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I watched all of this horrific event unfold on social media and this woman’s whole life be taken away from her in an instant and it made me think "is the anger I’m holding onto worth it" My husband has done everything he should, besides have a fucking affair, but he quit his job, went immediately no contact, full remorse, complete transparency and it was a very short emotional affair but I have so much anger still. Is it worth it? We have had a really good reconciliation besides the times I am triggered and he works through it with me every step of the way but do I want to keep doing this? If I have committed to reconciliation then I need to let go of the anger, I said I would never forgive her but maybe I need to because she still has a hold over me, mainly because of my fear of running into her. I have spoken to her, text her but never seen her in person and it is a fear of mine but is it worth it? My husband has a dangerous job, that everyday he leaves there is a chance something could happen to him and today made me realize it might be time to not let him off the hook, but decide to take solid steps to move forward and leave it in the past. There are going to be triggers I need to deal with along the road and I feel confident he will be there 100% for those but life is too short. I decided I want US so I think that is what I need to focus on. Sorry for the rambling.

[This message edited by Emotionalaffair24 at 9:56 PM, Friday, September 12th]

No, the shooting didn't change my view on forgiveness, but I haven't looked at things on SM nor am I in the process of R.

If your WH is putting in the work and changing to be a safe partner, then you may wish to focus on rebuilding or regaining trust. The hard part is that rebuilding this takes consistent actions over time. Don't feel like you need to force it, and please be sure to realize that you can change your mind.

We all have different realizations from different events.

Yes, life is fragile and temporary. Get what beauty and happiness you can from it before it is gone. For some, that's the motivation to work harder R. For others, that's the motivation to realize you can't live in false R.

As posed, the question on which this thread is based is inherently political. Locked, perhaps temporarily.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:46 PM, Friday, September 12th]

Absolutely not. If anything, it firmed up my boundaries. When you put life events into perspective, some absolutely warrant a harsh reaction and some don't. I have been shot at, attacked in a HMMWV, slept on the ground in a tent for months, and almost died 2X. So I think I have a healthy perspective on what deserves no reaction, mild reaction, or a harsh reaction. Two people betraying you absolutely should have you cutting them off. There is no such thing as a little affair. Deciding that someone isn't worth taking up (anymore) free mindspace is great and I'm all for it. But rugsweeping a traumatic event because it could be a worse traumatic event, like being shot in cold blood, doesn't serve you well either. Sometimes that hate is just a healthy way to process trauma at first. Nobody should stay stuck in trauma, but mitigating how traumatic something is because it could be worse, doesn't allow you to process and heal either. If you shove something in a drawer that is starting to rot and stinks and leaving it there, only serves to let it fester and become a bigger problem to deal with later.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 5:49 AM, Saturday, September 20th]

IMO, you need to deal with your anger whether you D or R. Walking around angry is not good for your health - physical or emotional.

Can you release some anger by asking someone to change or by changing yourself? If so, my reco is to decide how much effort you're willing to exert to effect a change that will alleviate the anger.

Are you angry about something no one can change? If so, recognize that you can't change yourself or someone else to alleviate the anger, and let the anger go. It's not always easy to let anger go, but it's easier when you know that the sitch can't be changed.

Easier said than done, I know - but you benefit from processing your anger out of your body, and your best bet is to take care of yourself.

Nope. I have forgiven my WS, but I'm still going to divorce him. We're both 50+. I've already lost my health, and at times, death feels like it would be a blessing. There is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation - he can have one but not the other - and current events have not convinced me that reconciling would be better than being alone (for whatever remains of my life) because I'm happier without him.

It hasn’t changed anything for me. I have not forgiven my husband for what he has done. He has not earned that IMO. He prolonged my suffering with trickle truth, continuing contact, etc. I’ll also never forgive the OW. They certainly don’t deserve that. They were fully aware of me, our child, there was catfishing, threats of outing, creepy obsession with me, etc. He invited that in of course, but they were something else.

I think CK or not, it’s always important to remember that life is short and can change in an instant. However that doesn’t mean stuffing down valid feelings. They still need to be worked through, people still need to earn forgiveness, etc. I am perfectly content without offering people forgiveness they have not earned. It’s not either or for me.

Nope! The point of indifference is to get to a point where you’re not bothered either way. It doesn’t mean you have to want bad things, but you can be indifferent.