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I've felt that our recovery has been stagnant for while, but last night my H and I had a terrible, emotional discussion about just that. I told him right away after D day that he'd need to ask me to marry him again, get remarried, and have a fresh start. I feel I need this in order to help my healing, feel more whole again, and mark this new marriage that we're in (since the first marriage is gone).

He's been hurt for a while because I don't say "i love you" first. I always say it when he says it first, but in the last 1.5 years I've maybe said it 3 times unprovoked. I do love him, but I don't feel like I can "put myself out there" yet and just say it to him.

Last night in our emotional discussion, he said how could he propose to me when I can't even say "i love you" first. I responded with the fact that I've needed this proposal/remarriage for over a year and it's wearing on me that he hasn't done it. We're just spinning in circles and I don't know where to go from here.

We also have the issue of his business. A business we helped build together and less than a month after it opened, he slept with someone there. I poured my heart and soul into that place, and I now hate it's existence. We've tried to get me comfortable there again, but every time we go it feels like the wound is getting reopened. He says I'm the most important thing in his life, but I'm sure not feeling it....hence why I also have a hard time saying "i love you" first.

Well the fact that I hate the business is another reason why he hasn't asked to remarry me. "why would you want to remarry me if you hate the business" or "why would I propose if I think you don't want to be with me because of the business"

In my head, having him recommit to me and having something significant to mark our fresh start is what I need to start to feel whole/human again.

He needs more love from me in order to do propose, but I need him to propose to feel like I can share more love with him....Just not sure what to do or where to go from here. Sorry this is very rambling. Any and all advice is beyond appreciated. Thank you

Hi there-

As I read through your post, I want to affirm you it’s normal not to feel like you can be vulnerable yet.

However, I want to caution you about believing there is a magic bullet to making you feel better. I can understand the remarriage idea. I think it can be a beautiful thing. We renewed our vows privately in the last year and it really meant something to both of us.

However, it was because we intentionally had rebuilt and both felt sure of the new commitment we were making and how that is very different than the words we said decades ago.

I fear that hinging your recovery on this, before true healing and emotional intimacy is restored is going to feel very hollow. I also think it’s possible the resistance your husband is feeling to that is for that very reason. I also think it’s very possible that after it’s said and done because he didn’t feel sure if it’s purpose that you are going to resent that union feeling like it was forced.

I would like to hear how your husband has intentionally discovered why he did why he did and what has he done to change those things? Has he been intentional about restoring trust? Has he been transparent with you, remorseful, and working on building that intimacy/trust that may help you feel like becoming vulnerable is possible?

It sounds a little to me like you are fixated on something that is going to be a magic door to go through. The reason I am so concerned is 18 months out is not a long time to reconcile. And it was near that time that my husband gave me a new ring that ended up meaning nothing to me. I do not even know where it is anymore.

Anyway, just be careful with taking grand gestures as a cure. It’s totally not and you are not going to suddenly feel vulnerable towards him again. Instead, you should see that as a natural reaction that needs to be resolved through communication and his intentional rebuilding. And both of you healing.

I will also say that my husband cheated on me with one of our employees too. We have had to do some intentional work around that. I no longer hate the business, it isn’t who cheated on me. It was just me not being able to distribute all the pain and anger into him directly.

I am not trying to talk you out of your notions, everyone is different and maybe it is what you need. I think it’s worth evaluating more closely though.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:43 PM, Tuesday, June 17th]

Sorry for your pain.

I agree with hikingout. From what you wrote, it sounds like you wanted your WH to propose and remarry you very soon after d-day. If you are only 18 months out and it is now a sore spot that you’ve been waiting, I take it you locked in on this almost immediately. You are looking for him to reassure you that he is committed to you, and that makes sense. But I think that there are progressions of commitment, like in dating. From what you wrote, I don’t think either of you are ready for making realistic lifetime commitments.

I think it’s ok for you to be hesitant about initiating ILY’s. It’s fully understandable that you would despise the business. If he is more concerned about the business than to you, that certainly communicates something, don’t ignore it.

But I also think it makes sense for him to not be prepared to renew vows. For the marriage to really survive, it needs to be able to transform into something that serves you both. You are both well within the window of still being driven by trauma. It’s not a good time to be making oaths. Would you advise a best friend or child to immediately recommit to a cheating spouse?

It’s a long, awful road. No one gets to skip to the front of the line.

In the decades before d-day, I said 'ILY' a lot, even though my W did not. I didn't get the results I wanted, so I say ILY very rarely now, though my W says it frequently. I don't return it. W understands. I certainly show love every day; I just don't say it.

IOW, I think your WS's desire for you to put yourself out there is way out of line.

I, too, think 18 months is too short a time to heal. IMO, it normally takes at least 2 years, and usually more if one R's because one needs time t account for the fact that the BS is staying with the person who hurt them.

The fact that he's saying the things you report says to me that he has a lot more work to do before he'll come close to changing from cheater to good partner. Among other things, I think his comments say he's more committed to himself than to you, at least as I read them.

IOW, I think you're pushing him and yourself too fast. I don't think either of you are doing what you need to do to heal, and you can't R, IMO, unless healing has taken hold.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:49 PM, Tuesday, June 17th]