Its been awhile since I posted here. Small recap of my situation I had a physical affair as well as sexted with people online. Completely destroyed my wife and blew up my marriage.
I just wanted to come back and give a update to hopefully help someone that is in the position I was. I remember coming in, I was in a desperate state of wanting to save my marriage and I received great advice in this forum.
My wife and I did a in house separation and it was rough and at the time it was hard for me to see that it was exactly what I needed in order to actually start working on myself.
Having to give up on trying to control the outcome was the scariest part. Having to accept the reality that my marriage was over the moment i decided to have the affair was painful. I was trying to hold onto something that didn't even exist anymore.
My wife started drinking heavily, and I sobered up. I started doing the work on myself. Working on my whys, taking a moral inventory of my character defects, learning to let go of the shame, and guilt. That doesn't mean I dont regret my choices and my actions because I do, but I've learned im allowed to move past that. That's just a part of my story, but im allowed to rewrite my character. Im allowed to take my character defects and turn them into character strengths.
Honesty, for example, is huge to me, I refuse to lie anymore. I always tell the truth even if it's gonna hurt feelings. Integrity is another big one for me, I do the right thing even if no one is watching to see it.
If you want to move past the worst version of yourself, it is going to take hard work, and it's going to take you being honest to yourself about yourself.
Letting go of the outcome of your marriage and focusing on healing yourself is the best advice that I received, and it's also the best advice I can give.
My wife has since become open to reconciling. She told me she could see the changes in me that I implemented and that she wanted to work on being the best version of herself as well. (Not that the version of her deserved anything i did) She quit drinking and is focusing on healing herself. As much as I wanna heal her and fix all the pieces of her I broke, I can't. I heal me, she heals her and then together we heal us.
We've since decided to give it another go, our in house separation has ended, I moved back in our bedroom and work toward gaining her trust back, that comes in the form of letting her have the passcode to everything I have, phone, email etc. A lot of times, I'll leave my phone inside on the kitchen counter while I do yard work just to give her the chance to go through it if she'd like. Sometimes, it comes in the form of hard conversations, I answer all the questions she has open, and honestly, I do weekly check-ins like how are you feeling about us? Is there anything you need from me? Is there any areas im lacking in or am I over stepping in any areas? If I say im gonna do something, i make sure I follow through. If I say im gonna be home by a certain time, I make sure im there. My location stays on. And even though she's the BS, she does these same things for me too. Our old marriage is gone and we are building our new marriage in the ashes of what was and are creating the marriage we want.
The journey is still ongoing for us and thats the thing, I never wanna stop trying to be the best version of myself. I never wanna get comfortable in my marriage again. I never wanna be so foolish as to think I could never lose her or she'll never leave. The difference is now I know that if she does leave ill survive and ill have something to offer someone else beside the worst version of myself.
I realize not everyone has reconciliation as a option and in that case please hear me when I say that you are worth healing and doing the hard work and growing for. You are worth changing for. If your BS never comes back that doesnt mean its over for you.
The best way to say im sorry is by changed behavior. That goes to your BS and its goes to yourself. Forgiveness is needed. Shame and guilt will swallow you alive if you let it. It's okay to sit in it for a minute but dont stay there. Show yourself grace, show yourself mercy and work on your personal growth. You wont regret it.
