She’s running scared.
Fair and accurate.
Replace " doesn't want to " with " her nervous system won't let her ".
Its is a combination of a personality disorder, no meds, a bad therapist ( ironically the only one she ever liked and would talk to ), attachment style, a midlife empty nest crisis and...
Then there's me added to it. Clueless, ignorant, anxious, impatient and blunt. A fixer of everything. I had no idea what was going on or how to navigate it, i found every wrong way to try to hold us together and unknowingly pushed her way too hard to fix us.
I put so much pressure on her the last two or so years, I'm amazed she lasted as long as she did.
What im saying is that this is not all on her. I knew she had some issues and I pushed and pushed untill...
I have had a lot of therapy in the last few months, and I mean A LOT! Some to keep me proped up and functioning, some for grief, but mostly unpacking my whys and education on cluster b and avoidant/anxious attachment and it goes on.
My point is, learning about and understanding what is happening, and has happened, is shining light on my half of the damage.
It is significant. Ignorance is no excuse.
Now im not saying she can come back to open arms and warm welcomes, but I refuse to impose hate on someone that is both my victim and my perpetrator.
The damage has happened, the die cast, the deed done.
Legal and emotional support have both recommended that patience is not a problem and a resonable course of action. I understand why.
The credit lock down is happening, the divorce process had begun, and I'm waiting, very impatiently, for test results and a break out to confirm or deny the existence of a sex life for me after this.
I have offered to cover any and all expenses the kids might suffer as a result of needing therapy, not that I really have it to give.
I'm just so fukin tired.
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I just noticed in this post and my last, I contradicted myself.
[This message edited by alsdaboss at 7:13 PM, Friday, August 28th]
