SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's not that R is or is not a 'shit sandwich'. Rather, it's a hit sandwich for some and not for others.

I don’t think for one second that being in R is a shit sandwich. It’s probably the best gift anyone can give to a spouse that really doesn’t deserve it. Those who get there truly all seem very happy and content with their choice. That is true R with a marriage of equals.

My point, as with others here, eating the sandwich, or accepting the unacceptable is part of the process that the BS needs to go through in order to get there. Like I said they never have to like their spouse having an affair, but at some point they accept it.

Just like the WS knows that in most cases what they have done has tarnished the marriage and that their BS will never have the same trust in them. In a way this is a shit sandwich the WS has to eat, but the difference is they were the one that prepared the dish and served it to themselves

I don't think of R as a shit sandwich at all. However, I do think the shit sandwich is the intense betrayal - there is not backing out of the amount of effort it takes to climb out of the trauma it causes no matter if you R or D. It changes you - and we get to decide if we are going to take it or fight to get something better for ourselves. It is the foisting on us we disdain but must accept. It's the same if a natural disaster struck our home destroying everything - we don't like it, we are devastated by it, and yet we must do something to rebuild. We have to ultimately accept that the home we had is gone. We just don't have a choice. That's the shit sandwich we are dealt with infidelity.

I think accepting that it happened and it is devastating is a giant leap towards our recovery. That's when we get to decide what we allow in our lives moving forward. For some it isn't rebuilding to R. For others it is. One of those choices equal shit to some of us and not others.

For those who feel like I do...what is YOUR perspective? WHY do you feel there was NO shit sandwich you ate when you decided to R? Are you in R?

I am in R, I am in love, and I am grateful for the soft rain kissing my flower garden this Sunday afternoon!

(I am most likely also making some people puke. Which is funny because i'm talking about love, soft rain, and flowers, as opposed to shit).

I don't believe in the shit sandwich. However, I do believe shit happens. I think a person's perspective (of a situation, of themselves, etc) has a huge bearing on how they deal with adversity. I also think a person's ability to adapt to (regroup or reframe a situation) has a huge bearing on how they deal with adversity. Additionally, I think a person's ability to step back from, and look at something from the outside (versus taking everything so personally), has a huge bearing on how they deal with adversity. And maybe lastly, I think a person's ability to accept some responsibility and to consider their own faults and weaknesses (in a given situation) has a huge bearing on their ability to deal with stress and adversity.

Then again, sometimes I think it's as simple as believing your signature quote: A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

A lot can be said about realizing we are all imperfect, and simply refusing to give up.

Love, Marie

It's a rather cynical way of saying that you have to accept some ugly truths about your partner and your relationship history.

...thank you for your perspective HardKnocks . That word..."accept"...is as bad for me as "shit sandwich"!!!

It's not that R is or is not a 'shit sandwich'. Rather, it's a hit sandwich for some and not for others.

I LOVE this too sisoon!!!

My point, as with others here, eating the sandwich, or accepting the unacceptable is part of the process that the BS needs to go through in order to get there. Like I said they never have to like their spouse having an affair, but at some point they accept it.

...thank you for your perspective on this waitedwaytoolong . This is what made me start this thread...because this is not my perspective at all. It sure is interesting to see all of these perspectives!!

I do think the shit sandwich is the intense betrayal - there is not backing out of the amount of effort it takes to climb out of the trauma it causes no matter if you R or D.

...thank you for your perspective ISurvivedSoFar . That effort you wrote about...to climb out of the trauma...that was what I was writing about how I felt I got shit on .

I am in R, I am in love, and I am grateful for the soft rain kissing my flower garden this Sunday afternoon!

...that is such a LOVELY sentiment ohmy_marie...NO puking here !!!

I don't believe in the shit sandwich. However, I do believe shit happens. I think a person's perspective (of a situation, of themselves, etc) has a huge bearing on how they deal with adversity.

...thank you for your perspective . I very definitely can relate to this!

Depends on whether you are using shit as a noun or adjective. But yeah, it's a shit sandwich...

Decisions that you now must live with were made for you, unilaterally and without your control, and none of them benefitted you it's not like someone bought you a winning lottery ticket without asking and left it on your desk at work. It's more like being sent to prison while being innocent.

My personal perspective of this journey … the easiest person to lie to is yourself, and I see a lot of people lying to themselves to justify attempting to R. Some will be honest with themselves and accept their life for what it now is, but most will simply lie to themselves to try to create a better past.

Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not talking about your quality of life now or in the future. I’m talking about coming to terms with the betrayal and pain of the past by the one you trusted most that can’t be undone. THAT is indeed a shit sandwich, whether you accept it or not, and the only way to avoid it is to D and remove the source of the shit from your life.

FWIW, I’ve been cheated on and D’d and cheated on and R’d (if that’s even possible), but I never dealt with the shit sandwich the first time as I simply closed the door on the past.

It's more like being sent to prison while being innocent.

Very interesting perspective Justsomeguy . For ME...when my H confessed to his A...I told him the M was OVER. I was now FREE!! Maybe it was because I had experienced it from when my 1st H cheated...but I KNEW I would be alright being on my own. I REFUSED to ever be married to someone who would disrespect me like that. From MY perspective...that is exactly what happened. Our M as we knew it DIED that day. BUT...we are now in Mv2.0...and it is even BETTER than ever .

I’m talking about coming to terms with the betrayal and pain of the past by the one you trusted most that can’t be undone. THAT is indeed a shit sandwich, whether you accept it or not, and the only way to avoid it is to D and remove the source of the shit from your life.

Thank you for your perspective ButAnyway. It sounds like you are one who isn't in R because of the "shit sandwich"? If that is the case...I truly HOPE you can find a way to PEACE Dear Sir.

You misunderstand … I am at peace with my present and future. I’ve accepted that I can’t mislead myself into believing in a better past, and while at peace with my present and future, it will always be "less than". However, I’ve accepted my decision to R for a variety of reasons, most of which were practical, rather than romantic without having to blow sunshine up my own ass. I can still enjoy, even love my W and our largely fulfilling retirement years, but my blind trust and complete respect were casualties of her own actions.

There is PEACE in ACCEPTANCE.

I reflect often on an old saying … "That which can not be changed, must be endured".

Thank you for clarifying ButAnyway...this makes me very HAPPY to know you are at PEACE . The PAST cannot be undone. If it could...my H would have moved Heaven and Earth to undo what he did. That is on HIS part. For ME...my past brings me peace as well . I didn't destroy our M...I didn't do anything but be the a loving and faithful spouse. That past...or shit sandwich from your perspective...is all on HIM.

I USED to believe that my M would be "less than" what it COULD have been had my H not cheated. Thank God..that has proven to be untrue for US . WE rebuilt our M to surpass what we ever thought it could have been...and WE couldn't be happier .

I have a couple of quotes I reflect on as well . One of my favorites is: "You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind."

Decisions that you now must live with were made for you, unilaterally and without your control, and none of them benefitted you it's not like someone bought you a winning lottery ticket without asking and left it on your desk at work. It's more like being sent to prison while being innocent.

Perfect analogy, JSG.

I don't think R is a shit sandwich. I believe acceptance is the shit sandwich. I am only speaking about ME,and how I feel. I am not trying to project my opinion into anyone else's situation.

For ME,deciding to stay with a man who abused me(and I absolutely believe infidelity is abuse), was the shit sandwich. I had a very abusive childhood. So staying with someone who abused me was very challenging for me. That was the shit sandwich.

I also think its very important that we remember that not everyone has the same kind of ws. Some of you have amazing FWS, who truly get it,did all the work,etc. Some of us who have reconciled(and I AM reconciled by MY standards), have a remorseful WS who has never cheated since dday,has been completely honest, stayed NC,etc. But fell short of getting it,and doing all the work. So when you say R,or anything involving your situation hasn't been a shit sandwich, you have been very blessed. Not everyone has that. That doesn't mean you are any happier,or miserable,than the rest of us. It simply means your experience has been different.

For anyone to say they don't believe in the SW,or that it doesn't exist, please remember, you don't speak for everyone's situation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:30 PM, Monday, August 15th]

I don't think R is a shit sandwich. I believe acceptance is the shit sandwich.

Thank you for your perspective HellFire .

I also think its very important that we remember that not everyone has the same kind of ws.

No doubt about that!!! This was why I chose D with my 1st WH...and R with my 2nd WH. They were so different...I just KNEW my 2nd H would NEVER cheat...he just didn't have it in him. How WRONG I was . Sadly...that was the ONE thing he had in common with my 1st H . Thankfully...the way he acted toward the mercy I showed him...showed ME that he was worth trying to R with. I was RIGHT about that thought .

For anyone to say they don't believe in the SW,or that it doesn't exist, please remember, you don't speak for everyone's situation.

Correct again. That is why having all of these different perspectives...in different forms of R or D...may be helpful to others who are just now going through this process . ALL of our situations are different...and those of us happily in R are just as sane and true to ourselves as those who are on a different path.