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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:23 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

I would make your request again to see screenshots of the messages. He did offer to ask for them and you did refuse and it's quite possible that the other guy deleted the history so I think you have to be ready to accept that answer but you will naturally be suspicious that the other guy didn't delete the messages and your husband just doesn't want you to see them

3 years is a long time but unless the WS has been taking all the right steps and doing all the right things with no setbacks, I would think at 3 years things would be better.

Are you talking with an IC? That may help you process this

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:23 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

WB - DEFINITELY TRUST YOUR GUT. Your gut doesn't lie to you. That's your gut talking to you in your dreams. This happens to me too - I have gotten a lot of info over the years from dreams - about various topics - that later proved to be true. So I definitely pay attention to my dreams. If nothing else, they tell you a lot about your own psychological state but they also have truths in them that are sometimes obvious and sometimes metaphorical (something may symbolize something else).

At this point, it seems to have gone beyond even the issue of having affair(s) but into the lack of respect he seems to commonly direct at you. He's lying to you in various ways and the idea of him saying insulting things about you to other people, to prop himself up, just is not the basis of a healthy or even real, relationship. How can you have a relationship with someone who basically does not respect you and whom you cannot trust?

As painful as I know it is, I think you should get a divorce here. Not just about the cheating, as I say, which is bad enough, but this behavior of tearing you down to others, reflects how little he actually loves and respects you. There's nothing to save here but yourself. I'd get an STI test (because you can't trust him) and go see a lawyer and start making your break. There are far better men out there and you deserve one. Don't put up with this.

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:23 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

Okay I’m going to be very direct.

I want you to listen. Very closely.

Three damn years and you are in no better place than you were at Dday.

What does that tell you?

He doesn’t care.

About your healing. About the marriage. About your feelings. About his decisions to lie and cheat.

That said, now that the rose colored glasses are off and you see him for who and what he is, I am suggesting these next steps:

Counseling for you and you alone. To hell with him if he gets counseling or not.

If you don’t work, get a job or some money for yourself (and kids if applicable).

Start separating yourself financially. Cancel all joint account w/ credit cards and get cards in your name only. Same with a bank account for yourself.

Stop expecting anything from him. You are in a very manipulative relationship and you need to stop asking him anything. You know the answer will be a lie so STOP asking him!

Read up on the 180. Stop being his wife and doing things for him. No laundry or meals or errands or anything!

He thinks you won’t stand up for yourself. He thinks he can lie & cheat because he doesn’t believe you will become stronger. He believes he controls the situation.

Time for him to learn he doesn’t!

Sorry to be harsh but at this point, you’ve given it your best for 3 years. Please give that energy to you - not him, not the marriage.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:50 AM, Monday, September 22nd]

I don’t know if we are allowed to recommend books but I want to recommend a book for you.

Everything The1stWife said. Your husband made the offer because he knows you and knows you would say "no." It is that simple. HE never intended asking the other guy for screenshot. When you came back later and called his bluff, he proceeded to gaslight you.
Your husband is not remorseful, and his behavior is manipulative. You ok with that?

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[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 11:24 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

I’m sorry that you are being forced to make the decision to D but as I said, you gave it 3 years and did your very best. Unfortunately the cheater has put their own needs selfishly ahead of monogamy and a commitment to their spouse and marriage.

I like your attitude in accepting this decision and your desire for calm and peace in your life. I know one day you will achieve it.

Although I'm sorry that you are going through a painful time, I'm not sorry that this situation is ending in divorce. After reading a lot of your posts, I truly think you deserve better than what you have been getting. I'm certain your life will get better without him, not worse.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 4:42 PM, Monday, September 22nd]

Don't be surprised if your kids are relieved to learn that you're getting divorced. They've been living in an extremely tense, high-conflict environment for a very long time; they might actually be happy to learn there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if they're sad that their parents aren't together.

I also think you need to prepare yourself for the very likely possibility that your husband is not going to make this divorce easy or calm for you, even if that's what he promises. If there's one common theme in every single one of your posts, it's that your husband gets some kind of emotional or psychological "high" from creating drama and he especially likes pushing you past your breaking point.

He's not going to be happy seeing you at peace. Once he realizes that you're emotionally detached and moving on, he's going to love bomb you into oblivion... and if that doesn't work, he's going to aggressively antagonize you.

I'm not telling you this to scare you; you just need to be realistic about the character of the person that you're dealing with, and emotionally and mentally prepare yourself for what's to come.