SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,
I never imagined I’d be in this place, caught in the wreckage of my own actions, watching the person I love most suffer because of me. My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for nearly 5. And now, because of a single night of many bad decisions, everything has been shattered.

Ultimately, I made a terrible decision. I got drunk, I got high, but none of that excuses what I did. I had a one-night stand. I take full responsibility. I don’t understand why I allowed myself to get into that situation or why I didn’t stop it. But I did it, and it’s on me and that hurts.

The worst part is seeing the pain I’ve caused her. She’s in shock, then denial, then breaks down in sobs I can’t help her through. She doesn't even feel safe confiding in her friends because she’s afraid of being judged. I keep telling her she’s the one who was betrayed and I’m the one who will be judged.

I want nothing more than for her to heal. Of course, I wish that healing could include me, but I know that might not be possible. Whether she stays or goes, I want to support her recovery in any way I can.

So I’m asking: what can I do now? Do I give her space and move to the other side of the house (moving out isn’t possible at this point)? Do I try to talk to her, or is that selfish right now? I just want to help her find a path through this pain.

- Someone with less integrity than before

So I’m asking: what can I do now? Do I give her space and move to the other side of the house (moving out isn’t possible at this point)? Do I try to talk to her, or is that selfish right now? I just want to help her find a path through this pain.

I know I don’t have the answers to your questions.

Every betrayed has their own responses and needs. And those needs are going to be erratic and often times contradictory, so buckle up. My advice is to be humble and contrite and avoid any personal need to defend yourself, even if she accuses you of things that are not accurate. Remember, she’s probably going to feel like everything has been a lie. It will take time, if even possible, for her to see things as they are, not as her imagination will take her.

You seem to have the right attitude. It is going to be a very hard and long road ahead.

Asterisk

I am in the very early stages of reconciling so have no wisdom to offer compared to others who will respond. That said, I know the community on this site has been a huge help for me. I hope in the coming years I can be similarly helpful to repay the universe for all the time and effort from those who post regularly. I would encourage you to continue to post and engage.

Only other comment is that managing the shame is a challenge, but critical so you can be supportive when your partner needs you. I battle the shame spiral on the daily even though I know how destructive it is. No words of wisdom, but want you to know that you are not alone in those feelings.

Someone with less integrity than before

You are showing care and empathy for your wife. If you match that with honesty, active support, and deep self introspection, then you are actually someone who is stepping into integrity. I hope that is the case.

Listen to her and answer all of her questions honestly, but don't volunteer any physical details of the PA unless she asks.

And when you get the chance or see an opening, apologize. Then apologize again. And again, and again, and again. Make it sincere. Make it more than just "I'm sorry." Tell her why you're sorry, for hurting her and betraying her trust. You literally cannot apologize enough.

UN1986: Stay completely away from alcohol and drugs. You are saying that it is no excuse, but you are using it for an excuse. Drugs and alcohol make users/abusers not care. Why did you not want to care? What about STDs and an unwanted pregnancy involving your AP? You don't think it will happen to you? My STBX also used this for his excuse, but refused to give it up after I told him no more drugs and alcohol or we are done. So, instead he decides to use and lie. Drugs and lies everyday, until DDay years later. When the horrifying truth is discovered.

Thank you for the replies. I have a lot work and considering to do. I want to repair the damage I caused for my BS. I know it will take years, and more than likely end in D, however, I owe it to her. I will forever be reminded my treachery and forever be indebted to its damage.

UN1986: Stay completely away from alcohol and drugs. You are saying that it is no excuse, but you are using it for an excuse. Drugs and alcohol make users/abusers not care. Why did you not want to care? What about STDs and an unwanted pregnancy involving your AP? You don't think it will happen to you? My STBX also used this for his excuse, but refused to give it up after I told him no more drugs and alcohol or we are done. So, instead he decides to use and lie. Drugs and lies everyday, until DDay years later. When the horrifying truth is discovered.

While I agree that cutting out any drugs or alcohol is very good advice, and would be a good sign of contrition, I was a serious (but high functioning) alcoholic for decades. I also used to grow my own weed ('legally' - I had a card). I've never once even so much as kissed another girl in my 27 years of marriage, and have had more than a couple of opportunities. As for OP, I'd just drop the "I was drunk and high" part. It comes across as an excuse, and it really doesn't matter.

My wife? I could count the number of times she's drank in her life on one hand, with fingers left over, and she's the one who stepped outside of our marriage. I hadn't had a drink in over a decade at that point. I've resigned myself to the fact that "why" is a question I don't think will ever be answered.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:40 PM, Wednesday, September 17th]

It’s been a week since D-Day, and if anyone were an outside observer, they'd think I’m the BS. I’ve been a mess, emotionally drained, mentally wrecked, sick to my stomach. I just had my first full meal yesterday. I took the whole week off from work because I couldn’t stop spiraling. There were panic attacks every day. I’m still shocked and disgusted. Not looking for pity nor do I deserve it, just sharing.

Visually, my BS seems to be improving. She’s definitely better than she was earlier in the week, but watching her go through this has been painful. We’ve had deep conversations every day, and though she wants to make this work, she’s been very clear that things might change. I accept that. She’s more measured than I expected. We had a weekend that felt almost normal. I’ve reminded her, we can’t just ignore everything and pretend nothing happened. I suspect the shock hasn’t worn off.

I think what’s helping her though is that we’ve moved past a similar situation before, even though it wasn’t as deep of a betrayal and we questioned whether she was drugged (which was never determined and left doubts for awhile). But I forgave her, and that empathy is really what’s giving her strength right now.

I also wrote her a letter this week, which I read to her, where I explained why I did what I did. I talked about my mindset in the months leading up to it, and how I ended up making the decision that night. Ultimately, I’m the one who made the choice. Everything else is influence and speaks to root of my issues. I think the letter helped both of us. In it, I told her that what I did wasn’t because of her or something she did (or didn’t do), even though I know that’s a hard thing to understand. It was about me and my own selfishness. I also shared my plan for self-improvement, to make sure I never put myself in this situation again. I’m committed to quitting alcohol and drugs, going to counseling to work on communication and decision-making, identifying the deeper issues that are holding me back, and making amends where I can regardless of our outcome. We have our first MC session this week and she has signed up for IC. I hope they help her.

I’m holding on to hope, but the logical side of me knows this is going to take time and may never work out and that’s hard for me to fully accept.