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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:16 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

What stands out to me is that you made an agreement on d-day. He violated the agreement and lied about it.

You say, ' I don't know, nothing feels right 😣.'

It looks like you're ignoring reality, but that could be just the surface. Are you in denial?

Broken agreements and lies kill relationships.

Sadly I think this stuff is going to keep happening and your other post about no change in 3 years just confirms this. My advice is going to be the same as on your other post. You are going to have to detach and not care about this kind of stuff since it is upsetting to you and why wouldn't it be it breaks your boundaries.

He lies, deflects and blames you for your reactions. This is not R or a remorseful spouse.

You are not overreacting and you feel this way because he is not changing, he is still wayward and he's not remorseful. I think this is just another example of why you need to detach.

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:16 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

Eventually this is going to wear you down and you will automatically start detaching ask me how I know I stayed far too long in my M. Sometimes it just takes that final straw to break us and we are done. I'm so sorry. The only thing I can suggest is to sit with your emotions and just let them out. Then start an active process to detach. Stop listening to him and start living your life for you. I wouldn't do much for him, let him deal with himself. Don't look at his device, don't ask him any questions, don't expect anything different. Maybe he will notice maybe not, but the more you practice the 180 you will be less inclined to care about anything in regards to him.

He says he made the video for himself?

Seems strange to me.

What does he need a video for when the live action is right in front of him?

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:17 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

He lied and told you that the door to his secret sexual basement was sealed, but it's not. He might even have wanted to never look at porn again and believed himself when he said he really meant it, that he was done this time.

IMO, the expanded access to porn that the internet facilitated is one of the worst things that happened to our society in the last thirty years. I believe that most men use it, and most users hide and/or lie about the frequency of their usage. I'm also of the opinion that setting a boundary about a partner's porn usage is almost always going to backfire.

From Psychology Today: "Using a set of metrics that includes indicators of monthly unique visitors as well as monthly pageviews, the authors found that the top three pornography sites are more highly ranked than the most well-known household name sites (Amazon, Netflix, Yahoo) as well as those that are the most up and coming (TikTok, OpenAI/ChatGPT, Zoom).

Exactly how great is this disparity? In a word, huge. Xvideos, the top-ranked pornography site, had 700,000,000 more total visits than Amazon and 900,000,000, 1,100,000,000, 1,300,000,000, 1,500,000,000, and 1,800,000,000 more total visits than TikTok, OpenAI, LinkedIn, Netflix, and The Weather Channel, respectively."

I don't know about you, but I find that stunning. That's what we're up against.

The porn use is the least of your problems.

He appears to have an addiction to both porn and lying.

I’d suggest seeing an attorney to move forward with him leaning the home.

I’d suggest professional counseling for you. It will
Help You process all of the lies and misinformation he has fed you.

And lastly, STOP having conversations about his porn use, Videos, when he made the promise to stop porn and when he actually stopped etc.

You already know everything you need to know. He’s a liar and cannot be trusted.

Make plans for a happier future, whatever that may be.

Agree with 1st wife that it’s an addiction. And with most addictions there is relapse. The problem with a porn addiction is it’s so much harder to detect the relapses. If it were drugs or alcohol there would be more visibility of it.

My husband has refused to stop watching it, point blank, so I know how this feels. I had to make a choice about that, and the compromises we have made has seemed to work okay. Not ideal, but it keeps us open on it. (Not suggesting this for you at all, just relying my own experiences with it to say I understand what some of this is like)

I am not sure I am buying what he is selling here. If you want to watch yourself masturbate, you would think he would do it in the mirror. I can’t imagine he wants to play it back for himself, so why record it? I just wouldn’t buy this at face value.

Eventually this is going to wear you down and you will automatically start detaching ask me how I know

I'm seconding what crazyblindsided wrote above. Eventually, you will be so exhausted from the vigilance and the secrecy that your brain will give up and you will arrive at "I don't care" with a heaping side "Leave me alone."

In the meantime, I will share a lesson I learned along the way: it's not so much the details of what they did, when, how, why, etc. That is detective work that we (the betrayed spouses) do because subconsciously, it's easier than facing the consequences. They kept secrets. They hid things that should not have been hidden between spouses. They broke their word, and they aren't able to simply say, "I'm sorry. I did something wrong, and I shouldn't have." We're looking for them to own up to their mistakes rather than covering up because that would indicate a worthwhile change. When that doesn't happen, we get deeply upset because not only have they done something wrong, but our expectations have been destroyed (again).

This is why I got really confused when our MC said to let go of expectations. There are certain behaviors in a relationship that we naturally expect of our partners/spouses, and some of those - like honesty, transparency, empathy, support - are integral to attachment. When those expectations aren't met, we are not only disappointed, we're hurt. This is why people call betrayal of trust a form of emotional abuse. Because when it happens, it causes pain.

WhiskeyBlues, I would suggest to you that you step back from the details and try to see the big picture here. What really matters here is that he violated your trust again, and now you have to decide what you're going to do.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 9:39 PM, Tuesday, April 22nd]

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:17 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:17 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

The thing about porn is that there's a lot of shame surrounding it. I'd say that most of the time you're going to get range of dishonest answers if you ask someone about the details of their porn usage, ranging from minimization to outright lies. And like I said above, trying to set boundaries about porn usage usually leads to trouble.

I don't have any boundaries about porn with my H, mostly because I know it's futile. There have been a couple of times in the past where he said that he had initiated a plan to stop using it, of his own accord, but he either didn't or he went back to it, and there was never a conversation about resuming usage. It's kind of like "it is what it is", and I can either spend a lot of energy being mad about it, or I can just accept that he's going to use it, and that most men do.

I learned my lesson the hard way that if you try to get in between an addict and their "drug of choice" you're going to come out on the losing end. Many people are addicted to porn to one degree or another, ranging from not being able/willing to stop using it to becoming completely obsessive. I can't remember the name of the memoir, but the author's husband died and she found a giant stash of carefully categorized porn files on her H's computer and on several hard drives. She dug a little and found that he had been spending hours every day adding to and organizing his collection. She had no idea. He was also doing all sorts of other secret sexual stuff, like cheating and using escorts.

I'm sick of the whole topic of the secret sexual basement. If something ever happens to my H, I'll likely never marry again. I'd rather not have to deal with someone else's weird, secret SHIT. Like filming oneself masturbating. I find that super sketchy, especially since your gut is pinging and he's been acting weird. It wouldn't be surprising to find out that he's crossed some pretty serious boundaries.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:31 PM, Tuesday, April 22nd]

2 orgasms in 18 months... Nope not happening un less there is some underlying medical condition but that obviously isn't the problem here.

Alright I'm gonna throw something out there that might cause some to sharpen their pitch forks...

I have zero desire to look at porn. A decade ago I may have looked at it twice a month but the OTC drug was my wife's vagina. Not only that but we talk a lot about what we want and experiment and it has progressed into leaving me always "filled up". I also have zero desire to look for fulfilment elsewhere. You are deep into this R, what do you have to lose at this point VS what do you have to gain?

What if, you just gave yourself to him. What is worse case scenario here. You tell him tomorrow morning you want him to bend you over tonight so you are on his mind all day. How could this play out?

Mind you I haven't read the full details of your situation I'm on my phone and it's a pain in the butt to navigate around but I mean you chose to stay apparently so why not.. F-it. I know this might be unorthodox but honestly perhaps you have everything to gain and nothing to lose here... I don't know just food for thought I'd really like you to just be happy.

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:18 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

I'm assuming there is no intimacy in the relationship for these 18 months? To withold itimacy from a WH who sought sexual fufillment elsewhere for this long seems like a receipe for disaster. Again, I'm not an advocate for R for reasons like this.. but I think any man with a functioning endocrine system is naturally going to seek this out as it becomes an itch that needs to be scratched. I just believe you run the risk of him eventually repeating bad behaviors if there isn't attempts at intimacy... almost like setting him up for failure. Sorry I'm not trying to be cold to the situation I can get how you probably have no desire for him but too just hope for success here while working against the mechanics of the brain seems frivolous. After this long if you don't want to aide in the R just go for D perhaps?

*edited to add additional comment regarding my perception.

I think we understand men and women are wired differently. It's not a hard fast rule applicable in all situations but in general men are more physical and women tend to be more social/emotional. The way I see I view this might be more easily understood with an example.

Let's assume roles were switched. Let's say you had the affair, you apologized and both commit to R. You begin the work on R but for 18 months he is basically not talking to you. No connection, no interest in discussing these things you're kind of on your own out there. He is just going through motions basically and you're like WTF I thought he wanted R. Are you saying you wouldn't be tempted to begin to seek that communication connection / desire to be heard / essentially get "it" out elsewhere? Would you agree he is committed to R and making this work? I don't see it being much different except what he is missing in your actual scenario isn't as readily availiable and is much more taboo than seeking out communication in the flipped scenario.

Anyway, I won't mention it again just a perspective.

[This message edited by BuffaloBill at 2:00 PM, Wednesday, April 23rd]

It causes me so much stress him being here and worrying that the girls are going to pick up on something or hear something.

Gently, what makes you think your kids are less sensitive than other kids? Your kids will probably benefit if you bring the source of tension at home out into the open.

The sooner you do that, the sooner they can start to heal.

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:18 PM, Monday, September 22nd]