SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Moving forward from the destructive nature of infidelity, is a sputter and start, lurch and lunge, forward and backward evolution. I believe this to be true whether the choice is to reconcile or divorce.

Our goal, from the beginning, was to reconcile. We both desired to push the painful process of progress more forward than backwards. There were dangerous moments when raising the white flag in defeat was more appealing than the daunting effort to advance as a couple. However, there did come a time when the push to rebuild out outweighed the push to dismantle.

The brutality of infidelity doesn’t, if both the wayward and the betrayed don’t let it, have to clear the decks of all things wonderful.

Asterisk.

I think the only goal I had after my wife’s confession — was to understand the best I could.

I had to reassemble my life.

I had to take apart the mythology of my M and put it back together and see what reality looked like.

Then I chased down as much of the truth as was possible and figure out what is was I being asked to accept or overcome.

Then, I had to see if my wife was capable of both understanding the damage she created and accept responsibility for it all.

Some basic counseling to see if my wife had a path back to being a better partner or if she would turn away from us again when the M faced adversity.

I think my first year of recovery was far more about having the energy to learn while I was dealing with the emotional trauma of it all.

We had a week or so in there after year one, when we both considered the damage was too much to overcome.

Then, after we were both resigned to the idea it was over, that’s when something unique happened — we kept being nice to each other. We kept trying anyway.

There was something substantial about each of us letting go of a specific outcome and then looking for ways to see what happened next.

Our goal then, to rebuild was somewhere in year two, but I just didn’t have enough information to know what I wanted until then either.

I think it's valid to hold reconciliation as a goal, but I personally believe it's more successful when divorce is accepted as a viable outcome. For that reason, I'm not in love with the white flag metaphor. For some folks, divorce isn't defeat, it's validation of their own needs and triumph over fear of moving forward alone.

That being said, I'm glad that your R has been successful, and I appreciate the encouragement of people who are in the depths of the work.

Oldwounds,

I have read a lot of your responses here at SI and have found your thoughts to be solid. I admire you and your wife for the work you both must have done to achieve a happy relationship. It is not an easy task.

Asterisk

BraveSirRobin,

For that reason, I'm not in love with the white flag metaphor. For some folks, divorce isn't defeat, it's validation of their own needs and triumph over fear of moving forward alone.

You are 100% right to call me out on the metaphor I used. It was very poorly thought out. I agree that divorce is a reasonable resolve in the reconciliation process. In fact, I believe I and my wife would have benefited by understanding, pre infidelity and post infidelity, that divorce was an option for either of us to take. But the faith we held at that time did not allow for this option. I no longer hold that belief and am in full support of those who find that that is their best or even only option. Thank you for thoughtfully pointing out the inaccuracy of my words.

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