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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:21 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

These are just thoughts b/c obviously this is so confusing and complex I wouldn’t presume to offer a real solution, but…

1. It sounds like you really are a great mother (from your post its obvious..kind, thoughtful, involved, you have boundaries, you seek balance,and all the rest) so your kids are blessed and that is what is going to determine their emotional wellbeing more than anything
2. Kids only half listen to what their grandparents say anyway and from 12 on up it will become less and less

3. When I was in somewhat similar situation with my truly intolerable FIL I eventually started just saying straight to his face or via text or whatever what I honestly thought. I found it very helpful and liberating. After I told him directly (not through my people pleasing spouse) that I thought something was inappropriate or rude or whatever I would even find myself less angry at him. At this point he is in his mid-80s and it has come full circle and I am helping care for him somewhat. He treats me with kid gloves now because he learned I will call him out. Now he’s just a sad old man who will die in the next year or two. I wish I had not wasted mental energy on him.

Beat the unholy shit out of her!

If that doesn't work (probably won't and not really a good idea anyway) then you're left with a good long talk. If that fails then dump it all on your husband, he ought to be the one dealing with his own mother.

Stone wall. Your daughter has something important to do on the days she would be visiting your MIL. Then do something all day to cover yourself. Do it every time. If, and when, your daughter feels comfortable going again then agree.
You can explain boundaries to her and that is why she is uncomfortable when your MIL steps over them. Tell her the best answer she can give is, "I don’t know." It might be too hard for her to say this but if she wants to she can say, "Please don’t talk about my mom. I love her."

I had two grandmothers. One I loved being around and the other made me uncomfortable. Guess which one I chose. I got pretty good at avoiding the other one.

How about having a chat with your daughter reiterating that you and her are a team. Her well being is your responsibility and your priority. Grandma is family but not a part of her
primary family unit. Let her know how you would want her to respond when grandma makes negative comments, " I love my mom and don’t want to hear anything negative about her. I am here to spend time with you so let’s keep it positive. " .

Use this as an opportunity for your daughter to learn how to be firm and set boundaries without being confrontational.

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:22 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

This is a truly awful thought, and I worry it may cause you more distress, but it's a genuine contemplation I've had.

I remember your previous thread about your husband recording your arguments, and it stuck with me. It sounded to me then that he might be doing so in order to portray you as abusive, should you divorce. Now, with how your mother-in-law is reportedly trying to manipulate your daughter's perception, it's starting to paint a concerning picture.

I could be wrong, as this is purely speculative, but is it possible he's getting his ducks in a row to initiate a divorce and is gathering evidence to try and give himself the best shot at custody?

Your husbands supposed pushing back against MIL could be purely performative so you don't click on to what he's planning.

My apologies if this is nonsense; it's purely a worry of mine.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:03 AM, Wednesday, July 16th]

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:22 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

I'm glad to hear you're confident it was a manipulation tactic on his part. That would indeed be truly evil.

You obviously know far more about your situation than I ever could, but if I'm being entirely honest, after reading your story, I'm not sure why you're staying at this point. I understand the desire to keep the family unit together, if that's a factor. However, I'm UK-based too, and it feels like half of my friends growing up came from divorced homes. While UK divorce rates stand at around 42 percent, it seems even more common amongst my generation and younger, with older demographics pushing that overall statistic up.

I hope you find peace either way.

Perhaps family therapy. Since the affair is known having a safe place to air out fears and anger might be beneficial. Tread lightly though because there is already so much damage. What you want is a child who enters puberty without the unresolved rage that causes teenagers to act out. As a social worker I routinely see this if the child can’t get to a safe place emotionally before the first hormone hits.
Your h needs to have a therapist to get him out from under whatever his mother dumped on him as a child. Her behavior did not just start. She has been this way his whole life and he needs new coping skills. His overall behavior is his childishness which makes me wonder at his maturity level.
All of this has been dumped on you. It might mean having friends do sleepovers at your house instead of hers. If that would work it might begin to separate your daughter from her grandmother. Your poor child has taken on the role of peacekeeper in the family. This is too much for a child. Please use a professional that your family physician or a friend knows and trusts recommends. You can’t do this heavy lifting by yourself.

I am so sorry to read this.

Having a very similar experience with my MIL (she disliked me about 6 months into our dating relationship) it’s very difficult to know what to do.

My H chose to cut off his mother because of her behavior. He had no choice. She refused to speak to me so it became a very easy decision.

I suggest you do the same. At this point no contact is the only option. You have tried to maintain a relationship w/ her but she’s causing damage to your child.

And protecting your child is your first priority.