SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I didn't want to thread-jack Butterfly's thread, so I'm going to ask this here. There was some discussion about not taking each other for granted in that thread, and I've never really understood that. For me, the whole point of getting married - i.e. entering into a lifelong commitment - was to be able to take certain things for granted.

I took for granted that he would be faithful, loving, and honest, and that he would take those things for granted about me. I took for granted that he would have my back, and I his. I took for granted that we would provide each other moral support. I took for granted that he would do the chores or errands he said he'd do, and I made sure to keep my word about the same. I took for granted that he wouldn't abuse or neglect our child, and again vice versa.

Aren't we granting these core commitments to each other when we take vows? If I *didn't* take them for granted, I'd be stressed out, anxious, and constantly double checking (which is exactly what happened after DDay). I couldn't live in a marriage where I couldn't take such fundamental behaviors for granted.

This is (to me) different from expressing affection, respect, and love. "Taking for granted" is the same as "can be counted upon", but maybe others see it as the equivalent of abusing their partner's kindness? What am I not getting?

I took for granted that he would be faithful, loving, and honest, and that he would take those things for granted about me.

NoThanksForTheMemories I understand why you referred back to my thread because I think this is such an important distinction.

I absolutely agree that marriage and long term partnership should come with certain core assumptions and safety. Fidelity. Honesty. Loyalty. Emotional safety. Mutual care. Those are not unreasonable things to take for granted because otherwise, as you said, people end up living in hypervigilance rather than partnership.

I think where some of us are talking about "taking each other for granted" after infidelity is more the quiet drift into assuming the relationship will survive regardless of how emotionally present, attentive or protective we are towards it.

For me personally betrayal completely changed the meaning of safety and certainty inside a relationship. Before I thought trust meant "I never need to question this" and now I think trust is probably something more conscious and actively maintained than I realised before.

In terms of a marriage or a relationship, like Butterfly said, the things you listed should be expected. When you start forgetting to be grateful for your partner for doing them, or if someone cheats and expects the relationship will still be just fine, that where I think 'taking [things] for granted' starts. I try to express gratitude for everything my H does for our family, and how much I love him, on a regular basis so he doesn't feel taken for granted.

Taking for granted meant to me that I could rely on certain things in the marriage. After 30 years together I did take things for granted.

I never mistreated or was abusive to my H. Just as he could trust I would always be there, I did the same.

Somehow that was "a reason" (actually his stupid justification) to cheat. He was bored and was looking for something else— think new and exciting.

To him, that justified cheating.

I might be coming over as the least romantic poster on this site…
I think a big failure many do is making assumptions about marriage and relationships. I wish there was a 100-item checklist that couples needed to address and discuss – maybe even a written exam… - before you got to say "I do".
Like… this site is all about emotional and sexual infidelity, and I venture that probably 95% or more that marry realize and know sexual fidelity is a general expectation, but I fear the percentage lowers or at least the intention to follow expectations once we start talking financial fidelity, physical abuse fidelity, sharing time fidelity and all the other fidelity and expectations in a marriage. I venture that at least half the arguments in a new marriage are about unmet expectations, or unreal expectations. After all – if mom was fine with picking up my dirty socks and underwear from the floor then why aren’t you?

Just because as a single man you spent Saturday mornings from 8 to 1 playing ball with the "guys" and downing beers then that might not chime in when you have a partner, a new house that needs taking care of and maybe even a couple of kids. The expectation that you leave your bachelor life behind would have been question 34-36 on my checklist… Just like question 23 where the new wife accepts her days of grinding on the dancefloor with the cute surfer-dude that’s hitting on her are over… The dirty socks and pants is addressed in question 82…

I kiss my wife before heading for the office, and again a peck when I get home. It’s expected. It’s "normal". It’s taken for granted. It’s not intended to arouse either of us, nor feed some passion or keep some flame burning. The good-night kiss is just as likely to land on a shoulder or forehead as the lips, and who wants to waste the fresh feeling of a newly brushed mouth on a passionate French kiss to your partner of years?
Yet there is something oddly comforting in this action. We both feel something is missing if either one of us rushes out without the peck. Or at least an attempt at a peck. She will turn and admonish me if I forget to peck her good-night. It’s taken for granted.

To me – this is OK. It’s fine that some things are taken for granted. Life would be too complex if we had to validate and acknowledge each action done by our partner and were expecting the same from them. I do the dishes while she does the laundry. We both take that for granted. No need for high-fives because one of us pays the bills for this month. I don’t need to be told that nobody takes the trash out as well as I do and she appreciates it. But… we might comment on how we together manage a tight household and thereby validate OUR actions together.

The key might be a mutual "taken for granted". I meet her expectations, and she meets mine.

I just think that the connotation of "taking [something or someone] for granted" is that the awareness of and/or appreciation for the expectations being met has dissipated. Like people tend to use it in the negative sense of the phrase.

Like if a person is doing the laundry for the whole family, that might be meeting an explicit, agreed-upon expectation for how the mutual responsibilities are divided. But if her spouse makes some thoughtless comment about her not pulling their weight, or "hardly ever doing laundry" the first time he runs out of clean socks to wear, she might think "Does he think his clothes just magically reappear, clean and hung up in his closet, after he throws them in the hamper?" That's what I think of when I hear "being taken for granted."

Or like, if a SAHP starts spending out of control without thinking about their spouse having to work more or harder to finance the spending, and their spouse thinks, "Do they think I'm just made of money?" That's feeling "taken for granted."

And that doesn't mean one has to say "thank you" after every bill is paid or every article of clothing washed. Just like, every once in a while one might say, "Thanks for providing for us so well. I appreciate that we can afford the things we need, and many of the things we want, because I know you work hard for us." Or "Thanks for keeping the house running. I know it's a lot to keep up with day in and day out."

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 7:55 PM, Wednesday, May 27th]