SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I saw a meme earlier this week online that said something to the effect of "hypersexuality is not infidelity, it is an ADHD response".

So of course, I did a Google search, and found severalllll articles. 🤪

I recall my ex saying that when he was in elementary school, his teachers recommended he be put on medication for ADD. His parents refused. They made sure to limit his sugar intake, better sleep patterns, and ensure his physical playtime was adequate. I don’t think he would be diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. But who knows? He is very focused, able to concentrate and easy to relax. I also realize that ADD is an outdated term and now someone would be diagnosed with ADHD.

I wonder if there are many of us betrayed spouses that have wandering spouses that could be diagnosed with ADHD?

Not trying to excuse ANY infidelity. Just like the midlife crisis, sex addiction questions, etc., etc..

Thoughts?

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 7:09 PM, Wednesday, June 11th]

We often hear speculation that a heinous criminal is going to plead innocent by reason of insanity.

But it seldom actually happens, and when it is pled, it is seldom successful.

Why is that? We might all agree that a serial killer must have a screw or two loose.

It’s because the law doesn’t care what mental capacity the accused may have. It only cares if the accused has the "mens rea" necessary to be convicted of a crime. Basically, did the accused know what they are accused of doing was wrong.

Defendant: the devil told me to do it

Judge: Wow, the devil talks to you. Did you know what he told you to do was wrong?

It’s the same with infidelity. We see loads of acronyms: NPD, CSA, ADHD, FOO, etc., etc.

But the cheater knows it’s wrong. That’s all that matters.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 8:26 PM, Wednesday, June 11th]

Oooohhhh I'm gonna be watching this thread for comments. There is a lot of diagnostic overlap between what is termed ADHD and high functioning ASD (autism spectrum disorder, formerly Aspergers). So much so that if you check the list of symptom markers in the Diagnostic and Standards Manual IV for example, there are almost more markers these diagnoses share in common than unique to one or the other.

Anyway...my SAWH has some kind of issue with spectrum disorder(s), learning disabilities, speech comprehension issues, severe lack of impulse control in the emotional/physical realm despite being an engineer (! What a combo, eh?) And he came from a CSA family with lax moral teaching throughout his formative years. So eventually I had to give up trying to figure out exactly which pieces were broken. As the poster above said, they know it's wrong.

[This message edited by Superesse at 7:44 PM, Wednesday, June 11th]

My xWS was hypersexual and impulsive. He was diagnosed ADD/ADHD as a child, it is very apparent in his behaviors. He was also diagnosed NPD so he is a whole spectrum of disorder BUT still he knew what he was doing was wrong. That's why he hid his A's and sexually acting out. I don't think he really cared how it affected me more how my reactions to it affected him.

Bank robbery is not a crime, it is a poverty-intolerance response…

My WS is in the process of getting diagnosed for ADHD in his 50s. He is convinced that it led to the downfall of R, because a) he was too hyperfocused on work and not on me or our relationship, and b) when pressure isn't externally applied, he slacks off. So now he's trying to medicate his way to being a better partner, but it's waaay too late.

He also struggles mightily with impulse control, but a 3 year EA+PA is not impulsive. Thankfully he doesn't blame the ADHD for the cheating. He does label it as an addiction, another symptom of lack of self control.

The bottom line to me is, whatever his issues might be, *I* have to deal with the fallout. If someone has a sickness that causes them to violently lash out at people around them, I think it's morally justifiable to say that you don't want to be around them, even if you married them before this problem manifested. It doesn't matter why they behave this way if the consequences are too much to bear (c.f. the second half of Jane Eyre).

We really don't have a good understanding of how the brain works in a behavioral sense and how much free will we really have. Robert Sapolsky, a neuroscientist, has written some really interesting books about this. His research shows that while our forebrains can typically override instinctive behavior, we actually make decisions about what to do at a subconscious level and then rationalize it. So you choose to reach for slice of the cake because your brain has already decided to eat it, and then you think, "I deserve a treat for working overtime yesterday," and then you actually reach out your hand and take the piece of cake. But he also says that before you reach out and take it, your forebrain has a chance to catch up and say, "Hey, I shouldn't eat cake because I'm on a low-sugar diet," and then you can stop yourself.

So how much control does a WS really have over their actions? Is their brain chemistry or structure different from someone who doesn't cheat? I think these are really interesting academic questions! But in terms of practical reality, a BS is not obligated to put up with this from the WS even if they can't help it. If the WS's behavior hurts the BS, the BS should have the choice to walk away without qualms.

I'm ADHD-distractable. Luckily, I found a career that exploited my strengths, but it's not a career I would have chosen. The way my brain works kept me from the 2 career paths I really wanted. There are some things I can't do that most people do automatically. It took me decades to realize my mind can do things that attention-excess disordered people can't.

I believe that ADHDers do NOT freely choose their self-destructive behaviors. I did not choose to be as distractable as I am, when not medicated.

It's not for us to judge others. What we CAN do is set and maintain boundaries. In a relationship between an ADHD person and a non-ADHS person, both have to decide what they'll accept from their partner.

My reco is: do not judge others. Just set and maintain your boundaries, with adjustments as appropriate. I'm not easy to live with. The specific ways I'm not easy to live with are unimportant. All W & I need to know is whether or not we can live with what we see as faults in the other.

*****

The meme annoys me. I think it trivializes both ADHD and hyper-sexuality. Frankly, this is the first time I've seen the association between the two.

IDK ... I don't see any reason for not testing a hyper-sexual person for ADHD, but I'd be surprised if ADHD is a cause of hyper-sexuality.

*****

So how much control does a WS really have over their actions? Is their brain chemistry or structure different from someone who doesn't cheat?

I think ADHD brain chemistry is different from that of the majority's brains.

I also think that it doesn't matter. What matters is one's boundaries. If you won't accept your WS as they are, D is likely to be the nest option.

My W is a CSA survivor. Lots of CSA survivors have fucked up feelings about sex; I know my W does. That didn't mitigate my pain. I didn't tell myself I should R because she deserves a break. But if I want to stay with her, I have to accept her as she is.

W has to accept some things from me because thse things come along with ADHD. But she doesn't have to stay. She's free to dump me because she decides she won't accept ADHD downsides any more.

No excuses....

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:39 PM, Thursday, June 12th]

What Bigger said. I'm so tired of diagnoses giving permission for crappie behavior. Nope all functional adults know right and wrong and make a choice to do right or wrong. Having ASD, ADHD, ADD, or any other diagnosis doesn't change that.
Speaking as a ADHD kid from the 70s .

Thank you for the responses-especially Sisoon and Tush with their own personal experiences.

Yes, I agree it is basic right/wrong. If someone doesn’t know the difference between the two-then there would be no secrets, lies, gaslighting, TT, etc. which is very often the case.

I have ASD and possibly ADHD and whilst both would have contributed towards my affair I was still aware it was immoral.

There is an emotional naivety with ASD and a difficulty labelling emotions which can make guilt easier to compartmentalise or not recognise during the affair. Also, difficulty with black and white thinking and setting emotional boundaries.

ADHD makes impulse control more challenging, especially if unaware that it is an ADHD impulse that can be ignored. For me I felt compelled to act as didn’t have the knowledge I do now.

[This message edited by NaiveWayward at 6:13 PM, Friday, June 13th]

My husband has ADHD. That may make it more difficult for him to control his impulses but he still has the ability to do it. He knows right from wrong. It's on him to make good choices.

I don’t think of these kinds of things as excuses. Nothing excuses a grown up from cheating.

Moreso, it’s about building self awareness.

For example, There are careers that have higher infidelity rates. Is it the job? Is it the type of personality that is attached to the job? What are the personality traits? Do those in that profession learn a greater degree of skill in compartmentalization? And does it mean that all people in that profession will cheat? Of course not but for those who do it may help them to see how that compartmentalization can be unhealthy.

Noticing things like this can create an ability to explore different ways of coping or functioning and where it comes from.

What I have learned is being able to identify parts of yourself and their origins can help us break repetitive patterns and inclinations. You can’t change something until you know about it. There are things that you may not wish to or cannot change but you need to be aware of the ways it impacts you and that knowledge/practice can make a weakness into a strength.

Avoidance is a big trait ws have, and it contributes to our attachment style. I do not think of myself as an avoidant who is no longer avoidant. I will always be avoidant, but that awareness makes me reconsider situations and force myself to deal with them differently. It takes a lot for me to recognize I am ignoring a need out of avoidance, and bring that to my husband. However the more I do it, the more specific I am getting about what I am asking. And not being able to acknowledge and manage my own needs was what led to the unhealthiness that made me want to escape.

Avoidance is also a trait a lot of bs who never have cheated have. So it doesn’t cause cheating. It creates an unhealthiness that people manage differently.

I find it fascinating when these things come up that we just want to say "it’s no excuse". Of course it isn’t. No one is suggesting that it is. It’s more, is this an aspect that contributed to the ability or desire to cheat in that specific person and if so, how does that person balance it differently?

I have found that in the areas I needed to improve all were contributing factors for cheating, even though I fully acknowledge the surface reason cheated is because I wanted to and had the opportunity. And the just below the surface reason was I was deeply unhappy and did not have a good relationship with what I proclaimed my values to be. But there were all the roots below that, and the nutrients of the soil feeding those roots became suspect, and so on and so forth.

I have decided people who are self aware, and secure do not cheat. So my goal hasn’t been don’t be a cheater, I would literally rather stick a fork in my eye than to do that again. It’s been about focusing on what makes me better for myself, and better in my relationships, and as a result there is less escaping or acting out in other ways besides cheating.

I simply e used these sort of discussions as clues to rebuild a foundation. I see a new ws commented about her diagnosis. That’s is great! Figure out how to manage around those limitations and how they may be contributing to unhealthy thoughts or behaviors.

These roots and soil type things are all things your ws should be looking at. And if they are, it’s great they are doing work to increase their self awareness. I am not saying you should be jumping up and down about it, or that it takes away your pain. I would still advise to watch and wait to see how they begin to apply it. And even more importantly if they are doing this with multiple things, and they pick up on new ones and keep going. Often it’s awkwardly at first, and those that are truly dedicated will master these tiny new aspects to their being. These tiny little growths add up to blooms that can eventually be hallmarks of a person you may feel you can walk beside again with a renewed trust.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:52 PM, Friday, June 13th]