum has threads for people whose WS (wayward spouse) weren't emotionally attached to the AP (affair partner), eg used prostitutes or similar.

What did you do to help you heal during that time? What work did he do to change to become a safe partner?

Don't be afraid to allow your children time to visit their father. How much time would he really have them? A day or two at a time? They could probably survive that long with him. If you find out he's neglecting them, his visitation can be taken away or be a few, supervised hours.

Please speak to a lawyer (or 3) to find out your options. The knowledge can help you with your next steps.

Why

Because he's a selfish jerk who only cares about his gratification and he doesn't care who gets hurt. Don't try to rationalize his behavior because you can't apply logic to an illogical situation.