SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want to try therapy but am wondering if I waited too long? I’ve tried plenty of self help books and at this point I’m not really sure how to help myself anymore.

Long story short- My husband came forward in 2013 (3 years after the affair) and told me everything so I could decide for myself if I really wanted to marry him. I felt like that said a lot about him as a person… not many people choose to come forward with their infidelity. We got married in 2014, and he has continued to be honest, open, and faithful. We have 3 kids together, he really does go above and beyond to be there for me.

The hard part- I’m wondering how "normal" my current struggles are after all this time. Don’t get me wrong, I am ultimately happy with my marriage and my decision to stay… but still struggle from flashbacks, triggers, intrusive thoughts, insomnia, dissociation… I’ve even had an uncontrollable twitch when I get overwhelmed. I thought these issues would go away over time.

Repressed memories have been resurfacing here recently… stuff that hasn’t crossed my mind since I initially found out. In all honesty I feel like I could have used some therapy back when I found out.. and may not have found the best ways to cope and move forward. I didn’t realize how many details I had forgotten.

My husband is aware of all of my struggles and has been supportive in any way he can. He feels like he’s just taking responsibility for his own actions.

Therapy definitely helps – if you are open to get help.
However – It’s not like talking to a doctor that can prescribe some treatment that cures our rash simply by rubbing an ointment over it. It’s more like a personal trainer that tells us what we need to do to heal.

I find it helpful.

In the beginning it was a place I could yell, scream, kick, cry, explode, implode - etc. without disrupting my home any further than it already was. I had a place to get the ugly out.

Now - years later - I find it a place where I can hash things out that I personally struggle with as a BS survivor of a LTAP. I take notes of things that are bothering me, and if they still bothering me at the time of my apt [surprisingly many things work themselves out] I can go over them with IC.

It forces me to reflect upon things instead of letting them fester.
It helps me hash out if bringing things up to WH are really worth it and if so how could I best approach.
It is a place I can talk about the annoyance of my triggers and hashout a plan for the big ones.
It really helped me hold it together after we had to send that Cease and Desist to LTAP earlier in the year when I discovered she was using fake profiles to try and reach out to WH.

And there are days, it helps simply knowing I have that as an option.

I am of the mindset that therapy can be a huge help for anyone, whether they are dealing with infidelity and its aftershocks or not.

I agree with Bigger.

Therapy is helpful and mental/psychological therapy is very akin to physical therapy.

You go and learn techniques that apply to your specific issues. It's extremely helpful if you have a bunch of unresolved, new, or traumatic issues. Then after some time, you understand those tools and can implement them more and more on your own. But it can be helpful to have occasional check ins.

I currently am without a therapist, and have had a couple days where I wish I had a session upcoming to talk something out, but I just have to figure it on my own and with my wife. I haven't put much effort into finding a new one, TBH.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 8:18 PM, Thursday, December 16th]

I’ve had 3 therapists over 2 relationships … NEVER again, nor would I recommend it to anyone else. IMHO, a truly worthless exercise … No, that’s incorrect … 2 actually damaged the relationship more than it already was, so the experience was worse than worthless.

Yes; amazingly so!

But you must find the right therapist, and have the right fit, and be ready to work.

The combination can be daunting. If you're interested, don't give up!

I’ve had 3 therapists over 2 relationships … NEVER again, nor would I recommend it to anyone else. IMHO, a truly worthless exercise … No, that’s incorrect … 2 actually damaged the relationship more than it already was, so the experience was worse than worthless.

I'm curious whether this was couples or individual counseling.

I'm also curious what techniques were used and what specifically caused additional damage.

I totally believe you, but I think giving specifics might help people identify that they have been stuck with incompetent therapists.

What you're feeling is completely normal. If you haven't dealt with these feelings and processed where they're coming from then you can sweep them under the rug for a while but it all comes the surface eventually.

My first therapist was tremendously helpful. He helped me understand the importance of focusing on myself and creating healthy boundaries. Unfortunately when my W decided to R I switched to seeing her therapist. Both therapists recommended seeing the same person for IC and MC and my W would never agree to see a man.

My W's therapist prescribed shared blame and "moving on" rather than helping me stand up for myself or getting answers. I bought into that as a the price of R. She wasn't totally bad for my W. She did eventually start calling her on how spoiled she was and how much she took me for granted. But my W really didn't start to "get it" until she started reading here.

My advice is to make sure any therapist you're seeing recognizes infidelity as a traumatic event that does serious long term damage to the betrayed. No shared blame. No rug sweeping. You have to face every ugly facet of it and learn to live with it if you want to stay with your WS.

Infidelity, and betrayal in general, is trauma. And unprocessed trauma will never be healed simply by the passage of time alone. It could possibly make it worse, as it often prompts people to develop unhealthy coping techniques, such as compartmentalization and rug sweeping. Your spouse could turn over a new leaf and be doing everything "right", however that has no bearing on your trauma or your ability to heal from it. What you are describing... flashbacks, triggers, insomnia, disassociation... all of these things are likely related to unprocessed trauma, or more simply, PTSD. (Look up PISD for more info about how this looks from an infidelity perspective).

My advice? Stick with an IC. PTSD isn't a "couples issue". Your sense of safety was crushed. Your ability to trust was destroyed. The things you once believed in and trusted are no longer safe for you to rely on, and finding ways to identify, manage and heal from that betrayal is paramount in your ability to recover from the betrayal.

The other piece of advice I'll offer is to not focus solely on infidelity. Your life did not begin on D-day. So healing won't begin there either. How you handle trauma (any trauma) today is a result of how you've handled it in the past. Have you ever lost a loved one? Had a fight with a good friend and lost that friendship? Been lied to or lied about? Gotten sick out of the blue? Been fired from a job? Broken a bone? Gotten pulled over for speeding? Failed a test? Been molested or abused? Been dropped off at pre-school and had to watch your Mom walk away without you? This is NOT your first trauma, so be aware that how you handle it could be based on how you've handled other past events.

The idea is that we (humans) need to develop healthy coping mechanisms in order to have healthy (healthier) outcomes after stress. We need to figure out who we really are and want we want for ourselves in life, and how we intend to get there. And we need tools and techniques to help us cope when things aren't under our control. A good IC will help you OVERALL to heal, not just from infidelity, and in doing so, you have the opportunity to grow and become stronger in the process.

Last thing. Some things just are what they are. The betrayal is a moment stuck in time. It would be more worrying to think how things would be if you never struggled with it. You were hurt. So it has to be okay to just be hurt sometimes. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you are somehow being unfair to either your spouse or yourself for thinking of these things or being hurt by them. The real trick is to share that pain, to feel it and experience it together. Talking about it can help both the BS and WS A LOT, if they can do so in a healthy way, without all the defensiveness and blame-shifting, etc. You said your WS has been "honest, open and faithful" which is great, but do you talk about the affair and how it affected you? Him? Anything? If not, that might be a good MC issue, but before you can have a meaningful share session with your spouse, you have to both be in a mental/emotional state where that is possible. And IC is the way for both of you to get there (IMO anyway).

Good luck, and let us know how things go if you move forward.

Sorta and sorta not. We got lucky and our guy had like 30 years of experience. His fools gold analogy always stuck with me. If you think it’s going to be a magic pill well it’s not going to be. In the end it’s up to you to heal yourself. Your always going to have unanswered questions and doubts. You just end up learning to live with them, i think it helped my wife more than I. She had a pretty messed up family that the therapist helped her out with. But the PTSD he never had an answer for that. He did tell my wife to limit the graphic details as it would haunt me. Pissed me off at the time but now in hindsite he was probably right. I could easily not know some of it now. Shitty when your having a perfectly good day and the thought of your wife screwing someone pops in your head. I would recommend it at the beginning to help regulate the high emotions and for awhile after to get everyone used to the new normal but later on I found it wasn’t giving me any relief. Could have been I was sick of talking about it too though.

I've always found it helpful.

Here's the thing though. The forward momentum of can be very easily halted when you get lazy. Especially after infidelity.
What I have experienced years after reconciliation is that, even still, some behaviors can take you all the way back to dday. There is constant work to be done.

I think knowing what you want from therapy is a good idea. If you have a goal, you can ask the candidate IC if they can help, and a half-way competent one will give an honest answer. Also, if you have a goal, you can check your progress and make changes if your progress isn't satisfying you. Dealing with repressed memories is a great goal.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:40 PM, Friday, December 17th]

IC = very helpful
MC = waste of time

In my experience

We ultimately had four therapists going at once: our MC, My IC, WH's IC and our daughter's IC. Our MC was in contact with both of our IC's and that helped tremendously. We needed it to get ourselves to a new place individually and together.

The most important part was processing the trauma in IC and then learning how to attune to each other in MC. But MC only works if both parties are far enough along in their own recovery journey.

Important Note: We went through MANY therapists before getting to the right combo that worked. Don't give up until you get to the right therapist who will be honest with you and help you. I used a combination of EMDR and EFT and personally preferred EFT to process the trauma. It really really helped.

The forward momentum of can be very easily halted when you get lazy. Especially after infidelity.

What I have experienced years after reconciliation is that, even still, some behaviors can take you all the way back to dday. There is constant work to be done.

A thousand times, this!

I'm curious whether this was couples or individual counseling.

I'm also curious what techniques were used and what specifically caused additional damage.

I totally believe you, but I think giving specifics might help people identify that they have been stuck with incompetent therapists.

I've never been to IC, these were all with MC's ... some individual sessions and some joint. Also, remember these are two different relationships.

My first experience with a therapist broke down when he insisted on employing the "unmet needs" theory to infidelity, which to me came across as blaming me for her poor choices. He also didn't even consider the problems from her recent "finding religion", which somehow took the shape of making amends to a prior BF, who she felt she had wronged. My being "wronged" by this didn't seem to factor into his therapy.

The last ... and I do mean LAST ... simply didn't take my concerns and issues seriously. It seems she thought that since the ONS had taken place several years prior that I should simply be over it by now, even though I hadn't ... and still haven't IMHO ... gotten the full story. That therapist simply advocated rug sweeping and getting on with our lives, rather than addressing the root cause of my ongoing issues. When she expressed this opinion ... I left her and my W slack jawed when I said FUCK IT and left them both sitting there as I stormed out.

By that time I was in my mid-50's and made the conscious decision that I'd basically missed my window of opportunity and to not blow up my upcoming retirement. Keep in mind, I'm not miserable, and overall we have a pretty good relationship, but we are no where close to where we could have been.

I'm proud of my OWN actions post D-Day, which I believe has caused us to be infidelity free since, but I give ZERO credit to therapy. I truly feel it hindered our R, and made things worse, basically by giving my W the backing she needed to take the truth to the grave with her.

[This message edited by ButAnyway at 7:24 PM, Saturday, December 18th]

I had a great guy who helped me keep my sanity during my H’s affair.

The therapist once said I was the most rational about to be D person he ever met. I didn’t have the luxury to fall apart completely b/c I had children. They needed someone who was sane and rational during my H’s affair.

He was in la-la land.

I was living a nightmare and living in reality.

And yes the therapist helped me tremendously. He even helped us to Reconcile. Believe it or not.

In my case it has helped some, she has managed to get me to focus on things I need to change in myself and reinforce the idea that no matter how hard I want it or try to make it happen I can not force my WW to fix herself. I do appreciate her opening my eyes to some things that I needed to deal with from my past to make help make sure I don't make these same mistakes again in the future (my picker, and unfortunately the broken women I attract) beyond that it hasn't been a big help, it for sure has not regulated the anger and disgust I feel toward my WW so in that regard I would not hold out a lot of hope if that is one of the things you are looking for.

I've never been to IC, these were all with MC's ...

Sorry for this experience. Also another story showing MC in the wake of infidelity is often more damaging than helpful.